The other night I was in Men’s Wearhouse (don’t know why spellcheck doesn’t recognize hilarious fashion/industrial puns) getting fitted for a suit for my buddy’s wedding—turns out the particular suit he wants to buy may or may not be made in my particular size, because I am a rotund freak who is between 6 and 400 White Castle sliders away from being too large to have my entire body covered by a reasonable amount of fabric—when I observed an interesting comment. After taking my sizes and confirming that conventional suits can indeed be made to fit a 275 lbs. man with the biggest biceps at the local tech company where he is employed, the Men’s Wearhouse employee asked my friend when he would be able to get the other groomsmen’s sizes so he can begin ordering the formal wear. “I was aiming for Sunday night,” my friend said. “Oh can we make it Monday?” the salesmen responded. “Sunday is Easter, one of the 4 days a year where we’re actually closed.”
My third reaction, after a great deal of thought, was the ability to explain my own ignorance about such an important day of Christian jubilee. How the hell can I be expected to remember when Easter is when I don’t tangibly benefit from it? I mean look, I love Jesus as much as the next guy. More than the next guy even, assuming he’s not the Pope or a male member of Mike Pence’s staff, but at the end of the day holidays are really about what they can provide for me. Money. Signature meals. Paid time off. And unfortunately in my world, Jesus’ death and resurrection does nothing to make my life ostensibly better (other than saving me from my sins and all that jazz, which I of course am eternally grateful for). Therefore, as much as it pains me to say it because there are real people who treat Easter as a real big deal for real reasons, I have no choice but to deem Easter as a not real holiday, at least in how it pertains to my own life. Now, in case you haven’t gotten the point yet, I will go into more detail expounding why.
5 Reasons Easter Is Not A Real Holiday
1) I Do Not Get Any (Extra) Days Off Work-As I mentioned earlier, Easter Sunday is a day I would otherwise get off work, because it is on the weekend and I, like every other great America, do zero work on the weekend ever. This will remain my policy until my place of employment starts giving me a $8,000 bonus for checking my email every other Saturday and/or figuring out how to get work messages sent to my phone. However, it would be shortsighted to limit the celebration of Easter weekend to just one day. For instance, the crooks on the New York Stock Exchange are taking today, aka Good Friday, off which is fantastic for them because they don’t have to wait until after lunch to responsibly starting ripping lines of cocaine, and terrible for me because there is no one to unload all those shares of SnapChat I am trying so desperately to sell. Long story short, I am working a normal schedule, which means that Easter, like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or Victory Over Japan Day, gives me absolutely no additional PTO and therefore just isn’t that important to me. Sorry mom, dad, and WWII vets who fought in the Pacific Theater. Call my boss and actually accomplish something that impacts my life… then your contribution to society will start mattering to me.
2) Celebrating It Isn't That Fun-On Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, I get to spend 4 glorious days laying on various couches, eating the best meal of the year (and its leftovers), watching a copious amount of corrupt NFL and not at all corrupt college football, and feeling like society is finally rooting for me to spend 96 hours never being sober. On Christmas I get presents, things like cutting boards which are not-sexy but super useful because I am too poor to buy them on my own now that Bed, Bath and Beyond pulled a United Airlines and stopped giving them away for free. On the 4th of July I finally have the chance to send super judgmental tweets to Benedict Cumberbatch because he is a descendant of the very Red Coats that tried to squash our freedom and liberty. I also get to wear my calf high American flag socks free of judgment, although that privilege seems to be universal.
What is so great about Easter? Peeps are gross, in spite of the mascot being a bunny, no one seems to think it’d be a good idea for me to hunt and kill a rabbit for dinner (more on the EB later), and I wasn’t invited to Emperor Trump’s Easter Egg Hunt on the White House lawn, which may be a good thing considering that the event is going off without the only Canadian I respect, Justin Bieber, and, apparently, actual eggs. Once you are old enough to realize looking for candy is lame when you can just steal your parent’s credit card and go buy a copious amount of Starburst jellybeans yourself without actually paying for them (aka 26 or so), the celebration of Easter doesn’t really bring a whole lot to the table. I’d rather do what I normally do on Sundays…spill food on my shirt and try my hardest not to die. And isn’t that how God would want me to spend such a momentous occasion, by being myself?
3) The Easter Bunny Is Not Anatomically Correct-I have all kinds of problems with the Easter Bunny, the biggest perhaps being that he refused to step up alongside his fellow species member Bugs to help Michael Jordan win the most important basketball game in the history of civilization, but undoubtedly the most pertinent one to this post is that he is often depicted walking upright (see image above). Because, according to science and whatnot, rabbits do not walk upright. They run around on all fours like just about every other non-human animal ever. So make up your mind EB. Either be a normal rabbit and use all four of legs on your candy packages, or be a human/rabbit hybrid that will do whatever it takes to help the Toon Squad beat the Monstars without having to put Newman in the goddamn game. Ball’s in your court man. Ball’s in your court.
4) It Could Hypothetically Make Me Feel Guilty-Since Easter, as mentioned some 479x previously, falls on a Sunday the typical American office is already closed for the holiday. To make up for this many businesses, such as the aforementioned “Stock Market,” will give their employees “Good Friday,” aka today, off. That is an awfully considerate thing to do. Here is the rub however: “Good Friday” is, in fact, the day that Jesus died. So what these companies are commemorating, in essence, is Christ being murdered. So now business must choose between celebrating the day that Jesus died by giving their employees a day off or being an undeniably worst place to work. I’d probably be much happier if mine picked the former, but still, this is not necessarily a win-win scenario. Maybe working, as opposed to day drinking, is a better way to forget about the tragedy that happened just 19.84 short centuries ago? Probably not. But maybe.
5) Everyone Wears Bright Colors-I am actually a fan of this. Easter style is the best holiday style, no doubt (outside the aforementioned socks on the 4th of July of course). No one is a bigger fan of sporting red slacks with a bright yellow polo more than I am, or at least than I would if I owned either object. The problem is that, because Men’s Wearhouse ironically isn’t open, I can’t step up my fashion game on Sunday morning after I’ve predictably been procrastinating for months and now need to purchase some new, primary colored threads quick before arriving at Easter brunch. So, to bring this puppy full circle, the main reason Easter isn’t a real holiday is both because my office is open on Friday, and Men’s Wearhouse isn’t just 2 days later. Way to go society. You’re truly sticking it to me on both ends here.