As all of you should surely know—primarily due to the fact that all of you are either 18-49 year-old women or, in an equally likely turn of events, people that think exactly 18-49 year-old women given that the aforementioned demographic is the only one from which this blog can derive any sort of a readership—today is a national holiday for fair-minded and well informed Americans all over this great country of yours. What day is today in the grand lexicon of our national celebrations you sloppy-brained and uninformed Americans out there may be asking? 5/12ths Christmas? Dead white male jubilee day? The commemoration of all the Dutch immigrants who went on to do whatever it is that people of Dutch heritage do in our modern civilization? Cell used cars or own bicycle shops maybe? Is there a stereotype to be had here?
Now I know what you all are expecting from me here—an overly indulgent and gratuitously wordy dissertation on what values The Bachelorette espouses to both the people who participate in it and the people who watch it; a superfluously rambling treatise on what The Bachelorette says about me, about us, about our country, about the people who live in it and consume popular culture—and I am not going to give it to you. I am not going to tickle that inherent fancy embedded into my DNA. I am not going to give you all exactly what you are asking for, exactly what you all desire. I am my own man. No one tells me what to do. I do what I want.
And what I want to do is discuss my own interaction with this television behemoth, my own experience with this unstoppable force that defines our country’s relationship to cultural relevance. That’s right ladies and gentleman, I am connected to your favorite TV show. That’s right ladies and gentleman; I tried out to be a contestant on the Bachelorette.
I was not chosen of course. Why? I'm not sure. I doubt anyone is. Maybe the show’s producers neglected my selection because adult acne doesn’t play on ABC, at least if you are not as hilarious or make-up clad as Tom Bergeron. Maybe the lady conducting my interview in the Four Season’s 3rd floor unisex bathroom was taken aback when I told her that I should be on the show due to the fact that, even if I got an on-camera erection after holding hands with the Bachelorette at a 29 person pool party outside of Nathan Lane’s Malibu mansion, not one single television viewer would be able to visibly tell that I was aroused. Perhaps, just perhaps, I wasn’t picked to be on The Bachelorette because, when asked if I possessed a passport on my application form, I simply wrote “of course. I will transfer anything over any border any way possible. Jackpot”
I don’t know. I don’t care. If I were picked for the show I might not have shown up. Everyone who comes to Los Angeles gets the measles…and I ain’t messing with that stuff man. Any which way you slice it, I was not allowed to be on the television. Any which way you slice it, I was not allowed to become the man I wanted to be. Any which way you slice it, my dream of appearing on The Bachelorette was dead.
Then it wasn’t because I wouldn’t let it be. I will not appear on the show in real-life. Instead I will be appearing on the show in my mind. And let me tell you something Kaitlyn/Britt, I will win…and you will be getting laser removal procedures for your tattoos. This is America. And I still believe in stuff. Stuff like the fact that tattoos were invented by the devil. Stuff like the fact that I will never indulge in any of the devil’s inventions.
That’s why I have never consumed alcohol or Internet porn. Take that Satan. You ain’t never dragging me down.
My Bachelorette Profile
In the spirit of my fictional appearance as a contestant on The Bachelorette I will also create a Bachelorette profile, exactly like the one created by all of the people who are making appearances as contestants on The Bachelorette in real-life. This will give all of you a glimpse into the kind of contestant I would be on the show. This will also give all of you a glimpse into why I would have won. Because I am a winner. And winning is what winners like me and Anthony Michael Hall do bro’s.
The Sack's Bachelorette Profile
Name: Sachary P, aka Sack P, aka Sach P, aka Big Sacky Sack P, aka I can bench 220 P, aka Between 1 & 6 Girls Have Found Me To Be Physically Attractive Before P, aka Jabroni Jabron P, aka Nelly, aka Idria Elba’s Identical Twin Idris Elbow P.
Occupation: Poor Person. Also I occasionally take pictures of famous people—a la Jay Leno or Full House star Dave Coulier’s cousin Bill Coulier—taking poops in various Starbucks with broken bathroom locks and sell them to Playgirl magazine for between 8 and 13 dollars a pop so…I can afford a Sugar Free Red Bull or two.
Hometown: The New Rome (St. Louis, MO)
Height: 7’8” or one billion centimeters.
All-Time Favorite Movies: Anything that has ever been featured on America’s Funniest Home Videos, the entire Ernest series, Juwanna Mann, Jack and Jill, That’s My Boy, Grown Ups 2, any recent work by Adam Sandler really.
Tattoos: See above. Tattoos are the devil. Unless the tattoo is of Jesus and St. Peter winning the Gold Medal in Olympic Beach Volleyball. Then God is all about them.
Biggest Date Fear: Going on a date with a robot or cyborg, which brings me to the plot of a Screen Play I am currently working on entitled “Robot Date” where I, played by Dwayne The Rock Johnson after 29 months of him taking pure anabolic steroids, end up going on a date with a robot who looks remarkably like Lyla Garrity from Friday Night Lights who turns out to be a Communist robot hell bent on blowing up Mount Rushmore, a caper I have to stop with the help of Little Bow Wow during a climatic battle scene set inside Abraham Lincoln’s right nostril.
What Does Being Married Mean To You: I will never get married because Jesus is not married. Also I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure, that Ric Flair has never been married. But if Ric Flair has been married then I will get married…to Ric Flair. Is he the lady picking dudes on this show?
Describe Your Idea of the Ultimate Date: I drink between 7 and 484 Busch Lights while any woman on Earth sits with me on the hood of my 2006 Volvo, watching a meteor shower that is being privately narrated by Morgan Freeman.
If You Could Be Any Superhero, Which One Would You Be: Daredevil from the Ben Affleck hit film Daredevil. Why? Because Daredevil is blind. And as Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder have taught us, a lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I have always wanted to play the piano. The only problem? I can see. So, if I became Daredevil I would be blind and, therefore, gain the super power of playing the piano, otherwise known as the greatest super power of them all…NAILED IT!!?
What is Your Greatest Achievement to Date: Hmm, I’m only 27, an age which technically means that I am not yet a considerable an adult by the US legal system yet and that all of my priors are still sealed by the court so...this list may be shorter than you think. However I did see the guy from Royal Pains walking in the street one time. He’s way shorter than me…NBD. Also I recently added the words “have almost complete one consecutive burpee while hammered drunk at a bar with more than 7 disco balls in it” under the title of “Hopeless Alcoholic,” aka the most current job on my resume, so…there’s that.
If You Could Be Someone Else For Just One Day, Who Would It Be: Sylvester Stallone, one the day when he wrote the Script for Rocky IV and realized he was the only person on Earth with the punching power to physically knock out the Cold War.
Do You Prefer a Woman Who Wants To Be Pursued Or a Women Who Pursues You: Are we talking about a police chase of some sort? Because in that case it wouldn’t really matter. Women police officers tend to possess more foot speed than a 289 lbs. criminals who cannot walk up more than 4.5 stairs without the use of an inhaler. Women criminals also tend to possess more foot speed than 289 lbs. police officers that never pass up a Johnny-on-the-Spot without taking an opportunity to relieve themselves and utterly ruin a city block. Either way, it the results are the same. Pursuit in general is worthless.
Who Do You Admire Most in the World: Taylor Swift. Or Ray Romano. Or, hypothetically, a love child conceived by Taylor Swiftt from Ray Romano named Raylor Swimano. A hilarious singer whose parents live right across the street from his Long Island home when he lost his virginity to Jake Gyllenhaal? Now my creative juices are really flowing.
Do You Consider Yourself to Be a Romantic: One time my mom took me to Taco Bell for dinner on Valentine’s Day and I ate 41 Cheese Gordita Crunches so…crack that code ya turkeys.
Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years: Co-owning a Tiki Bar on one of Saturn’s Moon’s with my partner who will be, coincidentally, Tiki Barber. Turns out they are really big on both puns and former New York Giant’s running backs who get fired from the Today Show on whichever one of Saturn’s Moons I will settle on so…we’re going to make a boat load of cash. Then I will buy the Cleveland Cavaliers and make Nick Cannon the coach/GM. Because if there is one thing Cleveland sports fans finally deserve…it is competent management from the star of the remake of Love Don’t Cost a Thing.
What Makes You Happiest, and what makes you mad: Giving homeless people money I stole from my mom’s purse makes me happiest, because it proves what a caring person I am. Getting stabbed makes me mad. Because it hurts. It also, if the blade is rusty, causes you to get a precautionary tetanus shot. And if there is one thing that gets my blood boiling more than pain, it is pain that also causes momentarily and inconsequential inconvenience involving needles. That is why you shouldn’t do heroin kids. Needles are the worst.
Reason You Should Be The Winner of The Bachelorette: Because I love so gosh dang hard. I'm the hardest lover in the world. If you wanna be loved hard, then I am the only person who can do that for you.