As all of you should be sure of without a shadow of a doubt—both because you all possess taste buds capable of emitting happiness into your brain and because you know that veganism is the religion that ruined Tom Cruise and that chick who broke James Vander Beek’s heart in Dawson’s Creek forever—red meat may be the single greatest thing to have ever existed on the face of this Earth. Well first it goes America. Then it goes air-conditioning. Then it goes the St. Louis Rams. Then there’s the stuff that McDouble’s are made out of. Which isn’t bad company. A place on that list is as high as praise gets. A place on that list is, as they say, rarified air.
Now “science” is saying that red meat causes cancer. And, like a cigarette smoker in the 1990’s (or whenever it was that science proved how bad that stuff was for you), I just want to take science and ring it by the neck. God. All Burger King is trying to do is give us a smooth, fun way to relax after a long day and suddenly they're just some terrible monster? No way science. Not this time. I won’t you turn something I love into some sort of horrendous behemoth with your facts and data.
Because Red Meat doesn’t deserve it. These are the reasons why.
Reasons to Still Eat Beef
1) Have you tried the alternatives?-Have any of you ever put a boca burger into your mouth? Of course not. Based on your ability to read these words I can rightfully assume that you haven’t murdered yourself quite yet. Turkey burgers can be tasty, if your threshold for tastiness is equivalent to going to a Red Robin where the cook openly sharts all over the surface of the grill. Bison burgers? C’mon man. You ever played Oregon Trail? And now you want to ruin the buffalo population in actuality like you did in that video game?
There is beef. There is nothing else. Neither vegetables or turkey or buffalo meat can ever beat cow Rob Lowe. Sorry bro. But those are just the facts.
2) It’s what’s for dinner-You’ve seen the commercial. And because you, like I, are someone who let’s advertisers tell you exactly what to do in every scenario of your life (I literally cannot take a break from work without eating 17 Kit Kat bars…), you know for a fact that every night when you sit down at the table for supper you are going to have a hearty stack of red meat staring right back at ya.
So what happens if you eliminate beef from you’re diet? What’s for dinner then? I don’t know. And I’ll be damned if Marco Rubio and the goddamn liberal media are going to force me to find out...
3) We know where it is-Speaking of commercials, modern advertising has raised a great point to all of you beef bashers out there: if we turn our backs on red meat, what else are we also turning our backs on? Old people in search of something, anything, that can give them contentment as they near the end of a potentially unfulfilled life?
Yep. If we stop eating beef, then we are basically telling that old lady in the famous Wendy’s commercial who loved it so much and had been searching for it her entire life that she is, in essence, a piece of human fecal matter and that her entire existence on this planet has been a waste. And I don’t know about you vegetarians, but I respect my elders. Why? Because sometimes they know a thing or two. After all that lady was slamming hamburgers when she was like 110-years-old…and she never got cancer once.
4) It gets your bod super jacked-Have you ever heard of creatine? No? Well Hugh Jackman has. The Incredible Hulk has. Bane almost took over Gotham city as was able to blow up 2/3rds of Heinz Field because he had. Every great man in the history of this planet has taken creatine. That’s why, as Gerard Butler proved in 300, all those ancient Greek dudes were epically shredded and refused to put a shirt on. Because they were on creatine yo’. As Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson once told me…being on creatine is the only way to smell what's cooking.
The importance of creatine having just been stated, acknowledged, and agreed upon by scholars everywhere, do any of you happen to know what food provides the greatest amount of natural creatine into your diet? Yep you guessed it...red meat. So if you eat beef you will be super buff, like Mario Lopez. If you don’t eat beef you will be super not-buff, like Screetch. Those are the only two options. There is absolutely no middle ground.
5) There is a “Beef Magazine”-Or at least a website for one that I came across on Google this morning. Is there a “ground up carrot” magazine out there somewhere on the Interwebs? No. Because this is America. And magazines only exist for things that we really care about. People. Time. News. Sports. Ebony. Spinning. Rolling Stones. Beef. You get the idea. And if you are not eating beef then you are rooting for the downfall of journalism as an art form. Wow. Way to cause people to lose their jobs you anti-meat bastards. The blood for the downfall of Grantland is officially on your celery stained hands.
6) It makes us smarter-It’s a little know fact that back when humans were still borderline apes with hair all over their upper arm and a fledging ability to stand upright—and an inability to do things like speak audibly, create fire, or wipe their b-hole with anything other than their hand—we were a lot dumber than we are now. I mean think of all the miraculous things we have invented since then. Tables. Chairs. Fake Christmas trees. Electricity. Sirius XM radio. Beef magazine. Birkenstocks. It’s literally amazing.
What else is literally amazing is that the intellectual capacity that fueled all of this innovation also came to our minds right around the time when we began eating cows instead of dirt and potentially poisonous wild mushrooms for our daily meals, as proven by this link. Why? The satiation that meat provided us allowed our energy to go to our brains instead of our empty and unfulfilled guts. So go ahead and give up cow if you want both your mind, and your belly, to be empty and unfulfilled forever. Because that’s what history, a much easier, and therefore better, high school subject than science tells us will happen.
7) It causes our poop to be less poopy-One thing that science has actually gotten right is the idea that our digestive tracts have now, through this crazy thing I described above called evolution, adjusted to our meat-centric diets and are able to process burgers, bacon, steaks, chops, and pure, sweet ground chuck much better than they’re able to process foods such as broccoli, brussels sprouts, or whatever pickles are before they start tasting good.
Remember that the next time you step into the bathroom at my new place of employment after I’ve eaten some Thai food. Cause, yeah, that beef pad thai doesn’t smell great, but that scent would be far more fetid if the beef which was piled high upon my noodles had instead been onions (aka the most terrible food on Earth). Reflect on that the next time you think that my body produces the most putrid aroma on the face of the Earth. The fact remains that if I ate less meat, and more veggies (which would be 1 veggie/year since last year I ate none), that odor would be worse. It would be way way worse.
8) It’s fine if you don’t cook it like a jabroni-The more you cook beef, the higher your cancer risk. Which means that any rational person should be realitively safe. Because anyone who goes to Applebees and gets their burger well-done deserves whatever happens to them. Sorry folks. I just call it like I see it.
9) It Prevents Suicide-Look red meat may cause obesity, and diabetes, and heart disease, and, uh, cancer, but at the end of the day it is still the best thing that I have ever put into my mouth (which is saying something homeboy…). If that isn’t enough to cancel out the health risks, then I don’t know what is. If a great tasting steak isn’t worth dying for, then nothing ever will be. So forget all of the bad things that can happen by eating red meat and focus on the good. At a certain point in time deliciousness is more important than health.
That point is here. That time is now. This is our battle cry: We want to eat beef. Because beef makes us happy enough to stay alive. That is the most important thing. That is also the only thing we need to say. Because nothing else can possibly kill us if we give up meat, and are forced to kill ourselves in the process. Because, logically, cancer can never come for us if we are already dead.