As I am sure almost all of you know, growing up is for suckas. I mean who wants to pay bills, go to work, love and be responsible for other people, ever be sober, or start scheduling your Sunday around an in-depth look into poor people's lives on 60 Minutes? That's no way to live...unless you want your life to suck.
Which is why I have devoted so much of my time (like 34 minutes), energy (like 34 minutes worth), and resources ($9.99 every 2 years) to teach and every one of you how you can be forever young. Whether it's showing you how you can still be hammered drunk as a coke addicted 94-year-old, how you can outlive your parent's while saving on rent and squatting in their almost furnished basement, or how you can still enjoy the pleasure of touching naked ladies even when you are a parapeligic who hasn't gotten a stiffy in 13 years, the Sack has always stayed committed to one pure and untarnished life goal: break free from society's chains of grownupness, and never become the kind of quality, considerate person that he should or could be.
However, while I have shown all of you the ropes--provided you with a bulletproof life plan to prevent you from sucking--I am sure you are still somehow expecting more Oprah quality wisdom and expertise from me. I am sure you are expecting tangible proof that my advise is working, that you are not now, and never will become an informed citizen who discusses climate change and only drinks in moderation at dinner parties. That you are as God intended you: Young, Drunk, and not givin' an F about nothin.
Well ladies and gentleman, as God once said to Franklin Roosevelt...ask and you shall receive. Because that's just the kind of guy I am, here to help you never grow up even if you are the president who saved us all from the Great Depression.
How to Tell you are still Young
So, now that I've enthralled you all with my semi-sensical rant that seemed to randomly introduce historic political figures who don't correlate to what I am writing at all, let me provide you with something far more concrete. Let me tell you what specific signs to look for in your quest to ensure that you are still a young person even if you don't know how to work email or that White People have been gangsta rapping for years.
Sign #1: Your Parents Still Feel Entitled to Yell At You-This is the easiest way to tell that you still have not entered into the adult world yet. Look, everyone knows that once you are a grown up, then you are pretty much independent from your parents. They don't give you money. They don't pay for your gas. You have to hire your own lawyer to fight the inevitable pile of DUI's, Drunk and Disorderly, and Public Urination Tickets that you will accumulate once your wife leaves you for a guy who plays the Bass and doesn't realize that no one listens to music that features instruments anymore. Basically you are your own man (or woman) and your parents do not care about your life. They got their own estate tax issues to worry about.
However, as long as your mom and dad feel like they have the right to scream at you because you pay $9.95 a month for HBO yet have to ask them for money to turn on your heat, then you are right where you want to be. As long as you get angry phone calls because that $7.50 Chiptole burrito you put on the rents credit card is forcing them to put off retirement for another year, then you are in good shape. As long as you are a seemingly selfish SOB who is actually just acting out in kidness, to keep a sense of connection with your mother and father, then you are not a grown up. You are a child. And you may get an HBO sitcom made about your life. And it will be more awesome than you ever could have imagined. So I hear...
Sign #2: You Don't Understand Social Situations-You know what my least favorite part of the grown up world is? It pigeon holes you into understand what "appropriate" behavior is in certain situations. Before I explain further, think back to college, a time when getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the great triumph that is Kate Upton's Cat Daddy video was not only accepted, but encouraged. Now, think about what you did to commemorate that momentous moment in modern history just a few days ago? You prayed that your office didn't block the video (somehow deeming it as "porn" instead of "performance art"), and if they didn't, you watched it while hiding in your cubicle and pretending to call a 25-year-old with $0 in his savings account so you could offer him once in a lifetime deal on a Life Insurance policy that he can't afford and would support no one.
That's because the real-world tries to tell you what you can and cannot do with a never ending list of social rules. Don't show up to work drunk. Don't talk about abortions at dinner parties. Don't walk to Starbucks in your boxers. Know what I say to that? This is America God Damn it! So do what you want because you want to do it. That's happiness ladies and gentleman. And if the Starbucks barista happens to get a sneak peak of your goods...then so be it. That's the price we all pay for freedom.
Sign #3: You Go Suit Shopping in Sweatpants-This ties in closely with my last point. Look, if there is one thing I respect (or used to respect) about the adult world, it's the dress code. Suits are baller. They exude style. They exude confidence. They exude the fact that you are not homeless. In fact if I ever end up getting a real job I am going to wear a suit every day because 1-No one does that anymore unless you work at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car, and 2-If I ever get a job it will likely be in the pimp game.
However, my least favorite thing about suits is buying them. And no, that has nothing to do with the tailor feeling my in-seam (I like that actually...because there's nothing wrong with it). It has to do with the way you are judged as soon as you walk into the store. For instance, last Friday I went suit shopping in a pair of Jordan brand sweatpants, and the sales lady looked at me like I was from Eastern Europe or something, which is ridiculous. I am sure a lot of rich people wear sweatpants in public. I cannot think of any off the top of my head, but I am sure they exist. So yeah lady at Jos A. Bank, I'll take that $800 suit, and wear it while I'm riding the train around town for no particular reason other than to tell the world "Look at me, I got money but I still use public transportation." Because, no matter what, the Sack will always be a man of the people.
Sign #4: You Still Know Reading is For Dweebs-If 4 years of college, and 1.5 years of graduate school (in a literature program mind you) have taught me one thing, it's this...reading is, in almost every single case, a waste of time. I mean the good people of Pawnee, Indiana don't want to banish libraries from their town because they are a bunch of uncultured savages. They want to do it cause they know how to prioritize.
Now, I am not saying that being literate will not, possibly, help you to one day get a job or do well in school. There's at least a 50% chance that it will. However, reading a lot will also make you a dweeb, which in turn will make your life and your ability to "read" pretty unimportant pretty quick. Just take a second to look around you. I bet you'll see a TV, a movie theater, possibly some tobacco or illegal drugs. Each and every one of these things is a superior option to a book pointdexter. Live a little.
Sign #5: You Never Have Any Clue What Day of the Week It Is-Because, like I said in Sign #2, you are always drunk, (hopefully) don't have a job, and the Big Bang Theory is played 24/7 on every channel. So how are you suppose to tell the difference between a Saturday and a Tuesday? Between a Monday and a Friday? Between Easter and Thanksgiving and Victory over Japan Day?
Well, you aren't. This is how God intended it. After all, do you think Adam and Eve were worried about whether or not the Mentalist was on the night they ate that fruit and got all naked and freaky with Satan? No chance. They had the recording set on their DVR, which makes sense. That's just a good show.
Sign #6: You Get Your Hair Cut at Great Clips-You know who gets their hair cut at Great Clips? Former USFL owner Donald Trump. Former Vice-Presidential candidate and cheater on his cancer stricken wife John Edwards. This guy. Me. Anyone with no dignity. A lot of people who watch NasCar. John Molkovich. John Candy's ghost. John Belushi's ghost. Pretty much any famous John's ghost. Do I really have to keep selling you on this?
Sign #7: You Don't Own a Toaster-Now I know what all you grown ups out there are thinking. "What? No toaster? But it's physically impossible to eat bread or pop tarts without it?" And I cannot argue with that point. It seems logical. Every time I eat a burger on an non-toasted bun I feel like I am dying a little inside. But what do I know? I ain't a scientist Doc.
Sign #8: You Put Yourself in Ridiculous YouTube Video's Without Blurring Out Your Face-Just watch the video below, and you'll get it. You'll get it so hard.
Text Updates and Big Ups
I actually do not have a text update to give you, because I am not sure I got any in the past few week, but I can tell you that my Twitter popularity score has gotten up to 270 followers so...those porn robots must be really digging my tweets out doing stuff to, uh...myself lately.
Also I have one special edition of big ups in this week's post, and that goes out to me mane D-Boy Flynn who not only put the youtube video below on my wall, but did it for the express purpose of getting his name mentioned here, which shows me 2 things 1-D-Boy loves this blog and 2-D-Boy doesn't have a lot of social interaction in the outside world. Ha...talk about your backhanded compliments. Classic.
Anyways back next week with a possible message from our sponsor...the Bathmate HydroPump. I've never used it...and it shows.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"