As all of you should unimpeachably be sure of—due to the fact that there are still aspects of our daily lives that irrationally make us leave the comfort of our own domiciles—we have reached the time of year where it is hot outside. In fact it’s so dang hot that milk (and by extension soft cheeses) is, until further notice, a bad choice (click red words or look above for further clarification).
It’s so dang hot that my ability to be alive has, for all extensive purposes, ceased to matter to me. That’s the effect that heat has on me: it makes me give up. It makes me lose my will to fight, to breathe, to live. It even makes me turn my back on the one thing that I thought would always define me: my insatiable desire to be proud to be an American...where at least I know I'm free.
With that being said let’s now all take the time to close our eyes and imagine a recent painting I constructed using the paint application on my MacBook Pro, wherein George Washington is dragging a canoe through the Sahara Desert in an attempt to fight the British in a hypothetical Revolutionary War boat battle that for some unknown reason took place both in Northern Africa and on dry land, and I am laying facedown on the ground behind him trying to swallow enough sand to cause my stomach to explode and die before I ever had a chance to bring America Independence. It turns out that even in a fictional world I created I care a whole lot less about American Independence and ruthless British tea taxes once I begin to profusely sweat. That, along with my 87% body fat, is why I would’ve been a goner in Iraq.
There’s one thing George Washington could’ve brought to the table that would’ve made me want to participate in a desert boat battle against the Lobsterbacks on dry land: air conditioning. Because air conditioning itself is a life force. Because air conditioning itself gives each and every one of us a reason to exist. Because air conditioning provides itself us with the strength we need to fight as hard for our country in the summer as we do the rest of the year. Because air conditioning itself is, unquestionably, the best invention in the history of the world.
Air Conditioning is the Best
I will now list the world’s best inventions, take a moment to tell you why they are great, and take another moment after that to tell you why air conditioning is better. Got it? Good. I know that, without these directions, this game would be more than a little confuddling…
Why it Is great: It projects images of Wendy Williams onto your screen. It allows you to move way less than you might otherwise move. It pairs greatly on a nightly basis with a KFC bowl if your version of the American dream (like mine) is getting Type 2 diabetes.
Why Air Conditioning is better: The only way to enjoy watching television is while sitting on a leather couch. Have you ever sat on a leather couch watching television without the air conditioning on? Your hammies stick to it like glue, making it a form of torture. Also the Big Bang is on television sometimes so…way to ruin a good thing for everybody guys.
The Motor Carriage
Why it is great: Cars move faster than horse drawn carriages. Cars also will one day drive themselves, assuming that the Will Smith classic I, Robot truly is a completely realistic portrayal of our future (spoiler alert…it is). That means that playing checkers with your carpool mate on your morning commute will at some point in the future be a completely safe undertaking. Holy moly…cars are almost like trains now. Welcome to the future jackass.
Why Air Conditioning is better: A car without air conditioning is known, even in North Korea, as a human rights violation. Ergo the motor carriage, like the television, can only create enjoyment if it comes along with cool waves of air blasting from its tiny and poorly placed vents. Ergo air-conditioning is the superior invention. Sorry Henry Ford you anti-semitic bastard.
The Humble Dumpster
Why it is Great: Before the dumpster I can only assume the Americans were forced to stack trash in one corner of their house or apartment, presumably the same corner were the least favorite of their 19 children slept (Welcome to 19th century New York). This means that the dumpster, while making it harder for you to demonstrate your lack of affection for the child that is undeniably the worst of your offspring, has also made your home less full of loose banana peels and used Q-Tips, which, at the end of the day, is definitively a net positive.
Why Air Conditioning is better: Has there ever been a feral cat lurking in your air conditioning unit, waiting for you to open the lid so it can leap at you and gauge your eyes out for the simple fact that cats (and by extensions dogs that are under 50 lbs.…which are, in fact, also cats) are demons created by Satan to make the world a less trusting place? Probably not. Nuff said.
The Tamagotchi Digital Pet
Why it is great: Remember when kids used to be sent home from school with an egg that they’d have to take care, and somehow not be tempted enough to eat, for an entire week in order to teach them responsibility? Yeah. I was taught responsibility by taking care of a digital blob that I killed by not paying attention to the fact that it had to eat approximately 18 times/day. That, along with my debilitating alcoholism and inability to determine how to use commas in blog posts, is why I will one day be a mediocre father. Way to be the 3rd reason a kid's life is ruined Japanese technology that taught me how to take average (at best) care of another “living” organism.
Why Air Conditioning is better: Air Conditioning makes people more comfortable in the summertime. Tamagotchi Digital Pets, when you really think about it, make children murderers. Hmmm….
The Auto-Tune Machine
Why it is great: Have you ever tried to get freaky, either with yourself or another person, while listening to music before T-Pain came along? Because I haven’t. Therefore, since I have not experienced it, the entire endeavor of getting freaky while listening to pre-T-Pain music has never been tried by anybody at all. Therefore T-Pain is the first musical artist who has truly changed the world.
Why Air Conditioning is better: Jay-Z has never made a diss track about AC. But, if he did it would probably include the line “air-conditioning, it needs a repositioning, if not a decommissioning…because it’s whack.” To which I’d said, “nice rhyme Jay-Z. Nice rhyme.”
The Printing Press
Why it is great: Think about all the things that we’d probably never be able to read without it: the Bible, Webster’s Dictionary, the collective works of Shakespeare, the book “88 Success Facts: Everything You Need to Know About Pee-Wee Herman.” I mean picture a world where we only knew, like, 83 facts about Pee-Wee Herman? How could anyone achieve true success without learning, and then emulating, the other 5 facts that were printed in that book?
Why Air Conditioning is better: The internet has given us reading material galore, making the printing press all but obsolete in modern society. The internet cannot, however, keep you condo cool on a sweltering Tucson afternoon to my knowledge. Haha. Stupid internet.
The 5-Hour Energy Shot
Why it is great: Imagine it is 2 o’clock in the afternoon and you are so tired that you’re only choices are to drop your pants and take a nap on your bosses desk in your undies or to die. Now imagine there is a third choice: slamming a shot's worth of liquid, running around in circles until exactly 7 o’clock that evening, and then instantly passing out in a pool of your own vomit while dreaming that you are being chased through the jungle by a koala bear that’s been trained by ISIS to hunt down Americans for sport. I’d choose option 3 over numbers 1 or 2. Wouldn’t you?
Why Air Conditioning is better: I’ve never slammed 3 “air conditioners” worth of liquid and wound up at a Las Vegas area Urgent Care at 7:13 on a Monday morning w trying to convince a nurse that my heart is beating fast because I took a bunch of energy shots and not because I smoked a copious amount of PCP. Have you?
Why it is great: I wish I could paint a picture of George Washington, Frederick Douglas, Ricky Martin, Madeline Albright and Jet-Li playing poker together to illustrate my point, but since I now cannot find the pain application on my MacBook Pro, you will have to just close your eyes, envision that scene, and wonder why anyone has ever asked this question in the history of recorded human history.
Why Air Conditioning is better…Trick question. Air Conditioning isn’t better than America. Come on now. The two rely on each other to excel, which is why Americans use more air-conditioning than the rest of the world combined and don’t think twice about it what said AC consumption does to the environment. Turns out that air conditioning makes Americans physically cooler, both in temperature and temperament, than any person who has even been from Iceland ever.
Our nation's original enemy was the Red Coats. Now it is the heat, the one enemy George Washington was unable to defeat. The only way that we can win is to stand up right here, right now, and declare exactly what it is we stand for, just as are non-biological forefathers did. The only way we can win is to turn up the air-conditioning and let the heat rage, out of sight and out of mind.