As all of you know appearance is a big deal. After all we live in a cold, capitalist world where business men aren't all forced to wear drab, Soviet style flannel clothing to work (unless you're Al Borland, The Brawny Man, Paul Bunyan...or the shockingly high amount of young males who dress like them when they hit the bars on a Saturday night). This is why guys pack Men's Ware House and fight over designer suits, while women make constant treks to Bed, Bath and Beyond to make sure their bathrooms have extravagently woven, decorative shower mats. Because "loving the way you or your bathroom/kitchen look" is an important step towards becoming a success. It's how you get ahead in our society.
Which is why I don't understand many of the fashion choices made now a days. It seems to me like there is a whole lot of people out there who are really trying to hurt themselves and their standing in society by the way they dress or present themselves. I mean if you are wearing Chuck Taylors to the gym despite the fact that Nike has made at least 1,345,201 pairs of shoes that would have added 6 inches to Dr. J's vertical jump/stopped said Dr. from cheating on his wife and siring illegitimate children then...what the hell are you doing? If you aren't Mike Tyson or Stu from The Hangover and have something other than a gigantic penis tattooed on your face then...what the hell are you doing? And if you are currently wearing a graphic, Ed Hardy T-Shirt featuring diseased looking house cats bedazzled with rhinestones, hair gel and douche bag juice then...do I really have to ask you what the hell you are doing?
These are hardly the only fashion fopas that cause so many men and women out there to have deteriorating social statuses in our country. Instead these are just some of the most extreme examples, examples that can cause someone to be less desirable to a member of the opposite sex/potential employer than a psychotic, homeless crack head who thinks he is fighting crime while wearing his underwear outside his pants and a belt strapped around his forehead. But if you are a grown man who willingly crams his cock and balls into glitterized pants worn by a 7 year-old Dakota Fanning in Uptown Girls...then you might have the same problem. In fact, due to the way you are treating your naughty area, your problems are probably much, much worse. And that's just a God damn shame. Because, the sad truth is, you aren't hurting me or your rich parents or the capitalist country that you somehow despise despite it fighting for freedom and equality throughout the world. No, you are just hurting yourself. And I want you all to think about that for a second, before I tell all of you how, and why, you should rectify your situation.
Grow Up Denim Dan
And now we are getting to the crux of the problem...jeans. Look denim is fine when you are a young child and your parents are just looking for a cheap, easy way to keep you from exposing your used pull ups to your preschool class. But then again dropping a deuce in your pants (hence the need for the pull ups) and not knowing how to spell your name are fine at that stage in your life too. However once you graduate kindergarten, grade school, high school/get your GED and get a job at one of the hundreds of thriving Detroit-area GMC autoplants...suddenly pooping your Levis and spelling Joseph "Gazuf" aren't really socially acceptable anymore. Actually, that shit will get you laid off pretty f'in quick.
Yet adults cling to their jeans like they are their last link to the innocence of childhood. Look we all have to grow up sometime, and that often means feeling the pain of detaching ourselves from the things we grow out of. If you really need a childhood fix feel free to go home, sit in a corner, suck on a binki, clutch a torn up blanky and watch The Teletubbies. At least no one would would have to see that. But for now ditch the jeans, enter the big boy world and begin the slow, painful walk towards death known as the real world. And, just in case you don't believe that jeans really are the problem, I'm going to tell you why you need to move on...using some compelling evidence as always.
Jean Problem #1: They Aren't Formal-When's the last time you saw James Bond wearing jeans? Alright he's British so, bad example. Well, how about Batman? Fine the utility belt probably wouldn't fit around a pair of True Religions. Turns out maybe I didn't think this through. Or did I?
Of course I did, and here is my proof...the Canadians. Everyone knows that acceptable Canadian style is vastly different from ours here in America. This is never more obvious than when attending a Canadian wedding. See the terms "black tie" and "formal wear" mean vastly different things north of the border. In Canada these terms indicate that you should "drape yourself in denim" from head to toe...literally.
The Canadian tuxedo consists of jean pants, jean shirt, jean jacket, jean tie, and some sort of freshly stitched jean ski mask and matching pair of jean hockey gloves. That is what they wear to their weddings. That is what they wear to their high society debutante balls. That is what they wear to their Lowe's Speedway 500 Nascar parties. Basically what I am trying to say is that fashion just doesn't get any classier than jeans in Canada. And, since they've been our sworn enemy since they sided with the British in WWII...we will not, and cannot, accept their customs. That's why we cut our jeans into shorts and pair them with a wife beater, a trucker hat, pork chop sideburns and a fat lip of chewing tobacca when we watch our Nascar. Nothing classier than that.
Jean Problem #2: They Are For Poor People-Look learning that jeans are the glue that holds the Canadian tuxedo together should be more than enough information to prove this point. But, in case you are still suspicious, let me drive the nail in this argument's coffin right now. They sale the best jeans in the world at Wal Mart. Yeah I said it...Wrangler Jeans make the finest denim products on the face of the entire Earth.
Still don't believe me? Well isn't Brett Favre the spokesman for Wrangler Jeans? Yes, he is. That's right, the very same Brett Favre who's made over $122 million in his probably-still-not-quite-over-yet NFL career endorses Wranglers. And, since athletes and other famous people never endorse products that they don't actually use, it only stands to reason that Brett Favre really does wear an old, faded, $9.99 pair of Wrangler Jeans that he got from the Hattiesburg, MS Wal Mart 3 years ago. Now if a man who's made almost 1/8th a billion dollars playing football, and probably only spent 1/16th of a billion paying off all the women he has sent dong pics too, wears Wranglers than they must be the most stylish jeans on the market. After all if you have that kind of dough then you can afford to buy every sweatshop jean factory in Southeast Asia (and give every 9 year old worker there a 401K and a company Subararu), so you know which jeans are good. Look if the best jeans out there are sold for food stamps at your local Wal Mart...then jeans have to be for poor people. There is no possible argument with that point right there.
Jean Problem #3: Private Schools Hate Them-As I've written in several previous posts, this is America...where you get what you pay for. This concept applies to all areas of our society, including education. Look if something costs a lot of money then it's better than something else that doesn't. Public schools cost nothing. Private schools cost a butt load of chedda. Therefore Private Schools offer a vastly superior education, and are the places that any good parent that loves their children would send their kids. I am just telling the truth here so, if you mad about hearing this because you didn't get to go to private school, then you're not mad at me...you're mad at your dad.
And no self respecting private school allows their students to wear jeans, trust me...I know. Because I went to a private school who's annual tuition was more than the salary the school paid the faculty members. And one of the things I remember besides the jet packs, private golf course on the school grounds, and champagne and caviar lunches, is the dress code. Dress shoes, dress pants, a designer polo or buttoned down shirt (preferably with a gigantic logo on it to prove that your father has a white collar job) and usually some sort of scarf or ascot to dress the whole outfit up a little. That is what we wore day in and day out. There were no wrangler jeans. In fact there were scanners at the door that would detect any piece of clothing bought at Wal Mart, Target, Kohls, the Salvation Army or Goodwill so the offending student could be sent home before his peers verbally assaulted him so badly that he would inevitably end up running off into the woods crying.
So the question remains, what kind of example do you want to set for your children? Do you want them to learn that wearing Jeans is socially acceptable, therefore relegating them to a life spent in public school while crushing their hopes and dreams in the process? If so...more power to you. They aren't my kids. All I know is you didn't see the young wizards and witches at Hogwarts wearing jeans did you? No, they wore black robes. That, plus their magical ability, ensures that their lives will be a success, which is what you should want for your offspring isn't it? Yeah...I thought so.
Jean Problem #4: They Are For Phonies-In case you guys haven't figured this out with you, I often twist my words and logic around in order to prove a point and make my life seem somewhat worthwhile...and I'm going to do it again here. I know I just said that in America you get what you pay for, and if something (like private school) cost more money than something else (like public school) than it is inherently better. However in many ways I just said that because I went to private school, therefore making my life experience seem much more fulfilling while making many of yours seem much, much suckier (Your misery also makes me feel better about my life so...it's a win-win-win situation if you ask me).
Now let me contradict myself. Look we've already established that Wrangler Jeans are the best product on the denim market. That is an irrefutable fact at this point. However, as almost all of us know, they are not the most expensive. There are 7 Jeans, True Religions, Levis, Old Navys and all other sorts of high end, designer jeans that will cost you an arm and a leg...but why? What's the purpose? Basically you are paying premium price for an inferior product. In effect you are dressing chicken salad up as chicken shit (or something like that). Everyone of you out there that is wearing a pair of these fancy pants, high fangled jeans is basically lying to yourself. You might as well buy a superior product (Wrangler), dye the jeans a slightly darker shade of blue, put a different label on them and pay yourself hundreds of dollars for your self-created "high end" jeans. Look if there is one thing I've learned from this whole US debt ceiling debacle it's this...rich people are never at fault. That being said paying $600 for a pair of jeans that are really worth $5.43 on the open market doesn't make you rich...it makes you someone who is trying to convince society that they are rich. Rich people aren't wrong for shunning jeans, you are wrong for trying to pretend jeans are something rich people should be buying. Sorry to be so shitty about it and cut and dry, but that is the real deal. Now go out, get yourself a pair of dockers and enjoy life in upper society. After all, by buying the dockers...you've earned it.
Jean Problem #5: They Cause Fights-How many bar fights have you seen in your life? Now in how many of those bar fights are the participants wearing jeans? At least 90 or 95% right? Could that possibly be a coincidence?
No way holmes. People in khakis, corduroys or suit pants don't participate in bar fights. If some drunk guy is pissing us off we go out and find some Kimbo-Slice esque street fighter (usually wearing jeans) and pay him a ham sandwich to 1-Break into the guys house, 2-Beat the crap out of him, 3-Eventually get caught by the cops and charged with assault, 4-Take the rap and serve 3-21 years in state prison, and finally 5-Wait for the Heavyweight Champion of the World to be incarcerated in the same prison, then beat him in a prison sanctioned boxing match that the outside world will never see (If you don't get the Undisputed reference here...then you are not the Wesley Snipes fan you should be). This is how business is done in the upper rungs of society, and now that you are all wearing those dockers...it's a move you'll be pulling here shortly. No doubt about that. No doubt in my mind.
Jean Problem #6: Hilarious People Don't Wear Them-Let's take a look at all the funny people I know. Kosmo Kramer? Never wears jeans (besides that one time he gets stuck in them and can't get them off, which is hilarious...and just proves jeans are a joke). Larry David? Never wears jeans (although he does sport a cape every once in a while). Michael Scott? Wears a men's or women's suit every single day. C3P0? Wears khaki colored metal pants (which do a great job concealing his junk). I mean if you can prove me wrong by thinking of someone hilarious who wears jeans and then tweeting said person to me in the next 3 minutes...then I will offer a public apology on youtube. But if not then you all know what you need to do...and that's burn your Wranglers in the middle of Time's Square. I was going to say to burn them at Big Ben Tower in London (just touched down in London town!), but I didn't want to be held libel when you were attacked by a gang of rioting Red Coats (Too soon? Well I was actually making a Revolutionary War joke there so...too late if anything.)
Jean Problem #7: Getting Punched in the Jeans-This obviously ties in with the whole bar fight concept I introduced earlier. Just remember that when you are in one of these fights, people will aim their punches for your jeans, which hold the most precious gift God can biologically give you...your achilles tendon (get your heads out of the gutter). When I punch your jeans I like to imagine a face, the fly is the nose and the balls are the base...of the face (don't believe me? See youtube video #1 below). We won't stop till your jeans are 6 FEET DEEP!!! (By the way is there a visual out there that actually makes you WANT to wear jeans more than seeing those 2 semi disfigured/retarded dudes wearing cargo pants? Maybe seeing Jerry Stiller walking around with the zipper undone on his khakis, and the strap undone on his Bro/Manzere. See youtube video #2 and decide for yourself.).
Jean Problem #8: They Are Un-American-Real Americans are classy. Real Americans are rich. Real Americans are given an expensive education that will lead to an economically and spiritually successful life. Real Americans are 100% genuine, not phony. Real Americans hire grunts to give beatings to those that offend them without society seeing anything morally or legally wrong with it. Real Americans are funny. Real Americans don't get punched in their scrotum. And, perhaps most of all, Real Americans aren't Canadians. Wait did I just recite the Republican Party membership creed? Yes I did, and notice...there is no mention of jeans or denim anywhere in there.
Look I am no politician. I'm just a fella. I think beer should be cold, and boots should be dusty. I think 9/11 was bad and freedom...well that's just a little bit better. And I also think that jeans should be khakis because that's what Thomas Jefferson wore...and that's what he would have wanted.
Now say this last paragraph out loud. If that speech doesn't sell you on a jeans free America...then nothing ever will. And you probably don't have a soul.
Text Updates and Big Ups
My text messaging score since August 5th is a robust +195 (152-inbox, 123-sent, 24 from females) which represents my best showing with the ladies since I "acted" gay at the bar that one night and got texts from 45 different chicks who wanted my help picking out their new drapes...not that there's anything wrong with that. My twitter score continues to get slammed however. I am down all the way to a mere 185 followers. I don't know what to do about it except to keep being myself. After all...people have always liked me when I did that in the past.
I don't really have any big ups to extend in this edition of the post. I guess I gotta thank Jayboy Leonard for being the only person to give me any sort of feed back/support on my last post. Not to act like I have any human emotions, but sometimes it's nice to know that I still have friends in this crazy world.
Anyways back next week, hopefully with a post that will offend poor people/jean wears slightly less than this one.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"