As all of you unquestionably know—both because you have read everything I’ve ever written and because you’ve attempted to murder yourself while reading everything I’ve written due to your realization that you have devoted so much time to digesting and comprehending my rather shallow and fairly obvious life observations that you’ve therefore been force to neglect your family, your health, your dog, and anything or anyone that has ever loved you—I tend to write really, really, really, ridiculous long blog posts that are, at their very core, about absolutely nothing of value or consequence whatsoever. Yeah, I admit it: I write super lengthy and pedantic posts. And, no matter what you may think of my writing mannerisms or style, I am not apologizing for it.
I am not apologizing for writing the way I write. It’s long. It’s protracted. It’s laborious. It’s gratuitously needless and redundant. It requires me to constantly check Thesaurus.Com so I can refrain from using the same words in every single sentence. It’s not all that compelling or well done, especially in the areas of grammar, usage, spelling, or content. I use the passive voice. I am not fully sure what the passive voice is.
I go on rants. Nonsensical ones. Silly ones. Ill-advised or naïve or trivial or unintelligible ones. Stupid ones. Ones that do nothing to move the narrative forward. Ones that attempt to make jokes about poop, or beards, or poop beards, that fall so flat on their face that they need reconstructive surgery on arrival. Ones that accuse you, the reader, of possessing feelings that you have never expressed to me and may not, you know, exist.
Rants that are, well, dumb. This is one of them. This isn’t the first. This certainly won’t be the last. And, given everything I just said, it is bound to be the shortest. So enjoy it while you can America. Cause the Constitution says that I can write 5,000 words about the two “angel wing” patches of hair I have on my back without impunity. That, along with our outrageous self-confidence, is why the United States is now, and always will be, the greatest country on Earth. Because we all believe it, a fact that, by its very definition, makes it undeniably true.
The Bachelorette Finale Predictions
If you watch The Bachelorette, then I am proud to call you a friend. If you do not watch The Bachelorette, then you are either blind or you have no joy in your life. Either way, the finale of the show is tonight. Kaitlyn, the show’s protagonist, will choose the man she wants to marry, or more likely the man she wants date for 4.5 weeks before she realizes that Nick’s head looks like a penis or Shawn B resembles Ryan Gossling if Ryan Gossling had a terrible PCP and bath salt addiction. You should watch it. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure, that this is what you will see.
10 Things That Could Happen If Kaitlyn Chooses Shawn B
1) At the Rose ceremony Kaitlyn says, “Shawn, will you take this rose,” neglecting, of course, to add the “B” moniker to Shawn’s name. Shawn in wild panic and desperation looks around frantically, wondering if Kaitlyn had just chosen former NBA Superstar Shawn Kemp, who she may or may not have allowed to join the show during its final week, as the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
2) Upon confirming his selection, Shawn B begins to cry very audibly. It turns out that when Shawn B cries, it sounds kind of like a cat that is trapped in a Taco Bell bathroom and can smell the copious amounts of Cheesy Gordita Crunches that it will never, ever get to eat. “Ewww,” Kaitlyn says in response. “That is the most unattractive thing I have ever heard.” Have a happy life suckers.
3) Shawn B wears a pair of Wranglers, a denim shirt, and a jean jacket to the final rose ceremony to celebrate Kaitlyn’s Canadian heritage, indicating that, once he is chosen, he and Kaitlyn will be wed right there on the spot.
4) When he is chosen and the winner, Shawn B drops down to a knee and opens a box containing cracker jack ring in order to propose to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn looks at the ring disapprovingly. Shawn B replies to said look by commenting that he’s “taken 3 months off from a fake job to come on this show,” and throwing the cracker jack ring into Kaitlyn’s face, striking her right eye and blinding her forever.
5) Shawn B is announced as the choice and rushes to embrace Kaitlyn. Nick shrugs his shoulders and walks off, wondering aloud whether he can conceive a way to get onto Ben H.’s upcoming seas of The Bachelor because, hey, it’s 2015 and guys can go on reality dating shows with other guys nowadays.
6) Shawn B proposes to Kailtyn. Kaitlyn says yes. They kiss. Kaitlyn then asks Shawn B “what are we going to do now?” Shawn B shrugs his shoulders. He’s literally had no place to be for the past 28 years.
7) Just as Kaitlyn is about to accept Shawn B’s proposal her phone goes off, and she decides to take a moment to check it. Someone’s has emailed her a link to Shawn B’s official Bachelorette Profile. She holds a finger up to Shawn B, pausing their conversation while she reads it. She gets to the bottom of the page and finds that Shawn B answered the question “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?” with a response of “My dog.” Kaitlyn begins to openly contemplate why she ever got rid of Tony in the first place.
8) Shawn B wins. Nick opens his phone and adds the words “Back to Back Bachelorette runner up,” as the latest employment entry on his Linked-In profile.
9) Shawn B proposes to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn says yes. They embrace. Shawn B whispers that he “Can’t wait for you to smell my poops,” in Kaitlyn’s ear. The words are caught by the camera crew and added to the screen via subtitles. The hash tag #TurdLove quickly becomes the number 1 trending topic on Twitter.
10) Kaitlyn chooses Shawn B. Shawn B begins to propose but stops himself. “I just can’t do it,” he says, putting the ring back into his pocket. “Just knowing that you have ever been with, or wanted to be with, or thought about being with, or kissed, or wanted to kiss, or thought about kissing, another guy during the course of the 29-years you’ve been on Earth just proves that you never loved me.” Shawn B then chucks the ring into the nearest body of water. Kaitlyn walks over to Nick, who shrugs and promptly begins making out with her. “I don’t have real feelings,” Nick says when he finally comes up for air. “I just wanted to win.” Him and Kaitlyn walk away hand in hand, destined to break up some 11 minutes later.
10 Things That Could Happen if Nick Wins
1) The pants that Nick wears to the finale are so tight that we can all see the outline of his reproductive organ. Kaitlyn, at the rose ceremony, can see it too. Kaitlyn picks Nick and says “I was going to choose Shawn B, but his pants were so regular fitting that, at this moment, I couldn’t tell whether or not he had a boner for me. And I know for a fact that you do…” Kaitlyn then uses Nick's pants as the basis for her baby clothing line.
2) Kaitlyn chooses Nick. Nick shrugs his shoulders. “Naw, I’m not into it,” he says. “I was only here for the free food.” He then walks over to the craft services table, grabs 8 or 9 packets of Ramen noodles, and walks off screen.
3) Nick shows up to the Rose Ceremony with a giant condom over his head. Kaitlyn, not wanting to send a message that she is against safe sex, feels obligated to pick him. Turns out that the guy is way smarter than he looks.
4) Kaitlyn says that she is giving the final rose to Nick. Shawn B, in a fit of rage, reveals the grenade that he’s been hiding in his perfectly quaffed hair, pulls the pin out of it and spikes it onto the ground, crying “I cannot live in a world where Kaitlyn is with a guy who she has known for 8 weeks as opposed to 12…” while blowing both he and Nick up to bit. Kaitlyn asks Chris Harrison for Cupcake’s phone number.
5) Kaitlyn shows up to the rose ceremony and, in a rush of real-world understanding, asks whether Shawn B or Nick has health insurance. Neither one of them raise their hands. Kaitlyn then picks Nick because, suddenly, she has no confidence in her ability to live long enough to ever be happy.
6) Kaitlyn announces Nick as the winner. Nick proposes. Kaitlyn says yes. Then (as she did with Shawn B on his hypothetical #6), she asks Nick “what are we going to do now?” Nick responds with “I don’t know. The last time I wasn’t on this show I was, well, hmmm…I’m trying to remember. I’ve been on this show for a long time.”
7) Nick proposes. Before saying yes Kaitlyn notices a box of Fruit Loops off screen and, upon seeing the image of Toucan Sam on the box, collapses to the floor sobbing out of pure, unadulterated terror. Nick turns to see what has made Kaitlyn so upset and notices the bird on the box. "I can't do this," Nick says, turning back towards what he, and no body else, once thought might be his future wife. "Fruit Loops is my favorite cereal." Nick walks away. It is the first time that he has ever stood for something respectable.
8) Kaitlyn gives Nick the final rose. Nick walks up to Kaitlyn, takes off his jacket, and rolls up the sleeves of his dress shirt, revealing needle marks all over his forearms and biceps. Turns out that Nick has a pretty serious heroin problem, and, he explains, he is about to go in withdraw if he get his fix right this second. Kaitlyn nods her head in agreement, and grabs Nick hand as he pulls a needle out of his back pocket and sticks it into his arm. It’s the first proposal from a heroin addict that has ever been televised in primetime. Turns out that ABC really is breaking down barriers with this show about the truest love that the world has ever known.
9) Kaitlyn picks Nick. At the After the Final Rose special subsequently shown following the finale Kaitlyn and Nick sit together on the couch and make a major and shocking announcement: Nick is the third, and less heralded, brother of childhood acting stars Ben and Fred Savage, a man who changed his last name from “Savage” to “V” in order to hide from one of the largest genetic shadows that Hollywood has ever known because he knew, in his heart of hearts, that he would never have the talent or devastatingly good looks needed to live up to his siblings name. This revelation does much to explain the mystery of why Kaitlyn “loves” him. Thanksgiving dinners with Kevin Arnold and Corey Matthews? Are you kidding me? That is, in my opinion, the basis that most successful romantic relationships are built on.
10) Kaitlyn chooses Nick. They get engaged. Somewhere in Iowa Chris Soules switches off his television set, and walks out into his soy bean and cocoa leaf field. Why hadn’t he found love? Why wasn’t he content? Why, oh why, had he picked Becca over Kaitlyn in the pre-Bachelor finale when he knew that Becca had almost no interest in ever seeing his penis? Chris Soules looks up into the dark, dimly lit sky and rips his flannel shirt open across the chest. He drops to his knee amidst the crops and begins ululating, howling heavily at the moon. Chris Soules is alone in the world. Chris Soules is alone in Iowa. Chris Soules will never, ever, feel the warm embrace of joy and happiness again.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette is a doubled edged sword. Nick or Shawn B will be happy. Chris Soules will be sad. That’s the problem with the truest form of true love: people win. And people lose. And when true love is shown on television we can all tell exactly what camp it is that each competitor falls in. There's no hiding. There's no secrets. There's just the images on the screen, and how we, the viewers, decide to interpret them. Tonight on the Bachelorette Kaitlyn will decide who the winner is. Tonight, on the Bachelorette, everyone who is watching gets to decide whether she made right decision or not.
*Editor’s Note: None of these things will happen tonight. But it’d be a lot cooler if they did right…