The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades
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It's Time To Stop Discriminating Against The Big And Tall

6/15/2018

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Dear Readers,
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As all of you know—likely because you have run into me, literally, while walking past me on a sidewalk and then stared up at me from your phone dazed, as if your body colliding with mine was something that just couldn’t have been avoided—I am a very large fella. In fact, if I am being honest with myself, then I am also forced to acknowledge that my size is probably my defining characteristic. And I am usually alright with that. After all, there are perks that come with uncommon size. I can always see at concerts. People instinctively give me the front seat in ubers. On occasion kids ask me if I play in the NFL or NBA, and sometimes I lie and say yes, just so they can feel cool telling their friends they saw a pro athlete buying an ungodly amount of $5 footlongs at their local Subway and not because saying no makes feel undeniably sad.

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When The World Ends, I'm Fine Going Down Without A Fight

6/1/2018

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Dear Readers,
​
As all of you are about to know—assuming you possess the ability to read what I’m about to write—the world is on the brink of implosion. According to a group of scientists who I’ll instinctively trust because I assume they never scored a 17% on a 11th grade physics test like some other people who will forever remain nameless, the doomsday scenario we’ve all been dreading since watching Bill Pullman’s wife die in the original Independence Day has never been closer. What I’m trying to say is that our planet is on the edge man. The end looks to be near. And while some of us may have different strategies for surviving our race’s collective demise—rich people with their nuclear blast reinforced condos built on the interior of Teddy Roosevelt’s nostril, poorer people with their stockpile of Arby’s Roast Beef & Swiss sandies—we all know what the most important aspect to surviving the imminent apocalypse will be: a strong desire to not die.

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