As all of you should know, both because you have watched the AMC original television show Mad Men and tried to live the program out in real-life by getting hammered drunk, smoking 1,900 cigarettes a day and cheating on your wife so often the mere sight of January Jones makes you actively despise yourself and everything you've become, advertising is no easy racquet. To be a successful advertiser person you have to have guts. You have to have courage. You have to be able to mercilessly mock people who are not as smart and/or good looking as you are. You have to be able to ignore your kids and act like they are nothing more than a burden on your otherwise awesome existence. In other words, you have to be exactly like Donald Draper: morality corrupt, ethically bankrupt and, above all else, really, really, really ridiculously good looking.
It’s with that in mind that I announce my intention to go into the advertising business by providing a new slogan for my single favorite product on the market: Busch Beer. Too bad that “Drink it in…because it all goes down smooth” has already been taken. Because, if it hadn’t, then there’d be no reason (double negative alert) to continue reading and all of you would be set free. Instead the whole world is glued to their computer screen to see what the 2013 version of Donald Draper can come up with. Jackpot.
Busch Beer Slogans
Editors Note: Some of these slogans were created with the help and ingenuity of my friend D-Boy (not to be confused with DBoi). Those slogans will be followed with this disclaimer: “A D-Boy original”
1) Busch Beer…it’s like a tree with real-life cookie making elves living inside of it.
2) Busch Beer, the sound the can makes when its opened is the only way to listen to Louisiana style jazz…if you’re too poor to afford a MP3 player.
3) Busch Beer, it’s like Predator 2…if Carl Weathers had also been in the second one. So I guess it’s more like Predator 1 then.
4) Busch Beer, it’s a giant can of drugs. Literally. Alcohol is pretty debilitating to your health.
5) Busch Beer, it’s like finding water in the desert. If the desert was heaven. And heaven's water was brewed in St. Louis.
6) Busch Beer, because not everyone can afford champagne. Or any of the other beers on the market.*
* A semi D-Boy Original
7) Busch Beer…because warm beer is better than warm whiskey.*
*A D-Boy Original
8) Busch Beer, when you want to say I’m here to party…but I’ve also got a job*
*A D-Boy Original
9) Busch Beer…imagine making out with Kelly Kapowski. Then take a swig. You’ll only be mildly disappointed.
10) Busch Beer…Michael Bolton drank one once. Maybe. Before he made it big.
11) Busch Beer…because extreme couponing does nothing to alter its price.
12) Busch Beer, the hardest thing about drinking it…is telling your wife that she no longer makes you happy.
13) Busch Beer…because the Cold War had to teach us something right?
And My Personal Favorite…
14) Busch Beer, if you’re wearing a tank top…then you’re already drinking one.