Think about the last charitable event you attended. Was it something fun, like a trivia night where you cost your team a silver medal by incorrect believing in your heart that Mr. Miyagi will live forever during a game of dead or alive meant to break a tie for 2nd place, or something lame, like a stuffy gala where you pitted out your dress shirt so bad you refused to remove your jacket at any point during the evening even though it was literally cooking your body like a Boston Market rotisserie chicken? At this charity event, did you enjoy yourself? Did you have a good time? Given your experience would you be more likely to come back and donate your hard earned cash money to the cause again?
Great enough that I have recently been spending a large chunk of my time thinking of ways to change the fundraising game. And I reckon that I just might have done it. These are the fundraisers that will put smiles on people’s faces while simultaneously getting them to open their wallets. These are the new generation of charitable events, the ones that will finally give the kind-hearted and benevolent men and women of our planet the opportunities they need to use their money to set our civilization free.
A New Generation Of Charitable Events
1) 0.25K Charity Sprint-As all of you know, because you listen to everything I’ve ever said and take it to heart, running was created by Satan in an attempt to indoctrinate humans into a type of fiery hellscape that can only exist on Earth when people move great distances as fast they can while convincing themselves that such behavior is improving their health and well-being. The irony is that running somehow raises a shit ton of money for stuff. I mean, if we're being honest, running may be our civilization's best chance at curing cancer. So take that Lucifer. Even when you torture our species, we are generally so resilient that the ends (no cancer) come pretty close to justifying the mean (having to run).
Anyways, given the fact that the aforementioned running fundraisers are such an entrenched part of our charitable consciousness, my goal is to take the concept and moderate it in order to make it as tolerable as possible. With that in mind, I have decided to take the traditional 5-10k charity run, and make it short AF. And given the fact that a bunch jabronis in Texas have stolen my idea with a 0.5k charity run of their own—on the day after I had discussed my “charity sprint” idea with a bunch of colleagues, proving once and for all that my every word is being bugged and sold at auction to people who want to steal the totality of my undeniably groundbreaking thoughts (thanks a lot Siri)—my only choice is to make my charity run even shorter. So let’s all pay $20-4,000 to sprint 0.25 kilometers, however far that is, from one bar to another while donating the proceeds to people who never got a measles vaccination cause their parents are morons. Ready, break!
2) Yelling Booth-Think of a kissing booth, only with a volunteer inside the booth who isn’t an attractive woman (or man, or gender neutral person. C’mon it’s 2018 now people!) who you would pay a dollar to smooch, but a person who is able and willing to get screamed at for the better part of a weekend. Now I know what you all are probably thinking: and yes this person can be attractive. Or ugly. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that we are giving people a chance to get all of their anger and resentment off their chest with no repercussions, assuming their spouse or boss or small child (yes, child volunteers are welcome) or whoever isn’t the volunteer in the booth. The yeller also gets the opportunity to contribute to a good cause while calling a total stranger a lecherous mother-ucker (Yes I intentionally left off the "f." Because I both like referencing Flight of the Conchords and avoiding cuss words) and probably scarring them for life. Talk about your classic win-win-win situation.
3) Real Life ‘Hunger Games’ For Rich People-Dear rich people…do you want to prove your physical and intellectual supremacy over one another all while helping to cure lupus (I am talking about the disease Lupus here, as opposed to Lupin, the werewolf character in the Harry Potter films who, like Mr. Miyagi, is apparently dead and was the only know person with his "turn into a werewolf" condition so…)? Well this is the high-end charitable event for you. For the low price of $500,000 you get an 0-expenses paid trip to a remote island, where you will hunt the other event participants, who are also hunting you, until only one person remains alive and is both declared the champion of this charitable competition and potentially charged with murder. I really think this will be our biggest fundraiser. There are all kinds of wealthy weirdos out there who love hunting big game. And there is no game bigger than another human being. Besides a rhino maybe. And a T-Rex. And Jeffrey, the now unemployed Toys R Us Giraffe.
4) Charity Fast Food Crawl-Think a pub crawl, only along a major road with more than 3 fast food restaurants located adjacent to it. As opposed to most charity pub crawls, which are replete with drink specials, this crawl will offer no discounts of any sort, both because fast food places are already super cheap and I am too intimidated by most Arby’s managers to ask them to participate. However, what it will offer is all the best kinds of food. Burgers. Tacos. Pizza. Fried chicken. Roast beef sandies. Tuna salad. Hot Dogs. Whatever it is that Long John Silver’s sells. Basically you get to spend a Saturday doing exactly what each and every red-blooded American spends their Saturday doing, all while dropping just a little extra coin for the right to know that the McRib you are eating is not only titillating your taste buds, but helping low-income dogs pay their health insurance premiums as well.
5) 50/50 Recorder Recital-Imagine a 50/50 raffle, only with the “raffle” portion of the arrangement replaced by a bunch of untrained 2nd graders playing wooden recorders in front of a concert hall filled with everyone who contributed to the pot. Now let’s get to the twist: the last person who is able to remain in the theater without murdering themselves wins half the money. That’s right. All you have to do is listen to a bunch of seven-year-olds play “Farmer and the Dell’ for between 15 and 100-trillion minutes straight to win a cool $272 that you will then be expected to donate back to the cause. Because in this instance, like with any charity 50-50 raffle, the winner will get severely peer-pressured until they feel too uncomfortable to keep the money they have just won. And NO ONE should have a problem with that. After all, it’s for kids you guys. And the kids are our future.
6) Fake It Till You Make It-This idea originated from an episode of Seinfeld wherein one George Costanza, aka the best person (real or fictional) to have ever be created by Jesus’ dad, made donations in his co-worker’s names to a fake charity entitled the ‘Human Fund’ as a way to buy each of them a Christmas present without actually, you know, spending any money. This sheer genius of this ploy has been stuck in my consciousness ever since I first witnessed it on my parents’ television screen, and not just because the ‘Human Fund” featured the greatest tagline of all-time (The Human Fund: Money For People). No you see what struck me about Costanza’s gambit, even as the inauthenticity of his “gift” was discovered and he was revealed as a truly awe-inspiring degenerate, was that Georgie Boy was coming at it from the wrong angle.
You can’t just make up a charity. People are too uptight for that kinda move nowadays (and apparently in the mid-to-late 90's when this episode aired). But, if you are a charity, you can flip the script on Costanza’s concept and make up an event. So all you non-profit do-gooder fundraisers out there, go ahead and invite every single big-wig in your rolodex to your organization’s charity auction, or art show, or “we rented out all of Six Flags because we know how you affluent folks hate to stand in lines when you are trying to purchase a copious amount of turkey legs” day. Take their money. And when they call you up pissed after arriving at an empty banquet hall, or galleria, or amusement park, just shrug your shoulders and say: “What, you don't like charity now?" Unless you are a definitively awful person, there is just no comeback for that. For the charity at least, there is also no cost since they will be spending $0 planning and putting on this non-event, therefore turning every ticket they sell and sponsorship they secure into pure profit.
And isn't that the point, for these great charitable organizations to take home as much money as they possibly can? Yes, of course it is. Because, according to science, we all have hearts: big, compassionate, crafted out of solid gold hearts. And that means we are OK sprinting, or screaming at/hunting one another, or even getting lied to, as long as in doing so we are also helping somebody out. As long as we are trying some new and different. As long as we are no longer willing to accept the charitable event status quo, and put forth a greater effort in order to raise the cheddar necessary to help out a worthy cause.
That's how we change the world you guys. One honestly (or dishonestly) earned rich person's check at a time.