As all of you should know—primarily because you are all, based on your current Internet reading taste, insanely well-informed people who I can only assume know how to work the Google machine—studies show that approximately 70% of Americans hate their job, a number which tells us a lot about our country and the way its citizens live our lives. This number tells us that acrimony is endemic to our culture. This number demonstrates that contempt is native to our society. This number represents pain that almost all of us feel, agony that the vast majority of us are compelled to battle against. This number is something that we are all, in one way or another, forced to confront it.
A profession is a profession, whether you are selling toilet seat covers to homeless shelters or entire toilets to billionaires who hate homeless people and take massive shits while their bodyguards man the bathroom door; whether you are getting paid to sit in a cubicle and contemplate suicide or to roam the forest, rifle cocked and ready as you look for quails to murder in order to stop them from decimating the grub-worm population. Even if you love what you do there comes a point and time where doing it has reached a boiling point, where the endeavor itself has become a chore. I heard Jimmy Kimmel say on a Podcast once (yeah I’m hip like that) that there are plenty of times when he cannot wait to get out of the office, plenty of moments where he feels shackled and chained by his vocation, plenty of instances where even his job is still just that: a fucking job.
If a man who literally gets paid to stand off to the side while Andy Dick informs us that people want to punch him until there are bones in his stool is unable to find complete satisfaction in his work, what chance do the rest of us have? Who knows? Perhaps we don’t have one at all. But if we do have any opportunity to overcome our malaise, to conquer our doldrums, to stand up and thrust our fists in the air and take our days back and say enough is enough, this ends now, we are going to have to change our outlook, our perspective, the way we see the world.
Us working men and women often despise what we do. That’s obviously no secret. But maybe, just maybe, there are things we can do that will allow us to disdain it just a bit less. But maybe, just maybe, there are modifications we can make to our attitude, our habits, our ultimate goals that will allow us to let go of that abhorrence and keep it from ruining who we are as people. But maybe, just maybe, there is a different prism through which we can view the place where we are employed that will allow us to acknowledge that we are not defined by our jobs. We are defined by how much we bench press. Because this is America. And there is a reason why Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the happiest person who lives here.
6 Ways To Improve Your Work Life
1) Eat a good breakfast-Someone once told me that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. That person was a teacher so I automatically assumed the information was nonsense and went back to stating that 5+6=56 on my math worksheets. Then, like a month ago, McDonald’s started serving breakfast all day and I finally realized that schools are capable of teaching us things that are factually correct. Thanks Corporate America for proving to me the value of my education! Now if any of you will just treat Masters Degrees as a reason to hire semi-qualified employees…
Anyways, on a slightly more honest note, I actually do feel way better when I eat a solid, healthy breakfast then when I eat fruit or something else gross to start my day. That’s why I am so grateful to work at a place that supplies its employees with a free, nutritious breakfasts each and every day! Now I get to spend the first 1.5 hours of my workday smearing egg sandwich against my neck beard without even having to pay a nickel of my own money for such a lofty privilege. If that isn’t conducive to a boost in employee moral than I don’t know what is. Seriously, I have no idea what I’m talking about. Read on at your own risk.
2) Ignore site blockers-Last time I checked, everyone who is reading this blog except for that homeboy in Nepal who, according to Google Analytics, accidentally landed on this page between 2 and 14 times last year alone, is from these United States. And in these United States, unlike in socialist Norway, we have this thing I like to call freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom from (and I guess of) religion. Freedom to scratch my belly hair in each and every Wal-Mart in this great nation, whether it turns on the elderly lady in the fabric section or not.
Freedom to look at whatever I want on the Internet, whenever I want, including in a crowded Starbucks while sipping out of a cup that reads “Happy Holidays” and thereby hates Jesus. This right is unwavering and absolute. This right also extends to my place of employment. Case in point: Guess what I did at work yesterday? I typed the words “Elizabeth Berkeley Hot” into a Google search bar. And let me tell you…safe search was turned off. And I was just as joyous as I could be. Why? Because I respect myself, and my first amendment rights, enough to look at sexy pictures of a grownup Jessie Spano during the middle of the day. Because I knew that was what was going to make me happy.
3) Treat dress codes like the communist propaganda they are-Here’s a random reflection for you: why are we, as a culture, so concerned with things like professionalism, rectitude and orthodoxy when it comes to our attire in the work place? I mean have you ever seen Boogie Nights? Cause I have. And Mark Wahlberg works absolutely buck naked for like 75% of that movie and seems to be doing A-OK when it comes to things like making enough money to do drugs and having a large penis so…let’s follow his lead shall we?
It has been scientifically proven that if you look comfortable you will feel comfortable. It has also been proven by historians everywhere that Stalin forced each citizen of the Soviet Union to dress up like a poor person who was unhappy about their lack of both money and freedom every day of their lives. Ergo, by that inarguable logic, if you don’t dress the way you want to dress then you will be both uncomfortable and someone who allows Stalin to retroactively win the Cold War. That can’t be what we are about America. That shouldn’t be what we stand for.
4) Start Snorting Supplements-Question one: do you every feel depleted or drained of energy at work? Of course you do. That’s what the previous 1,200 words of nonsensical rhetoric have been about. Question two: have you ever snorted lines cut up from a mountain of preworkout that you have constructed on your desk when you’re feeling depleted or drained of energy at work? If not, you should. You should do it right now.
Because studies show that snorting preworkout supplements (and powders in general) is the single best way to improve energy levels that the human brain has ever developed while also presenting zero health risks to the people that ingest them whatsoever. So go ahead, dump some C4 onto your desk and rub your face into it fairly frequent. It’ll get you jacked up. Which makes sense. After all, that stuff is basically legal, and ironically more potent, cocaine.
5) Don’t put effort into what you do-A happy workplace is one where no one feels stressed. And a workplace where no one feels stressed is one where no one feels judged. And a workplace where no one feels judged is one where everyone does the exact same amount of work and therefore is unable to feel superior to any one of their fellow employers. A company is only as strong as its weakest link. As Michael Scott once said, “I just don’t want my employees believing that their jobs are dependent on performance.” And Michael Scott ran the most profitable, and entertaining, branch in the history of Dunder Mifflin who always did the right thing so…the dude clearly knows wassup.
At the end of the day the one thing we should always do is never, ever care about our actual job performance. That is ultimately what makes us unhappy: the worrying, the constant pressure, the struggle to live up to expectations and help the people who pays us pocket somewhere between 0 and $1 trillion more than they would've if we were just outwardly lazy and incompetent, the belief that we will be hired and fired and be able to feed, or not feed, our families based on how well we fulfill the responsibilities that have been enumerated to us inside of some corporation that we neither truly care about our are invested in. Some people say if you work hard you will be successful and happy. I say that if you don’t work hard then you will not know how unsuccessful you really are or how much professional happiness has truly eluded you.
The less you put in, the less you realize what you are not getting out. Those words, my friends, are emblematic of the way I live my life. Those words, my friends, should inform the way you plan to conquer the world around you too.
6) Carry a flask…-And drink from it liberally. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure, that this is how Ulysses S. Grant got his face onto the $50 bill. Dude's a baller. Forget Lincoln. Grant is the guy who should be picking his nose on Mt Rushmore I always say...