As all of us should know—both because all 7 of you are the exact same age as me, meaning that you share a birthday with luminaries such as Harry Potter and Wesley Snipes, and because you all have the exact same amount of money as I do, meaning that your credit card was once declined at a TGI Fridays while you were trying to buy a woman a Pink Punk Cosmo and you, rightfully, gave up ever attempting to speak to another human being in public ever again—the rapper 50 Cent is one baller ace M’F’er.
That’s why you can find him in the club with a bottle full of bub. That’s why he made a trillion dollars off of Vitamin Water even though no one, to my knowledge, has made the decision to physically purchase a bottle of Vitamin Water ever. That’s why 50 Cent’s body is legitimately 100% muscle even though he eats nothing but donuts and freshly churned cow butter. 50 Cent’s digestive system turns jelly donuts and butter into Muscle Milk. 50 Cent is, functionally speaking, the perfect human being.
Maybe. Maybe not. 50 Cent maintains that his bankruptcy claim is nothing more than a financial reorganization of his assets, a responsible fiscal decision that any smart businessman, as opposed to someone who is a BUSINESS man, would make. After all Walt Disney filed for bankruptcy. Donald Trump did too. Who cares if one of those people was an anti-Semite who froze himself in an attempt to be alive long enough to be able and watch Inside Out and be one of 2 grown men crying in the theater (spoiler alert: Bing Bong’s sacrifice really did make me weep), and the other is a racist who hates Hispanics, evidently has no idea how “rape” works, and asserts his own ridiculous personal wealth while irrationally also, at the same time, not possessing enough money to buy the Buffalo Bills?
The point is that they, that Walt Disney and Donald Trump, are, or were, titans of industry. The point is that standing up in a court and shouting the words “I…DECLARE…BANKRUPTCY!!!” couldn’t stop them. And it won't stop 50 Cent. 50 Cent is a titan of industry as well. Rap. Movies. Sports drinks. Being yoked. Not dying as long as he was only shot a single-digit amount of times. 50 Cent stands for something. 50 Cent stands for everything. 50 Cent gets paid. 50 Cent is fucking rich.
Until, that is, he publicly declares that he isn’t. 50 Cent can spin this declaration of insufficient personal wealth any way that he wants to—a technicality, a prudent way to ease his financial burden, a joke he is playing on Ja Rule so that Ja can actually believe for a second that he won any part of that beef before 50 comes out, riding in a blimp he just bought above New York City will irresponsibly dropping JFK half dollars all over Tribeca and declaring through a megaphone just how gullible Ja Rule is for all the world to hear—but at the end of the day it comes down to this…
We now live in a world where 50 Cent is destitute. We now live in a world where 50 Cent is, literally, not even worth his namesake. We now live in a world where 50 Cent is forced to proclaim his meager means to the rest of society as we all stare in shock and openly weep as we realize that even the mightiest amongst us may one day fall.
We now live in a world where dreams do not come true. It was my dream for 50 Cent to be rich yesterday, today, forever. 50 Cent is now poor. My dream is now dead. And I will have to live vicariously through some other baller ass celebrity.
On that note, hopefully Pat Sajak is still raking it in. If not, I will have absolutely no idea what to do with myself.
Next Celebrity to Declare Bankruptcy?
As shocking as 50 Cent’s bankruptcy was to me on a personal, professional and emotional level, and as much as it shook me to the core, I can confidently say that it is not the most appalling celebrity economic insolvency I could possibly imagine in the recesses of my own mind. They are few, and they are far between, but there are, in fact, bigger ballers out there than 50 Cent, ballers who, if any of them were to declare bankruptcy, would crash the world financial system and cause Greece to simply crater into the center of the Earth and disappear forever. Sorry Sparta.
Let’s take a look at these monetary rainmakers and pray, for all of our sakes, that they stay liquid enough to buy McLarens and keep the 66% of the work force that is currently working at McLaren dealerships employed shall we.
1) Floyd “Money” Maker-50 Cent’s ex-bffffffff is rolling in the dough.
Evidence of Wealth-He carries around a bag containing hundreds of thousands of dollars in it everywhere he goes, potentially as insurance toilet paper. He holds stacks of money up to his ear and talks into them because he is rich enough to believe that Benjamin Franklin’s face is actually the screensaver on his iPhone. He literally broke the American cable system by standing in a corner and chatting with Burger King while outpointing Manny Pacquiao. His middle name is Money. Nuff said.
Reasons He Might Go Broke-He actually pays someone a salary equal to or greater that of every public school teacher in Wisconsin to come into his Las Vegas mansion and light thousands of aroma therapy candles so that his abode will smell like Oatmeal Raisin cookies no matter how many times Floyd or his team of 27 bodyguards fart (most of these statements are 100% accurate mind you).
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-Las Vegas is burned to the ground. Stephen A. Smith rips out his vocal cords because he has nothing he deems worthwhile to say. Everyone stands and claps because Floyd Mayweather is a generally terrible person. The guy Money Mayweather pays to chew up his carrots and then spit them into Floyd’s mother like he is a baby bird goes back to teaching Medieval Literature at UNLV. Overall, I’d call that a wash. Vegas and the Medieval Literature professor at UNLV get screwed. But Stephen A. Smith can’t talk so…jackpot
2) Nelly-Guy who’s much better at rapping than 50 Cent is rolling in the dough.
Evidence of Wealth-He made a song about the absurd amount of diamonds he puts in his teeth…and knowing Nelly I guarantee said diamonds are conflict free. Also there is a place school of higher learning called Ex'treme Institute by Nelly. And anyone who has a college named after them is, by rule, loaded out the b-hole. Just ask Bill Harvard.
Reasons He Might Go Broke-Well Nelly has been facing some legal troubles lately, and while I absolutely expect whatever judge that eventually hears his case to dismiss the charges under the irrefutable American legal doctrine “If the rapper Nelly is in violation of the law, the problem is with the law, not the rapper Nelly,” nothing is ever 100% certain in our justice system. I mean, after all, Martha Stewart went to prison for a crime she only definitely committed.
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-St. Louis, in a sign of solidarity towards its favorite son, refuses to participate in the international economy. Without the only city in the world where any business whatsoever gets done, currency becomes worthless in modern society, and the entire Earth devolves into a Demolition Man type scenario where only Wesley Snipes is capable of doing cool stuff. So yeah…Nelly better keep his money. In essence, the fate of the world depends on it.
3) Mitt Romney-Guy who has won the exact same amount of presidential elections as 50 Cent is rolling in the dough.
Evidence of Wealth-Trademarked the slogan “taxes are for poor people” during the 2012 presidential election. Uses hair gel that may or may not cost more than the GDP of Taiwan. Has never, to anyone’s knowledge, had a job.
Reasons He Might Go Broke-Well he named his son Tag and called 47% of Americans lazy while attempting to become president (thanks Mitt, even if the shoe fits in this case…) so…something tells me he is not above making terrible decisions. Therefore Mitt’s potential decision to invest the vast majority of his net worth into Boost Mobil stock shouldn't really surprise anybody…
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-Mitt Romney drops 700 tax brackets and is ironically forced to pay a far high total of his net worth in income taxes, ergo helping the United States reduce its debt and reliance on China. Mitt Romney going broke and then sticking it to China…by far his greatest contribution to society.
4) Mark Cuban-Guy who owns 1 more NBA franchise than 50 Cent does is rolling in the dough
Evidence of Wealth-Was willing to pay DeAndre Jordan approximately 4,320,786,111 times as much money to dunk basketballs and throw his free throws as hard as he can off of the backboard as Bill Russell made to win 11 championships and never stop Wilt Chamberlain from scoring one-time. Wears a t-shirt on his private jet because Hanes was having a sell and, despite the private jet, Mark Cuban ain’t made of money.
Reasons He Might Go Broke-He invests in the “double-sided peanut butter jar” (which may already be a thing...) I pitch on Shark Tank, a great idea that fails primarily because I have no idea how to put a lid on both sides of a peanut butter jar and I will almost assuredly spend the $2,000,000,000 that Mark Cuban gives me on a copious amount of Mike and Ike’s candy and a Speedo with a picture of bald eagle on the backside so I can fell like an Olympic swimmer every time I do a cannonball at the Lafayette Square neighborhood pool.
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-Dirk Nowitzki doesn’t get paid. The German economy goes up in flames. German Chancellor Angela Merkel murders Mark Cuban and goes to prison forever. America takes over what is left of Germany, renames it America East, and wins every World Cup from now to eternity. Americans then officially care about soccer just slightly less than they care about the Pro Bowl (unnecessary and at this point untrue soccer dig...I know).
5) Oprah-Gal who presumably has sex with 1 more dude named Stedman than 50 Cent does is rolling in the dough.
Evidence of Wealth-I just Googled “Oprah’s net worth” and got an error message on my computer that said “I just bought your Internet provider and decided that you watch too many episodes of Ballers on HBO GO to know anything about me. So fuck off nerd. From Oprah.” OK, that didn’t happen. Google told me Oprah is worth $3 billion, which is almost enough money to buy the Cleveland Cavaliers. So…jackpot.
Reasons She Might Go Broke-She creates a reality show on the Oprah Network, aka O, entitled “Making OJ With OJ” where OJ Simpson shows the viewers various ways to make freshly squeezed orange juice in the toilet of his prison cell. The show turns out to be disgusting, offensive, and totally entertaining. Oprah resigns from the Network in disgrace and then invests all of her money in OJ Simpson’s new toilet OJ business because she just really believes in the product. Shockingly she sees a -2,000% return on investment. Things go downhill from there.
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-The Great Wall of China explodes. Turns out Oprah owned it. Who knew?
6) Colonel Sanders-Guy who knows of 11 more herbs and spices than 50 Cent does is rolling in dough.
Evidence of Wealth-Baller white suit. Baller cane. Baller weird bow-tiey thing. Owns more chicken restaurant than any other person in the world. May or may not be a fictional character. Is played by former SNL cast member turned to unemployed actor Darryl Hammond in television commercials.
Reasons He Might Go Broke-It turns out that KFC really does fry rat carcasses and consumers irrationally determine that the animal that they are eating is more important than the delicious taste of their food. Also, according to South Park, Colonel Sanders is evidently some sort of drug people who kills a gratuitous amount of Kentuckyans for no apparent reason so…I guess that could turn on him. Probably not though…
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-Every single KFC on the planet shuts down. Somewhere around 2/3rds of the world’s population starves to death. Genetically mutated chickens are not killed because there is nowhere for them to be eaten and stage a mutiny, pecking to death the 1/3rd of the world’s previous population that was left on the globe. There are now no people and millions of chickens left on Earth. Expectations for public school teachers are suddenly far more reasonable.
7) Andrew Jackson-Guy who was probably a more mediocre National Executive than 50 Cent would have been is rolling in dough.
Evidence of Wealth-His face is literally on the $20 bill, aka the largest denomination of money I have ever stolen out of my mom’s purse, and therefore have ever possessed, in my entire life.
Reasons He Might Go Broke-He’s dead.
Global Fallout of Potential Bankruptcy-A true, but still dead, American hero is placed on our money instead of a guy who couldn’t even beat John Adam’s son in a presidential election. Bout goddamn time.