As all of you unquestionably know—and by all of you I mean all of you, considering that this very blog is one of three Internet websites accessible in North Korea, along with a YouTube knock off that shows various videos of Kim Jong Un shooting holes in one on every different hole at Augusta National and a porn site that proves that Kim Jong Un does, in fact, debunk stereotypes by having the biggest penis in the world—I, your almost fearless, outside of the terror that I hold for that squirrel trapped in a heating vent that is inevitably planning to one day break out and chew my face off like it is a Breakfast Crunch Wrap Supreme, leader love St. Louis. I, the Sack, consider St. Louis to undeniably be the greatest city on Earth.
I can wax on poetically about the city, and my unrelenting affection for it, and what a new NFL stadium can, and should, represent in terms of its progress. You know it. I know it. I’ve done it already. And it was more beautiful than a sunset, or newly born baby horse standing for the first time, or Chad Michael Murray’s face. But there was something missing from that gracefully penned piece of writing co-authored by myself and Thesaurus.Com, a question that went unanswered as I laborious and pedantically used as many synonyms for the word “worthy” as possible in one Internet blog post.
That question is this—taking away the stadium question, and the malevolent owner, and the disastrous product that the team has put on the field since I was roughly 14-years-old or so—why, really, would the team want to leave St. Louis? Why would they want to pack their bags and depart from the economic and cultural capital of the world? Why would the Rams, or any sports team, business, working adult, or homeless person want to abandon the city that the New York Times has recently referred to as “The New Rome”*?
*This happen recently in a dream I had where I wrote for the New York Times and the New York Times was actually called the “St. Louis Newspaper That is the Only Newspaper That People Read In the World” and my name was actually “Ernest Hemingway If Ernest Hemingway had a slightly better grasp of the English language and Lifted A Fuck Ton of Weights” and people called me “Ernie” for short. Hard to fact check that footnote isn’t it Internet trolls?
Why are the Rams trying to escape the mecca of modern civilization? To go to Los Angeles? Seriously? Are you kidding me? To a city that hasn’t even hosted the Summer Olympics since 1984? To a city that, to my knowledge, has more than 3 and yet less than 100,000 Walgreens locations? To a city whose residents must ridicule Conan O’Brien so severely for his uncanny resemblance to a love child conceived between the mascots for Lucky Charms and Toys R Us that he is afraid to go outside and see the sun?
Look I have nothing against LA. I have been there once. I went to the art museum they for some reason named after the Canadian big foot. I took in a Dodger’s game without a group of ruffians stomping in my skull and putting me in a never-ending coma where I am awake and aware enough to follow Days of Our Lives for approximately 27 years as it plays on the hospital television screen in front of me. I walked down the streets of Rodeo Drive and saw the dude who stars in Royal Pains eating an ice cream cone while walking down the street without any coming up to him and saying “hey, aren’t you the guy who stars in Royal Pains.” I suppose that could happen in Omaha too. But the dude who stars in Royal Pains might also be a big deal there. He starred in Good Morning Miami as well for God’s Sakes. And still, in LA, no one on the street wanted anything to do with him.
LA is a cool place, a place where dudes like the dude who starred in Royal Pains are probably not as important as they should be. However, LA is no St. Louis. It can’t be. It isn’t now. It never will be in the future. This much I know. This much is certain. This much is without doubt.
STL>LA. I know it. You know it. And I guarantee that, someone deep down in the black abyss that not even biologically can confuse for a heart, Stan Kroenke knows it too.
But, just in case that SOB forget, let me now take the time to explain to him why.
Reasons Why STL>LA Cannot Be Argued
Now, before I go on with my traditional “list the things that prove the thing that I just wrote about is true” kind of thing that I usually, if not always, do in these posts, let me offer a disclaimer to the approximately 6,000,000 LA locals that are reading this post at this particular moment: this is not the work of an cheap hack who is taking ignorant shots at your city because in 2015 anyone can put anything they want on the Interwebs nowadays.
What I prefer to say about this piece is that it is the work of an inexpensive lackey who shouldn’t even be called inexpensive because no one pays him a single cent to write this stuff and is taking uniformed shots at your city because it is 2015 and anyone can put anything they want on the Interwebs nowadays. With that being said LA peeps, you can all now sit back, relax and read as I logically and unequivocally eviscerate your city for not being as good as the city that Nelly is from. Boom. Roasted.
In St. Louis Children Are Vaccinated-For those of you who do not know there are these shots that you can give children that will prevent them from getting certain diseases like, say, Polio or Mumps, for as long as they live. There is a reason that Franklin D. Roosevelt was, and forever will be, the last president who ever suffered from Polio. Because people now get Polio vaccinations, meaning that they can never get Polio and end up fighting a war against Japan while sitting in a wheelchair due to a disease that could be cured with an albeit painful prick of a needle that pediatrician hopefully does not share with Dirty Randy, the heroin addict who hangs out in the alleyway outside his or her office.
Well some people do. In Los Angeles, it turns out, people do not like to get their children vaccinated because they almost universally believe that the cohost of Singled Out knows more than every medical school graduate who has ever lived and/or are subjecting their kids to the most hellacious version of “method” acting known to mankind as they prepare them for their auditions in the new original series “Kids That Died of Completely Curable Diseases Because It’s 1879” in one of the darker turns that the Disney Channel has ever taken. Either way this is going to be a real problem when Robert Quinn’s son or daughter gets whopping cough, a disease every single person in St. Louis is immune to because of, like, science, don’t you think?
St. Louis Has Water-In the Los Angeles area, and California as a whole, water is in such short supply that people are forced to allow the grass on their front lawns to start to resemble poop. Average citizens are being charged $1,900 for a glass of water whenever they are eating lunch at their local Red Lobster. Samuel L. Jackson is so thirsty that he is willing to jump back into that Shark Tank from Deep Blue Sea just to soothe his palette. Why killer sharks are still given enough water to survive in tanks after they have eaten literally dozens of scientists while Samuel L. can’t even get a drop of H2O to wet his whistle? I don’t know. Who does? It’s LA, a place where animals will always have more rights than people.
Not to be too callous to the struggles facing the state of California, but, given the nature of this post, I am obliged to point out that St. Louis, on the other hand, has these things called the “rivers,” which provide us with so much free and fresh H2O from bodies of water that only approximately 7 million people have defecated directly into that I often take 8 or 19 showers/day just because 1-I can, and 2-I sweat every time I eat 2 or more pepperoni pizza Lean Pockets—the switch from Hot Pockets to Lean Pockets being the main reason that I have lost 0.02 pounds in the past 4 years—an event which also occurs between 8 and 19 times/day. And, it turns out, “rivers” and “water” are important things when you’re trying to house a professional football team. Why you ask? Because football players are better when they drink water. Due to the fact that, as Adam Sandler so astutely taught us, football players hate Gatorade.
St. Louis Possess the Strongest Economy in the World-There are only seven different kinds of companies in the United States of America. Electrical Companies. Shoe Companies. Beer brewers that create the magic that is Busch Light. Dog Food companies. Workshops where children build their own stuff animals (because, hey, what child doesn’t want to put that much effort into their fun). Rental car companies (where they give you the tools to be your own boss). Companies that have something to do with farmers and chemicals that may or may not kill people. And companies that do something with prescription drugs that no one can decipher or understand, assuming of course they are not poisoning them.
St. Louis has all of these kinds of companies. To my knowledge Los Angeles has none of them. Therefore Los Angeles does not have an economy, and therefore-squared Los Angeles is a city whose entire way of living is based on rudimentary bartering and sexual favors due to the fact that currency does not exist there. Is that the kind of market you want your franchise to be in Stan, a market where people “buy” tickets by caressing your ticket salesman’s bare stomach because there are no jobs and no money? Yes? It is? Man…I knew from your mustache that you were one weird son of a bee-sting.
St. Louis Celebrates Physical Deformity/Imperfection-Spoiler alert for those of you who read this blog regularly and/or have physically seen my face: I have bad skin. I know it can be hard to tell given the fact that I recently received a employment recruiting email from GNC due to my sick bod, but if you focus your gaze on my face instead of my insanely developed traps then you will see my severe adult acne, and, unfortunately, you will notice it. You will reveal in it. You will know that it is impossible to hide. You will know that I look exactlylike Avril Lavigne before she took ProActive that one time.
In St. Louis, the flaw in my complexion is accepted. In St. Louis, the flaw in my skin is celebrated. In St. Louis, the flaw in my skin is what sets me apart from all the normal, handsome and clear-skinned people who go on to have jobs such as managing an American Eagle retailer or wrestling the areas Armadillos for sport while being paid no money whatsoever. In St. Louis, my acne does not hold me back. No one treats me like a freak. No one holds their breathe in astonishment when I walk past. No one, not one single person, has prevented me from entering a nightclub because of the zits on my face. They have prevented me from entering a nightclub because I am poor, and they have prevented me from entering a nightclub because I was wearing cargo shorts. Both of those reasons, as opposed to physical appearance, are legit.
Los Angeles, however, does not share St. Louis’ tolerance for physical imperfection. In Los Angeles 80-year-old woman stick needles in their face to look as if they are 67. In Los Angeles the second most physically attractive and talented Canadian pop singer in town is forced to take medication to make her face appear as if it has less maroon bumps on it than it, in fact, does. In Los Angeles, you are not allowed to be yourself, to look like yourself, to be comfortable in your own skin. In Los Angeles you are always made to feel like you are less than. In Los Angeles style matters more than substance.
That is not what America is about. George Washington had wooden teeth, and in Los Angeles they’d be judging him for that, instead of winning the Revolutionary War. Therefore Los Angeles is for British tyranny. Therefore, Los Angeles is not a part of America. Try arguing that logic jabronis.
St. Louis Has Rappers That Rap About the Rams-I have never heard of a famous or well known rapper who has ever resided in the greater Los Angeles area, but I do known Nelly, Murphy Lee, Kyjuan, Ali and City Spudd, aka the St. Lunatics, who wrote the greatest line in rap history with the verse “St. Lunatics at the Super Bowl, top row getting super blowed, Rams on the 24, 2nd down, 2 to go,” To my knowledge the ‘Los Angeles Rams’ never won a Super Bowl. Also, to my knowledge, the ‘Los Angeles Rams’ never were mentioned in any type of rap song whatsoever.
Besides, as family film star turned musician Ice Cube undeniably proves, Los Angeles is more of a Raiders Town anyways.
St. Louis Has Heart-This is the city where Busch Light is brewed. If that doesn’t prove to you what we have inside of us, then nothing ever will. Get it? Because Busch Light is inside of us? And therefore we are awesome…and pee a lot. Nailed it