As all of you know—well unless you aren’t invited to the yet to be mentioned ceremony, in which case the problem is me, not you. I am just a loner who doesn’t have many friends—I am getting married on Saturday. Yes, this Saturday. And, as I currently spend my free time pondering off into the distance and imagining a long life filled with marital bliss and far less White Castle than I would’ve eaten if I were to spend the remainder of my existence single (that’s what happens when someone else suddenly cares whether or not you have a massive heart attack), I am nothing but excited. So excited that I only slept for 8 and a half hours last night. So excited that this morning (Wednesday), for the first time in my adult memory, I woke up before my alarm
I have tried to set reasonable expectations. I expect my wedding to go off without a hitch. And it will. As long as I don’t make any of these mistakes.
10 Things I Hope I Don’t Do On My Wedding Day
1) Get marinara sauce on my shirt-There are certain foods you just have no business eating after you have already spent a significant amount of time getting ready for a wedding and are dressed in your finest duds. One of these foods is spaghetti. Another is Cheetos. And while I have no idea which is the more embarrassing encounter, someone asking if you’re bleeding because there’s a giant red splotch in the middle of your chest or having to explain why the right half of your baby blue button-down is covered in a dullish orange dust while the Priest is trying to welcome a bunch of junk food scarfing sinners to a holy occasion, I do know this: I don’t want to deal with either one of them this weekend.
2) Launch my clothing across the room-If you have never heard the sound a cummerbund makes when it snaps off a groomsmen and crashes down to the floor, let me tell you something...it is surprisingly loud. If you have never been said groomsmen who loses his cummerbund during the wedding vows while sitting in the first row of the church in front of the entire congregation...you have never felt real shame. This is why cummerbunds will also be my arch nemesis. Why don’t you fit around my body right formal wear!
3) Fall asleep at the bar-Falling asleep in public places is generally something you should try your hardest not to do. Falling asleep at the bar after a wedding reception is a clear sign that the love you just witnessed has no juice. Otherwise it would overcome your tipsiness and allow you to stay awake forever! Therefore, if I fall asleep at the after party for my own wedding, I might as well get divorced right then and there. Or go to rehab. That is a stronger possibility.
4) Get so drunk I give, or allow someone else to give, an unwanted speech-The only people who are allowed to speak at a wedding are people the couple have asked to speak. After all we live in a society. However, according to the internet and/or my own experience, uninvited speeches can apparently happen. If you’re not careful your drunk uncle just might grab the mic during speech time and bloviate about how much the bride and groom mean to him, even though only 4% of the room has any idea who he is and neither the bride or groom is sure if he even has a cellphone. Long story short, if anyone tries that shit at my wedding, myself included, they’re getting a swift Ric Flair chop to the throat. Not from me of course. But from somebody far more badass than me. My wedding planner Kristin perhaps. She seems tough.
5) Take an elongated bathroom break at the reception-Full disclosure: I’ve visited a locked stall at almost every wedding reception I have ever attended. Therefore I have no problem with a wedding attendee taking a private moment after dinner is served in the ballroom. I don’t, however, want to repeat this wedding tradition as the groom. For once in my life, people will be paying attention to what I do. And I think at least a small portion of my family and friends are smart enough to put two and two together after I’ve been absent from the head table for 39 minutes.
6) Tell the bride/groom’s mother about said elongated bathroom break-Sometimes, because you are kinda drunk and not paying much attention, the mother of the groom might be standing close enough to you to hear your every word while you are speaking to your feyonce at a wedding reception. And sometimes, when you are explaining to your feyonce where you were for the past half hour and (as I mentioned earlier) unbeknownst to you the mother of the groom is standing within earshot, you will accidentally explain one of your bowl moments in graphic detail to a woman who just watched her son get married and is now laughing hysterically at said son’s friend who dropped a deuce in the classiest reception hall in Chi City. For whatever reason, I really don’t my own mother to feel this much joy on my big day. At least not at my expense.
7) Let my Groomzilla side out-The great thing about being a Groomzilla is that you are breaking down gender stereotypes by proving that members of both sexes can become self-involved monsters while planning even the most inconsequential details of their nuptials. The bad thing about being a Groomzilla is that acting like one means that you are also acting like a giant douche. And I’d rather not be a giant douche about tablecloths or centerpieces. At least not in front of other people. In private? No promises. Just don’t help me plan your wedding and we'll find out how I feel about it.
8) Eat it on the dance floor-Moving to music without dry heaving is a very difficult task for me. Moving to music without dry heaving while also not falling down is a damn near unattainable achievement for yours truly. And while it’s possible for some people to turn a dance floor wipe out into quite the memorable photo-op, it much more likely that the act of eating it while busting a move to "Funky Cold Medina" will lead to a broken face, split pants, and several chards of wine glass lodged in or around your already backed up rectum. And I really don’t want to split my pants. I have consumed more lettuce in the past 2 weeks than I have eaten, or will go on to eat, in the rest of my life combined. These trousers will never fit me again. I can’t take this moment for granted.
9) Crop dust the bride-We all know that it is really easy to subconsciously let one rip while bumping and grinding upright on the dance floor. And given the size of most wedding dance floors, it is even easier to let one rip within the vicinity of the bride. I am not saying I’ve done it. I am not saying I haven’t done it. What I am saying is I’ve seen the terror on a bride’s face when it’s happened, and I really don’t want my brand new wife to face that kind of adversity so early in our time together. She has the rest of her life to be disappointed by smells. And trust me...she will.
10) Let myself go and decide to eat chili-Anytime I eat chili between the hours of 10 and 9:59 AM, I will spill it on my shirt. And there you have it. This entire post has officially come full circle. Now back to the bigger picture: I know I will go to bed as a happy man Saturday night. Assuming I am wearing a still clean white shirt. And have a spouse who is not already planning to head to City Hall Monday morning in search of an annulment.
As some of you may already know, some of these events have actually happened to me. Others happened to people I know. And yet a third group are comprised of moments that have existed solely within the confines of my own head. Whatever the case may be for each particular listing, no one should care. Because I really hope none of this stuff goes down on my watch Saturday night. And it’s 2018, so facts don’t matter anymore anyway.