Dear Readers,
As all of you undoubtedly know—both because I have written copious tales of my own adventures and you have seen my semi-autobiographical film Journey to the Center of the Earth starring Braden Fraser as a slightly less handsome/completely less talented version of myself (what I can say…Martin Lawrence was all booked up)—the Sack is no stranger to world travels. Because, like Brendan Fraser and Amerigo Vespucci before me, I have transversed the Globe, trekking North, South, East, West, Southeast, Southwest, Northwest, North by Northwest, and to the hospital of North West’s birth in my quest to see, hear, know and understand everything that this giant planet has to offer. Like the Greek Dude Odysseus before me, my odyssey has been filled with mythical sirens and semi-naked babes who are into my neck beard and athletic sandal travel attire combo. It has been a magical experience. And one I would not trade for anything other the opportunity to record 90-minutes of whiny white-people sounds with the one and only Alanis Morisette (and yes I am listening to her Spotify Station right now). Jamming with God? That's a billion dollar idea if I have ever heard one.

 
 
Dear Readers,
As surely all of you know, the Sack is America's foremost Jack of all Trades.  And, as such, I am also America's foremost master of every type of art.  Now you may think the term "art" is limited to drawing or painting or sculpting different kinds of penises (yeah...that is what high society is all about), but in many ways...you'd be wrong.  You see the form of art I am talking about is more subtle.  It's more pleasureful.  It's more sexually charged (well...depending on how flaccid you sculpted your penis).  Really...it's the art of seduction.

As you may realize, the art of seduction is as old as time itself.  It's how Eve f'ed over the entire human race so she could eat one GD apple.  It's how Marissa Cooper convinced Ryan Atwood to throw away a life of luxury in Chino for a life of despair in Newport Beach.  It's how Kim Kardashian married, and supposedly was already cheated on, by the 4th best player on a NBA team that was a combined 36-128 (22% winning percentage) the past 2 years.  Basically, it's what makes all the retarded things in the world happen...including Tara Reid (and me being the only man in Western civilization she hasn't smanged).

However, the Sack has recently mastered the art of seduction so...hide your sisters, mothers, and female pets (yeah gender matters for me with animals too.  After all, I'm not a gay beastialitist...not that there's anything wrong with that).  Cause I just tested positive...for G-A-M-E.  Now sit back, relax, and zip up your pants while I tell you how to get the ladies...and not do that kinda stuff to yourself anymore.  Welcome to the (Sack) pick up artist, complete with all the swag of Paul Rudd, and none of the emotional attachment.  I know you'll thank me later.

Slayin the Chicken Heads...Sack Style
As I said earlier, I have discovered a new formula for picking up chicas at your local bar, tarvern or rave basement (although this would probably be a better spot to pick up the chicos...not that there's anything wrong with that).  And now, like that lice infected doucher on VH1, I am ready to share my secrets with America.  So...here we go.

Step 1: Don't Dress Like Your Homeless-This was perhaps the hardest step for me to take.  Look I know that we all love to wear our Cosco brand sweat pants 7 days in a row.  I also know that we all really, really love to cover ourselves in garbage and pass it off as some sort of high-end fashion statement that Owen Wilson hasn't heard about yet.  But, the sad truth is, chicks are usually afraid of guys decked out in see through cotton sweats and used cat food containers filled with urine.  So visit your local Fubu or Vokal outlet store, and let today's hip new style wash over you.  After all, if you look good you feel good. And, if you feel good...then chicks with low self-esteem will feel worse about themselves in your presence.  And (as you'll see later)...that's exactly what we're going for.

Step 2: Groom Yourself-I am going to use myself as an example for this one.  What do you think chicks see when they look at the perfect crafted lion's mane sitting on top of my head running down to my impeccably maintained Amish neck bearded running down to my lucious V of body hair that goes from my chest pubes to my ball fro?  What do you think they see when they look at my strategically placed acne breakouts that tells them "hey I know about proactive, and maybe I've tried it...but I don't care enough to use it on my entire face"?  Well, I'll tell you what they see.  They see a guy who is devastatingly good looking, but still doesn't give a F. And that ain't random.  Trust me...it's all premeditated partna.

Step 3: Act Like You are Better than Everyone Else-Now that we've covered your physical apparrell/appearance, let's take a look at the mental aspect of the pickin up chicas game.  This might be the single most important element to your game, since it is by far the easiest way to separate yourself from the millions of d-bags out there with equisite premeditated style and/or gelled hair.  And how exactly do you do that?  Easy, look down at everyone else around like they are just a gigantic waste of space that is so far beneath an important man about town like yourself.  Look if there is one thing chick's respond to it's arrogance (are as I like to call it "confidence on steroids that also demeans other people's self worth). 

Now simply acting like you are better than everyone else might not make it true, but believing in it with all your heart definitely will.  After all it's not a lie...if you believe it.

Step 4: Tackle Drunk B****es-First let me clarify for all 2 of my female readers (my mom being one of them) that this is a movie quote/a code written in every man's DNA, not simply a chance for me to refer to women in a derogatory fashion.  So, if all you ladies out there have a problem with this, take it up with Judd Apatow...or God.  Whichever one is easier for you.

And there is a good reason for this.  Because, like a lion taking down a gazelle, men prey on the weakest women in the herd.  It's simply in our nature.  And despite the quote above, weakest doesn't necessarily mean drunk (but it can.  And remember guys there's nothing immoral about hooking up with drunk chicks...as long as you are drunk too).  "Weakest" can also refer to chicks who are lonely, self-lothing, have issues with their parents, have just broken up with their significant other, have recently suffered some sort of devastating loss in their lives (grief...nature's most powerful afrodisiac) or watch PBS for fun (which means all the previous descriptions probably apply to them as well).  The key fellas is to keep your head on a swivel, scout your target, and then go in for the kill. Just like a lion tackling a gazelle.  After all...that's what God intended.

Step 5: Lie-Who exactly is Sachary Poelker?  Well sometimes I'm a venture capitalist from Vermont who recently invested in a successful maple syrup start up.  Sometimes I'm a pimp from Oakland who can offer economic and emotional stability or a cowboy from Arizona who is only afraid of rattlesnakes and badass Navajo Indians.  And sometimes I'm the founder of the world's 7,300,293rd funniest/most viewed internet blog (oh shit...that last one is true).  It all depends on who I am talking to and what they want to hear.  Once again it's not a lie...because I always believe it.  Never been a truer statement in the history of man kind then that one right there...or something like that.

Step 6: Don't Wear Deodorant-Come on fellas, own your scent.  After all, Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deodorant and he seems to be doing alright.  Actually based on the second youtube video below, he recently had a 4 way with Will Arnett and the Olsen twins so...looks like he's doing better than just alright if you ask me.

Step 8: Did I Mention I Like to Dance?-Look if major motion pictures have taught me two things it's 1-Black people always die first when facing murderous attacks (unless they are Samuel L. Jackson fighting of a plane full of serpents) and 2-Dudes who can dance get all the chicks.  Why do you think that dude from Stomp the Yard is always cleaning up with the ladies?  Cause he's black? Naw...cause he can shake his tail-feather with the best of them (the two are clearly unrelated).  Now that I've made my point, just watch the youtube video below, hit the dance floor...and watch the females flock to you like a hungry bear smelling their menstration.

Step 9: Try Your Hardest not to watch The View-Guys who watch The View have emotions and feelings.  Guys who have emotions and feelings don't get chicks.  1+1=2.  All of these statements are equally as factual as the others.

Text Updates and Big Ups
My text messaging score since October 14th is an astronomical +478 (304-inbox, 251-sent, 125 from females), which is my highest score/most text from females ever...once again proving my slayin chicken heads method works.  Also my twitter score has shot up to 198 followers (at least 5 or 6 of which are females) so...that should be all the evidence you need that I know what the hell I am talking about.

However, in an unusual move, I am going to hold big ups for this week.  Something tells me I am going to accumulate quite a collection this weekend so...I'll save all my mentions for my next post.  Sorry everybody, but this might be telling you that...you got to step your game up. 

*I will extend thanks to Michael Kovach for introducing me to the "Did I Mention I Like to Dance Video"

Back next week with more writing that is too long/shitty for anyone to actually read in it's entirety.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"

 
 
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Dear Readers,
As many of you know the world of "amateur" athletics is quickly being exposed.  Players are selling their priceless athletic heirlooms for tribal band, calf tattoos.  Fathers are selling their sons into some sort of modern slavery that will eventually lead to horrible tortures like winning a National Championship, Heisman Trophy and becoming bffs with Warren Moon.  And now upright student-athletes who have always put their academics first, and attended a Harvard type university with absolutely no pattern of NCAA/criminal wrong doing, are caught up in the backhandedly corrupt dealings of sleezy athletic boosters.  I mean if the athletes who attend a school that has produced morally centered, Road Scholar finalists like Michael Irvin, Frank Gore and Enrique Iglesias can be lead onto the wrong path...then who can't?

The answer is, well, no one.  Corruption in college athletics has now shaken nationally renowned programs all over the nation, including the likes of USC, Ohio State, Oregon, LSU, North Carolina, Auburn, Carlton Liberal Arts College, Faber University, Bayside High School and now...even the U.  So the question becomes, where does the crookedness stop? Where does the integrity begin? And, perhaps most importantly, why is it illegal or morally questionable for 18-22 year-old college students to have free and easy access to cash, yachts, prostitutes and politically/religiously uncontroversial medical procedures?

I am here to tell you that little has changed in the billion dollar industry that is collegiate athletics.  Trust me...I know. You see I was a part of the fast paced world of big-time amateur athletics.  I had the glitz.  I had the glamor.  I had the fame.  I had the booze, the deep sea fishing and the high end call girls.  And now, I am here to tell you all about it.  Why you ask?  Because I want us to live in a world where reading at a 3rd grade level is a more important criteria for collegiate admissions than your 40 yard dash time or bench press max.  I want us to live in a world where novel prize winning physicists are more attractive to gold digging groupies than a power forward or a right guard.  And, most of all, I want us to live in a world where a young boy dreams about becoming a famous nerd who spends his Saturday night getting aroused to a Battlestar Galactica marathon on SciFi instead of hanging in free hotel suites and smanging free prostitutes/strippers.  Because learning...that's what higher education should be all about.  (Actually nothing I just wrote is true or what I want for our aspiring young people out there.  I'm really just trying to trick my parents into thinking they raised a responsible adult, but...we all know that's a lie.  SPORTS RULE, BOOKS DROOL!!!)

The Sack Tells All
As I mentioned earlier I have lived the life of a big man on campus superstar collegiate athlete.  In fact I have lived it hard. And, just in case all of you out there are having a hard time believing that the starting offensive tackle at Beloit College is subject to the same kind of temptations as his division 1 counterparts, let me just say that you are right...I was subject to much, much more.  Just attend a home football game and watch all the smokin hot coeds in #76 jerseys cheering for the slightly overweight and flat footed right tackle who gave up a mere 3 sacks a game during his 4 year collegiate career...and see if you believe me then.

And just to further prove my point about the corrupt cesspool that is Division 3 athletics let's take a look at the last program to receive the so called "death penalty" from the NCAA.  And the winner is...The MacMurray College Men's Tennis team.  That's right the NCAA came down so hard on the tiny division 3 school in Jacksonville, Illinois that it cut it's legs right out from under the college by "killing" their biggest revenue producing program (costing MacMurray literally 10's of dollars), and probably ruining the career of several future ATP tennis superstars in the process.  So now that I have proven just how blatant the cheating in even small college athletics can be, sit back and listen while I tell you the perks that big time athletes receive on an almost daily basis.

Money-We all know that division 1 athletes get paid.  They get tuition, room, board, books and life experience...which is really all anybody can ask for.  In reality it should be more than enough to keep them from taking a little bit of spending money from a booster right? I mean who cares if these guys can't afford to buy a couple of taquitos at their local 7-11, that's really just a luxury...for homeless people.  And since D1 college athletes all have a place to live, it really shouldn't matter to them anyways.  I mean would you rather have a dorm room or a taquito? A dorm room of course. So it seems to me D1 athletes are pretty well taken care of, well...at least compared to homeless people.

However D3 athletes, unlike their D1 counterparts, don't get scholarship money so...we are all looking for handouts.  Look I can personally say that I committed countless NCAA violations by accepting money or gifts during my tenure as a collegiate football player.  For example, every time my parents visited they would give me $20 for some pizza and a case of beer. And, since my parents donated tens of thousands of dollars to Beloit College every year for my tuition, they were certainly boosters of the program.  Now factor in that these boosters were not only giving me cash 8-10 times a year, but they were also non-directly giving me illegal benefits such as alcohol and food...and the NCAA has more than enough evidence to shut down not only the Beloit College Football program, but the academic institution as a whole.  Throw in the $10 Itunes gift card that Matt Kees' parents gave me for graduation...and I really don't know how anyone at Beloit still has a job.  We are really just scratching the surface of the problem too because, let me tell you, it goes much, much deeper. And you thought The U was involved in some serious shit.

Admissions-Like I said earlier I dream about the day when academic achievement outweighs athletic ability when it comes to D1 admissions...and that day has already come.  Each and every eligible athlete in D1 must have a cumulative high school GPA of 2.0 and an combined ACT composite score of 18 (or SAT score of 1200), which is no easy task.  So what if Forrest Gump qualified to play football at Alabama. Yeah he looked retarded, act retarded, had braces on his legs, but he was a war hero, football All-American, ping pong champion...that man ain't retarded.  So what if Derek Rose had the little Chinese kid (Short Round...see youtube video #1 below to see him get b***h slapped) from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom take the SAT for him.  Those tests are culturally biased in favor of Asian kids. And, since D-Rose was smart enough to know that...he was also smart enough to play D1 basketball.  That's just a stone cold fact.

But since there are no athletic scholarships in Division 3, the admissions standards are way more lax.  Take me for example.  I can barely read.  I can barely write (as this blog is clear evidence of). I referred to the "nobel" prize as the "novel" prize earlier in this post.  And I am so devoid of cultural knowledge that I think every European is a buret wearing, chain smoking, latte drinking, tight jean wearing, Godless egomaniac who has no respect for great American cultural figures like John Wayne, Hulk Hogan or Carrot Top (Oh wait, all of that is true? Maybe I am smarter than I thought? Yeah...probably not).  If you had to compare my level of intelligence to a Jim Carrey movie character I would fall just behind Lloyd Christmas and Ace Ventura...and just ahead of the guy he played in Mr. Popper's Penguins. And who do you think is smarter, the Chinese kid from the Temple of Doom or Jim Carrey's character in Mr. Popper's Penguins? Is that even a question?  And people think D1 schools are the ones with the problem? Come on.

Yachts/Boats-If this whole Miami football "scandal" has proven one thing, it's that if you play Division 1 sports then you will get 24/7 access to a yacht supplied with hookers, liquor and unlimited fishing lures.  And I am not talking about some sort of small time fishing liner that can fit 1 or 2 of your closest friends.  No, I am talking about a 100 foot, house on water that cruises through South Beach stocked with so many hot, Cuban chicks that you think you are shooting a Will Smith music video.  And honestly I don't have any problem with this, and the NCAA shouldn't either...unless they are pro-Castro and are racist against Cuban defectors.

So, now that we've established that the NCAA has a serious problem with Cubans, the question becomes...why haven't they policed yacht/boat use on the D3 level? I have seen numerous Beloit College athletes illegally hang out on the water.  For instance Tyler Isham, former "captain" of the Beloit College Golf team, has a boat on Lake Geneva.  And, while I have never set foot on it, I have sworn testimony from at least 3 other student-athletes who have.  Also, I personally am far from innocent in the whole boat/NCAA violation thing.  On a trip to my friends Joey and Charlie Schlafly's farm (no relation, although their families do split a nice timeshare in rural Missouri) we decided to do some fishing on their pond.  And I am sure there are facebook pictures of me rowing their boat the 2.5 feet into the center of the pond and throwing my line out into the water.  What's more egregious football players from the U recreating a classic Will Smith video or me rowing into a snake infested pond and catching a 1.32 pound trout? I gotta go with the latter. After all I didn't see Kellen Winslow Jr. or Vince Wolfork going home with any fish to mount on their wall...did I?

Bowls/Playoffs-Look I know that the BCS has nothing to do with NCAA rule breaking/violations.  With that being said does anyone else find it interesting that D1 College Football is the only level of any sport that doesn't decide it's champion through some sort of playoff/tournament/Mortal Kombat style series of fights to the death (Which, apparently is still how they decide basketball games in China...check out youtube video #2 if you don't believe me). That can't possibly be fair? Not letting teams decide who is the best on the field...what a bunch of BS right?

I wouldn't be so sure.  I played D3 football where there is a playoff, and trust me...it's not all it's cracked up to be.  My senior year our football team was 6-4, not nearly good enough to qualify for the playoffs...but more than good enough to play in a bowl game.  Do you realize how awesome it would have been to give up my Christmas vacation/time with my family, practice 15 more times on my 95 year old knees and sit through a 20.5 hour bus ride all to play in the Roswell, New Mexico...We Got Aliens Bitch (and a WB Series) Bowl in front of the 14 people in attendance and 1.25 (at least 1 midget figures in there) people watching world wide?  I mean it would have been like a dream come true...or something like that.

Hookers-Look hooking up with prostitutes is par for the course for NCAA athletes.  In fact I am pretty sure that Tim Tebow is one of only 5 Division 1 football players who hasn't inserted his penis into a hooker's naughty area (Although he has faked chow a hooker...I am pretty sure. By the way, the other four players who didn't insert their weiners into a prostitute's vagine are probably the only 4 homosexual football players in the history of the world...not that there's anything wrong with that).  Now you all are probably thinking "why do big time college football players need to sleep with call girls when they have thousands of 19-year old chicas who want to smang them in the hopes of secretly going off their birth control, getting pregnant, living off child support and never working for the rest of their lives?"  And the answer once again comes back to capitalism because, if you have to pay girls in order to hook up with them...then they must be better at it then girls who would just do it for free.

Now, prostitutes are certainly available to small college athletes as well.  In fact in many ways the cheaper, less physically attractive hookers offered at the D3 level are better options.  This is because 1-They are more appreciative of the business, therefore less likely to mock you if you have any sort of "performance issues," 2-They are unattractive enough that if they somehow get pregnant no one will ever believe that the father is the superstar o-lineman for the 3rd biggest D3 football program in Rock County, Wisconsin, 3-The cheap girls are usually more than a little overweight and, in my experience, it's the fat girls who will do more stuff...especially if you are willing to pay them, and 4-More than likely these hookers are homeless, which means they aren't even good enough at the world's oldest profession to make a living from it.  This also means that they are in the "hooking" field because they love it, and not for the money.  After all if the hooker's intentions are pure, then nothing bad can come from your interaction with them.  Yeah, that makes sense.

Abortions-No comment.

Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since August 12th is a robust +214 (150-inbox, 124-sent, 38 from females).  Once again my female score is soaring, which indicates that my foree into the discussion with the opposite sex world is working.  However my twitter score continues to plummet since I am sitting at 184 followers.  What happened to the famous Sack tweets that kept the world on the edge of its seat? Well those never existed so...I guess nothing.

I have a couple of Big Ups to extend in this edition of the blog.  First I'd like to thank all of the (2) females that have texted me this past week to make all of you believe that I may not be gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).  Second I'd like to thank Charles Kimball Schlafly for almost making my dreams come true this past Tuesday night...perhaps another time Chuck.  Finally I gotta give it up to the Chief Operating Officer of the St. Louis Rams Kevin Demoff for making sitting in a room full of women still surprisingly entertaining/worthwhile on Wednesday.

Back next week with a look at nothing particularly truthful/important.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
 
 
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Dear Readers,
As some of you may know, and I will discuss later, my economic situation has taken a drastic turn for the worse in my 3 months as a resident of Chicago.  However, my recent financial struggles do not mean that I don't have a plan to bounce back, get rich quick and live the American Dream.  In fact I have a million plans (like reviving the USFL or replacing Justin Timberlake and begin touring as a member of N'Sync 2), the only problem is...I have no time to execute them.  I am caught up in all these menial tasks, like eating 3 meals a day at McDonalds or watching TBS marathons of The Office and The King of Queens, that take up all of my time.  I mean do you have any idea how much time I waste logging onto twitter and live tweeting my life to keep everyone informed on my second to second going ons? Yeah if you're one of my 145 followers...you could probably ball park it.
  
But that's not the point.  The point is I need someone to handle these monotonous activities, so I can concentrate on the big picture ideas that will hopefully one day earn me a place on The Celebrity Apprentice.  What I am saying is I need an intern to handle my day-to-day duties so I can revive Sack Artists International (traded as SAI on the New York Stock Exchange), and return it to it's rightful place on top of the commercial world.  Please let me know if you are interested in this opportunity.  No I cannot pay you, or offer you any type of college credit, but I can change your life.  Working with a corporation consisting of a solitary man, working out of a corner of his brother's apartment, which may or may not contain a chicken is more worthwhile than anything else you can do.  Plus, with your help...we'll get that chicken! (p.s. if you don't get the Seinfeld reference then remove yourself from your pop culture cave and start watching some TBS every once and a while.)

The Sack Strikes It Rich
As I wrote earlier...my economic situation hasn't been the best lately.  In fact I was recently kicked out of my rat-infested apartment, which makes me the first person ever with a college degree who couldn't afford to be eaten by rodents as he sleeps on an air mattress.  In fact since becoming homeless it is crazy how my life has echoed the plot of the Will Smith film classic The Pursuit of Happiness. I have fought hobos for the last spot in line at the homeless shelter.  I have invested my life savings in order to sell irrelevant medical supplies.  I have even been forced to take sole custody of a small black child (see me teaching him how to read in the picture above) and slept in the bathroom of a Chicago El Stop.  I mean it's almost uncanny. 

However these similarities also mean that I will eventually find a way out of my financial hole and strike it rich.  But since movies differ from real life sometimes, I won't neccessarily become rich the exact same way Will Smith did in the film (although that's a possibility).  Let's take a look at some possible ways I will fulfill my destiny as a future millionaire/subject of a major motion picture.

1) Investment Banker-This would obviously be the scenario that most closely follows the film plot.  Also since I often go to job interviews without wearing a shirt and/or ride in cabs with rich dudes and solve their rubix cubes and/or show up at that same rich dude's house the next day so I can sit in his luxury box at the 49ers game...I kinda have a head start towards the Investment Banking career path (well according...).  Actually following this route is a strong possibility.  The only thing holding me back is the fear that Michael Douglas will get me involved in an insider trading scheme...after which I will end up as a drug-addict co-starring with a 10-year-old kid on a CBS sitcom (wait that's holding me back? It should be pushing me forward...since it is really living the dream).

2) Rapper/Actor/International Icon-This would be the scenario that most closely follows the life of the film's star, Will Smith.  In fact I recently wrote a rap song "Parents Just Don't Get It" that I hope will catapult me towards superstardom.  Also I auditioned for a the title role in the Karate Kid remake but I was passed over by Will Smith for his son, Jaden...despite beating him in our sparring contest.  Hollywood's just not fair sometimes I guess.

3) Mark Zuckerberg-It's really not that hard to become the next Mark Zuckerberg. All you have to do is 1-Be Jewish, 2-Have really curly hair (#'s 1 and 2 are clearly unrelated), 3-Go to Harvard, 4-Wear goofy sandals, 5-Screw over a pair of rich, good looking, closeted homosexual twins (that are really the same person), 6-Befriend Justin Timberlake, 7-Screw over your best friend of Latin descent, and 8-Be played by Jesse Eisenberg in the movie made about you.  Really not that hard at all.

4) Shrimpin Business-Lets just say I enlist in the army and meet a man named Bubba, who knows everything there is to know about the shrimpin business.  And Bubba becomes my best friend and starts teaching me about it.  And before Bubba and I enter the Vietnam War, we make a vow to run a shrimpin boat together.  Sadly Bubba dies in the war, but after I complete my journey around the world representing the army as America's great ping pong champion, I return home and fulfill my promise to Bubba.  I buy a shrimpin boat.  Initially business is tough, but then my 1 legged Army lieutenant comes to be my first mate.  Then we really catch a break. A terrible hurricane hits the Gulf Coast, but somehow our small boat (Jenny) is the only one to make it out of the storm unscathed.  Suddenly we are rakin in the shrimp and our company, BubbaGump Shrimp, is the largest shrimpin outfit in the world.  After the lieutenant invests our money into some sort of fruit based computer start up, I net worth exceeds 100 million dollars.  Actually this sounds like an incredibly original screenplay.  I think I'll just sell it...instead of doing all the leg work in the shrimpin industry.

5) Professional Athlete-You think this is a joke? If this was a joke...you'd be laughing. Do you think that you are laughing? I don't know if I am laughing because I can't see my own face...but I probably should be. Unless I get really, really good at bowling.

6) Drug Dealer-Name one drug dealer in feature films who is poor? Biggie Smalls in Notorious? Johnny Depp in Blow? Denzel Washington in American Gangster? All drug dealers are clearly rich, powerful and successful with hot wives (often of Latin descent).  I don't see why more people don't try it. Seems like no risk, all reward to me.

7) Prostitute-Remember in Catch Me if You Can when Leonardo DiCaprio (aka Gilbert Grape) pays Jennifer Garner like $1 million to have sex with him?  So what if the check was fake...that isn't the issue.  If you guys have learned one thing from this post it's that I look at events from movies and take them very, very, very literally when relating them to real life.  So if Jennifer Garner can get $1 million for a night of passion...with my good looks and charm I can get at least $1.5 mill.  No doubt about it.

8) Gold Thief-There is nothing more valuable than Gold.  There is also a huge stockpile of Gold in Iraq.  Me, George Clooney and Ice Cube are gonna go get it. Nothing can go wrong here.

9) Salesman-Everyone knows that are only four types of business, 1-Tourism, 2-Food Services, 3-Railroads and 4-Sales...and Hospitals/Manufacturing.  And I feel like #4 is the best/easiest way to make money given the choices. I mean hospitals are great investments. After all people get sick everyday, and in this country...they always have health insurance. 

10) Unemployed Winner-I feel like this is everything I want in life.  Getting paid to get hammered, overdoes on drugs, have sex with porn stars, be a bad father, and trademark 22 ridiculous "catch-phrases" which make no sense and have no redeeming value towards society...I mean what's not to like.  I just wish I had the stones to use my famous father's money to hire a hooker so I could lose my virginity at 15.  Duh...WINNING!

Text Update and Big Ups
My text messaging score since March 30 is +403 (263-inbox, 245-sent, 124 from females) which isn't too bad when considering that 2/3rds of the other homeless people at the shelter have Iphones, and I am the only one who has to use T9.  Also my twitter score has been fluctuating lately, but as of right now I am holding strong with 145 followers (down from my all-time high of 153.  Supposedly lost a total of 8 followers on Sunday for some reason? That makes no sense..I thought Christians can't use the internet on the Sabbath?)

Don't really have too many big ups to extend this week.  I guess I'd like to thank all my twitter followers and Sam Daivs (little brother of Joe) for being the only person to read the synopsis for my screen play (which if you read my facebook statuses you know will become a shot for shot remake of You, Me and Dupree).  I'd also gotta give props to my man D-Boy Flynn for coming up to Chicago a few weekends ago, going to the Bulls game with me, and staying out past 1 A.M. two nights in a row...that's a big step for him.

Below are a couple of youtube videos, including the latest music vid from the Lonley Island (brought to you by your boy Sam Bauman).  Yes Lonley Island is back in 2011...and I am loving every minute of it.  Also there is a video of Bob Wimmer, in his everyday clothes, getting beat up on the Subway. I hope you enjoy this sneak pick into the pain and struggles B-Wim deals with everyday.

Back next week with a look at my new and emerging screen play pitches.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"