As all of you should know—both because I have a fully-grown neck beard and because I have once again become a slave to traditional gender roles after I forgot to lock the bathroom door at work only to have the janitor walked in and immediately start making fun of me for peeing while sitting down—I do not wear perfume. Hell, I don’t even wear cologne. Or deodorant. Why not? Because McConaughey doesn’t wear deodorant. So, until they invent a deodorant that is designed to smell exactly like McConaughey’s undeodorized sweat, I’m going to follow Matthew’s lead and not church up my body’s scent either.
However, unlike my refusal to indulged in perfume, or aroma enhancement of any sort, I do, in fact, watch television. And one of the things I have noticed most after spending copious hours sitting in front of a 40-inch screen while eating a copious amount of hot pockets and then wondering why I have a Body mass Index of 74.3—other than the power of Steve Harvey’s mustache and the surprisingly high amount of husbands that murder their wives (or vice versa) based on my watching of Friday night episodes of 20/20—is that the fragrance market is getting their advertising on. They are getting their advertising on big-time. And they are doing it by featuring big name actresses in commercials that make absolutely no logical sense.
Scarlett Johansson describes how the wind inspires her for Dolce & Gabbana. Taylor Swift wanders through the woods in a dress that looks like it is made of 19 dead puppies while shilling her own scent, Wonderstruck. Gwen Stefani turns into an Olympic synchronized swimmer for something called “L” by “L.A.M.B.” By this point I am as tired of elaborating as you are of being elaborated to. By this point you get the idea.
These commercials are out there. These commercials exist. And these commercials, in spite of their total lack of cohesion or logical direction, inspire me. Aroma enhancement products are blowing up the marketing game. And since marketing is my game (humor is my profession, writing mean social media comments is my passion), I figured it was about time I started to play it at its biggest stages.
So, without further ado, here are my celebrity perfume commercial ideas. Now’s the time to read up Christian Dior, if that is in fact your real name. Because I am about to sell a butt load of your smells to stanky people all over the world.
Celebrity Perfume Concepts
Celebrity Star: Queen Latifah
Perfume Name: Oppression by Monarchy
Premise: Queen Latifah is standing dressed in the finest of royal robs on one of those archaic lift things that are kind of like rickshaws if rickshaws didn’t have wheels and were carried on the backs of 100,000 peasants. On all sides of her are throngs of angry citizens who look hungry, disheveled, and destitute as they shout vulgarities in her direction. Once she reaches the dead middle of the crowd Queen Latifah stops the lift and raises her hands. Everyone becomes silent. She then takes her hands and makes the suck it sign out to the crowd. The citizens begin jeering even more intensely as the lift continues on. The screen goes black as the words “Don’t Smell Like a Peasant…because Peasants Are Poor” pop up to fill the darkness.
Celebrity Star: Cloris Leachman
Perfume Name: GILF by Old Ass
Premise: Cloris Leachman is rolling around in her bed, the portion of her body from her breasts down is covered in a white sheet. A young man, say 24 or 25, walks into the room without wearing a shirt. Cloris, noticing his presence, waits expectantly. “You know,” Cloris says, “I once gave a hand-job to Warren G Harding. And his wife wasn’t too thrilled about it…” Seemingly excited by this statement, which makes sense given the Associate’s Degree in U.S. History that he earned at a local Community College, the young dude hops into the bed and begins kissing Cloris gingerly and awkwardly, as to not break her hip or make physical contact with her. A voice whispers, “GILF by Old Ass…because old ladies don’t need to learn new tricks” as the young fella moans in pleasure and the ad cuts out.
Celebrity Star: Gwyneth Paltrow
Perfume Name: Insufferable by Condescension
Premise: Gwyneth Paltrow mingles at a classy dinner party, saying things like “Oh my gosh, how can you eat beef when you know that cows have feelings and emotions and celebrate Valentines Day with one another?,” “I don’t see how someone could spend less than $1065 on a sweater with horses stitched on it. What else are you going to spend your petty cash on? I mean Aston Martin’s cost way more than that…” and “My husband and I 'consciously uncoupled’ after he consciously decided to put his penis inside of the lady who owned our Laundromat” only to have the camera fade out and show that no one else is at the dinner party and she has been talking to herself the entire time. At this exact moment Gwyneth begins to weep softly. A voiceover then cuts in, saying “What if your scent made you smarter than all of your friends…because you didn’t have any?”
Celebrity Star: Mindy Kaling
Perfume Name: Filet-O-Fish by Ronald McG
Premise: Mindy Kaling stands in line at a salad store, a depressing place where everyone hates their lives because their diets consist mostly of leafs and their poops are just the worst. Mindy makes her way to the cash register and is about to order when she looks up and sees the roof of the building being torn away from the rest of the structure. Suddenly, from the now visible sky, a ladder made of diamond studded dildos falls down in front of Kaling who grabs said dildos, one after the other, as she hoists herself up outside of the now three sided salad shop and is carried away by the TIE Fighter that the other end of the ladder is attached to.
Still on the ladder Mindy soars over the city, spreading her arms in joy and fist bumping the Statue of Liberty after Luke Skywalker, the TIE Fighter pilot, inexplicably gets lost and starts heading to New Jersey. Quickly Skywalker realizes that R2D2, his now 30-year-old GPS system, is wrong about 98% time and changes course, heading back to Manhattan before finally touching down outside of the McDonald’s in Times Square. Once safely landed Mindy scampers off of her diamond dildo ladder and heads inside, where she orders 9 Filet-O-Fishes, eating 7 in rapid succession and spreading the tarter sauce from the other 2 all over her neck as the inevitable whispered description begins: “Filet-O-Fish by Ronald McG…cause you want to smell as good as our 13th best sandwich tastes.”
Celebrity Star: Ronda Rousey
Perfume: Thirst by Revenge
Premise: Ronda Rousey is crouching down in some bushes holding a knife in her mouth and wearing camo face paint, when a giant buffalo runs by. Ronda begins chasing it instantly. While she pursues the majestic creature, Rousey starts to have flashbacks to painful moments in her life: the kick to the head by Holly Holm, the judo loss in the 2008 Olympics to someone that no one has ever heard of before or since, the moment when she semi-voluntarily agreed to go out on a date with Turtle in the Entourage Movie. As she continues to run after North America’s largest land mammal Ronda’s face portrays torment, pain, the exact type of look I get when I, uh, do stuff to myself while sobbing delicately. Ronda is chasing something. Ronda is chasing herself.
Ronda comes to a clearing where she and the Buffalo stop and stare at each other in a moment of self-actualization. Ronda’s fury can no longer be contained. Neither can the rage of the only buffalo that was not murdered on the Oregon Trail video game. After a pause Ronda and the buffalo begin sprinting at each other. What will happen next?
Will the myth of Ronda Rousey be destroyed again by a kick to the dome from this behemoth? Will Ronda stab the buffalo with the knife she is still illogically clutching in her mouth only to face the $25 billion fine attached to the needless slaughter of an endangered species? Will the buffalo begin urinating all over itself out of fear only to have Ronda abandon her quest once she comprehends that regaining her pride is not worth being covered in Buffalo pee? We don’t know. We never find out. The image goes dark as the words “Thirst by Revenge…Are you the hunter or the huntee?” fill the television and everyone tries to ignore the fact that “huntee” is not an actual part of the English language.
Celebrity Star(s): Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon
Perfume: SWAS by Equality
Premise: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are sitting at a picnic table together in the middle of a park when Tim Robbins stands up for no apparent reason only to reveal a noticeably large wet spot on the buttocks of his trousers. “Gross!” Susan Sarandon says. Upon hearing his lover’s admonishment Tim Robbins looks at her in disgust and replies “You judgmental whore. If you were a man you’d know how real swamp ass is.”
Susan Sarandon then begins to cackle wildly in response. After a few seconds she stands up, revealing her own wet spot on her own buttocks. She'd set Tim Robbins up to look like an a-hole, and he had gladly taken the bait. “What…wait…you too?” Tim Robbins stammers as he realizes that possessing a sweaty anal cavity is an attainable goal for members of all sexes. Susan Sarandon nods her head as she walks up to Tim Robbins, punches him in the testicles, and walks out of his life forever. The whisper initiates: “SWAS, by Equality. Because it’s 2015…and swampy butts aren’t just for the fellas anymore…”