Dear Readers,
As all of you should know—both because I have a fully-grown neck beard and because I have once again become a slave to traditional gender roles after I forgot to lock the bathroom door at work only to have the janitor walked in and immediately start making fun of me for peeing while sitting down—I do not wear perfume. Hell, I don’t even wear cologne. Or deodorant. Why not? Because McConaughey doesn’t wear deodorant. So, until they invent a deodorant that is designed to smell exactly like McConaughey’s undeodorized sweat, I’m going to follow Matthew’s lead and not church up my body’s scent either.

However, unlike my refusal to indulged in perfume, or aroma enhancement of any sort, I do, in fact, watch television. And one of the things I have noticed most after spending copious hours sitting in front of a 40-inch screen while eating a copious amount of hot pockets and then wondering why I have a Body mass Index of 74.3—other than the power of Steve Harvey’s mustache and the surprisingly high amount of husbands that murder their wives (or vice versa) based on my watching of Friday night episodes of 20/20—is that the fragrance market is getting their advertising on. They are getting their advertising on big-time. And they are doing it by featuring big name actresses in commercials that make absolutely no logical sense.

​Dear Readers,
As all of you surely know—primarily because you all remember every Channel 5 news broadcast in the greater St. Louis region between the years of 1993 and 1998—I was a bit of a local celebrity during my childhood. It all started innocuously enough: a KSDK camera crew showed up at my soccer camp and asked to film a few shots of kids kicking around soccer balls and flashing the stations trademark slogan, a hand full of five fingers followed by the same hand slimmed down to one, and I, of course, obliged.