As all of you should know, both because I've told you and you've been in a frat (assuming you're not socially awkward or homeless), drinking copious amounts of alcohol between the hours of 7 A.M. and 6 P.M. is just about the greatest thing you can ever do. It's the purest way to celebrate accomplishments in your own life, or to celebrate the spectacular things others have done such as ending Communism in real life (REAGAN!!!) or ending Communism on a movie screen (HARRISON!!!). It's the best way to live life as God intended: fat, drunk, stupid...and constantly making questionable moral decisions. It's what all great men do. It's who all great men are. And there's no question about it.
So, why isn't this culture of daylight drunkeness celebrated in our society like American Idol or Channing Tatum? How are college professor expected to prepare their students for the future if they aren't showing them how to slur their words and publicly urinate on the job? How do we expect to compete with China in the nuclear weapons race or Indonesia in the "getting 10-year-old children jobs making Air Jordans" sweepstakes if we are not drunk at work? If we let the daytime pass us by?
The answer is that we can't--can't teach men how to be boys or get the child labor force mobilized to fuel our economy--without being drunk. Ronald Reagan knew this, and so did Harrison Ford. That's why Russia pretty much doesn't exist anymore. That's why America is the guiding light for freedom and fairly distributed wealth and healthcare services in the world. Because our leaders were men (or women) who knew things.
Maybe one day we'll remember that again. Ronald Reagan and Harrison Ford may be dead...but they will never be forgotten. Because, as long as you spend all day getting drunk, then forgetting things...well that's impossible. I'm 94.37% sure on that one...
Day Drinking Builds Character
So now that we all know and understand why day drinking is an invaluable activity in our nation's quest to regain world supremacy, let's take a closer look at how day drinking turns boys into men, girls into women, and Lady Gaga into something the 80's versions of Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake will voluntarily have a 3-way with (6-balls, 3-weiners, and maybe a vagina...that's so hot right now).
Lesson #1: Day Drankin' Teaches How to Deal With Adversity-As I wrote in my adward winning post "Sack and the Binge Drinking Life Cycle" (which I will be reading at the DePaul University English Graduate Association Conference Friday. Seriously...I will) massive amounts of alcohol consumption builds character. Getting drunk and pushing through the hungover pain to not kill yourself while knowingly wasting your life at some dog end pet (or poor people) insurance job shows a lot of heart. That's pretty much a scientifically inarguable fact at this point, like all humans descending from Adam and Eve or all fruit being cursed because apple's are the reason that all people in the world aren't allowed to frolick around naked. You just have to accept all these things as being true, and live your life accordingly.
So if regular alcohol consumption already builds heart and character, what can day drankin' possibly add to the equation? Well it's this simple; if making your way through your kindergarten's production of "Lease" hungover builds intestinal fortitude, then (like with everything else) doing it drunk builds more. So drink up m'fers, and don't worry about work, driving your kids to school or passing the GED. Cause, if you can't do those things drunk...then what do they really mean anyway? Not a whole lot am I right?
Lesson #2: Day Drankin' Teaches Time Management Skills-What if I told you that most kids who fail out of community college don't do it because they are drunk and partying all the time, but because 1-They can't read, 2-They play Halo 24/7, 3-An associates degree doesn't matter when you are trying to emulate Terrence Howard's life story from Hustle and Flow or 4-No one fails out of community college? Do you see the terms "alcohol" or "drinking" anywhere in those possible explanations? Of course not...alcohol has never been the reason why anyone has ever failed to do anything.
But while day drankin' cannot be the reason for anyone's failure, it can be a significant cause for their success. After all if you can spend the daylight hours downing Jim Beam, and are still able to read and do arithmetic at the fourth grade level it takes to acquire a Chevy Chase level of education and romantic skills, then you know how to get things done...and you are going somewhere with your life. You're probably just not running a stable of hoes on the screets of Memphis or becoming a rap superstar...that's all.
Lesson #3: You Practice Like You Play-Let's take a look at all the great men in the world and how they become great. I mean how do you think Michael Jordan became the world's greatest athlete and worst-dressed famous person? By copious hours of practicing his basketball skills and shopping at Clown-thrift shops. How do you think Donald Trump became the world's most famous racist and firer of people? By questioning minorities birth places and firing his shoe shiners for being born in Jamaica. How do you think that black guy from 40-year-old virgin became famous? By tackling drunk b****es.
These men rose to the top of the heap and gained famed and superstardom by putting in the time, work, and effort away from the limelight to make themselves into the people that they wanted to become. So what does this have to do with day drankin'? Well, like these great men, we all need to practice like we play. We can't just expect to go out on a Saturday night, get hammed face, and impregnate Lindsay Lohan. We need to practice. That's what the daytime is for...learning how to be the kind of drunk person that you want to be. And, more importantly, learning how to succeed in life. Which brings me to my next point...
Lesson #4: All the Rich, Success, and Beautiful People Are Doing It-I'm sure that all you of you are familiar with the hit AMC television drama Mad Men, but if you aren't let me summarize all six-seasons of the show for you. This really good looking guy works at an advertising agency, cheats on his wife, divorces her, gets a new wife, apparently kills some woman after banging her in last week's episode, does little to no actual work (that I can see anyways) and still is a baller who is rich as F and pretty much runs NYC while getting blasted at work 6 days a week. So what is the important information in all of this, the real life lesson to be learned from the tale of Don Draper?
Easy, if you spend all day getting drunk and doing nothing, then you will get to live the American dream. You will become rich, famous, emotionally distant, unfaithful to gorgeous women who will still always love you, and most of all...you will eventually look like this guy. How do I know this is true? Because I saw it on TV. And TV never lies. Just look at that documentary Lost.
Lesson #5: If you're not Day Drankin'...Then There's No Joy in Your Life-Which brings us to our final, and most important, lesson. Now before I explain further, think back to some of your fondest memories during the day-time. Maybe it's taking a beautiful stroll next to the Lake, or taking your newborn child out for a picnic. Maybe it's a bike ride through the beautiful scenary of Flint, Michigan. Maybe it's that one time you beat those mentally-challenged kids in slow pitch softball, and taught them that they have to earn everything that they get in life. Whatever it is, close your eyes and picture that moment, when the sun was shining and everything seemed to be right in the world.
Now open your eyes and realize that that moment meant nothing...because you were sober. Know that you have wasted your life, that each and everyone of those moments paled in comparison to the time I went to Target hammered on a Tuesday afternoon and asked the stock boy where the "weiner" section was. Know that when you look back on those moments you won't remember the fun you had or the memories you created; you'll only be sad that you weren't standing at a Chase ATM borderline blacked out and trying to remember your pin and not to puke on your money all at the same time.
Know that a drunk morning and/or afternoon beats a sober one every time. Because, in the end, it's not what you are doing that matters...it's how good you felt when you were doing it. That's what day drankin' has taught me. And I hope one day each and every one of you will be lucky enough to learn the same thing.
Now go out there, buy the liquor or beer of your choice...and make a GD memory. And do it all while the spring sun is shining down on you. Then, and only then...you'll learn how to have meaning in your life. Yeah...I'm talking to you smart ass Willy Wonka.
Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score April 6 is a pathetic +106 (89-inbox, 73-sent, 1 from a female) which once again strongly indicates that 1-I have no friends, 2-I may be gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) and 3-I may be a gay guy who has no friends. However, on a positive note my Twitter popularity score is at an all-time high of 258 followers so, once again I either 1-Have no friends, 2-May be gay or 3-May be a gay guy who has no friends.
I don't really have my big ups to extend in this edition of the blog either. Although I will give some props to R. Kelly for taking time out of his busy day to explain to each and every one of us what the word "Echo" means (see youtube video below). God I wish he would pee on me. I mean, yeah...that is just a true statement at this point.
Back next week rockin' socks and suckin, eh...what? I don't even know what I'm saying right now.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"