We need to talk.....
Don't make that face. I can already tell you're starting to tense up and get nervous. That is just going to make this harder.
June, I think we should take a break.
You might be feeling a lot of confusion at this moment, wondering why I would want to be away from you when all you've done is provide a transition.
However, that's not what you've brought me, June. That hasn't been what you've brought me for 6 years now. I'm starting not to trust you.
You see 6 years ago it was the first week in June when my uncle was taken away from me. I was just a child then, about to start my junior year of college. Of course at that time you don't feel like a child. You are in your 20s! You can legally go to bars and clubs! I was in one in St. Louis when I got the call. The call my uncle was robbed at gun point. Two young boys who wanted to "cause trouble" or "shoot someone"......an idiotic phrase I can't even recall at this point because it was so disturbing, so haunting.
While I felt pain, I couldn't imagine the pain of others around me. I felt terrible for my cousins who had just lost their father. I felt terrible for my aunt, uncle, and father who lost their brother. And then my grandparents........
People always say, "You should not have to bury your kid". They say it so often that it's almost the token thing to say. But really.....really.......really......I can't imagine giving someone life, skills, love, attention and then burying that person before they've even reached their full potential.
At that time everything stopped. My family consoled each other. Talked with each other. And slowly learned how to live this new life, just as a smaller unit.
Truthfully, I think we all were just starting to move on within the past year.
Yes June, you were just starting to make a comeback. You were just starting to symbolize renewal again and something special.
And isn't that how most toxic relationships are? Once your guard is down, you are reminded of all the reasons why you were hesitant, distrustful. I knew there was something underwhelming about you June and I was starting to forget!
Well you reminded me again! This time you took my uncle's son. Why?
This month started a little shaky. I was just starting to feel a little not myself. A little less present, and wanting a break when you halted my life, my world. I won't ever forget Thursday, June 9th. I will never remember the days between then and the funeral. The rest of June I was in a fog trying to still keep my world moving. Trying to juggle the balls while I felt restless, and sleepless, and emotional, and disappointed.
Actually, FU June. This will not be a cordial departure. I’m not going to give you the decency of saying “the timing isn’t right” as if the blows you’ve dealt would be better handled in another moment in my life. There will be no pandering with a “It’s not you, it’s me” lie.
The emotions are still too raw, too unprocessed, to even address. At times, I can’t tell if I’m successfully moving forward or tactfully covering up. Artfully avoiding.
On top of that there was work, where I was not being myself and could not give my full attention. I was underperforming to the extreme. And then there were additional tests and requirements. Other things to fulfill. So with your constant drowning there was no calm, no still, to even get my bearings.
Everyday began purely with the thought, "You just have to get through it task by task" and that's not a way to live. It's not how I could live, and I just......
So June, we need to take a break. And it will completely be Ross and Rachel style, in that, you are Rachel and will wait, and then come back, and I will see other people. July is a rebound, it’s going to start with a feelings that can’t realistically be maintained, but August and September have true potential. More than you, June, could ever have.
So June, it's not goodbye forever, but this is goodbye for now.