As all of you surely know the holiday season is upon us. The time for stuffing, mistletoe, egg nog, giant Christmas trees, alcoholics who cannot bask in their loneliness and use booze as a true coping mechanism like a real man (The Sack) and thus suffer a devastating downward spiral into sucicidal depression, and pumpkin pie is finally here. So throw on your favorite religiously conservative Christmas sweater, try not to burn the shack you are living in down as you deep fry your holiday turkey, and celebrate back to back Holidays created by aliens and Christ. It just doesn't get any better than this.
But, as admittedly great as the Holiday season is, why does it get to hog all the glory? There's an entire year full of celebrations and festivals that get by passed as we patiently wait for the commemoration of Aliens visit to Cape Cod and the exact day on which Jesus Christ was born. And no, I am not talking about the semi-celebrated days for drinking amateurs (Halloween, New Year's Eve), drinking semi-professionals (Mardi Gras, St. Patrick's Day, Super Bowl Sunday, Yom Kippur), soldiers/workers/people who sign pieces of paper (Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July), minorities (Martin Luther King Day) or people who sail to the new world and enslaved minorities (Columbus Day).
No, I am talking about the days that are bypassed entirely in our society, as we trudge off to work or school or move from sleeping in our bed to napping on our couches without commemorating the special occasion in any way, shape or form. We are out there working hard for the man, when really we should be getting drunk, doing drugs, ordering hookers, eating at a Chinese buffet or whatever else it is that you might do to celebrate momentous occasions. So I say f work, occupy wall Street, and demand 12 to 15 more days of paid vacation. After all at this point...it's really the least those jerk business men could do.
So, now that we've all decided to stand up for our rights to celebrate the best holidays the world can offer us, let's take a look through the calender and highlight some particular favorites. And remember no matter how unconventional these days may sound, they are meant for us to celebrate. They are a true FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US.
National Child Labor and Popcorn Day (Jan 31st)-You know those stupid commercials where auto-mechanics and baby sitters get paid in gum to ensure that they will never be able to provide for their families or afford to pay off their student loans? Well now imagine that the workers in those commercials are children, and that they are getting paid in popcorn. Yeah, I think that's how our society should operate too. But the stupid political fat cats in Washington and Malaysia don't care about protecting children's rights. And that's the sad thing in all of this. The kids without popcorn and hard-labor employment are the real victims here.
Public Sleeping Day (Feb 29th)-Now it's only acceptable for people to randomly sleep in public once in every four years? What and people with narcolepsy don't suffer enough already? Where did human compassion go? Sometimes I don't know. I just don't know.
Jewel Day (March 13th)-Man it's easy to forget, but the singer Jewel really did have a lot of hits. And now every March 13th...we can remember.
Blame Somebody Else Day (April 13th)-This is also known as every other day of my life. Man, good thing I didn't write this shitty blog post and that the Russians forced us to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Looks like the Sack and America really are always right. Hot damn.
Leprechaun Day (May 13th)-I thought that this was St. Patrick's Day, but I guess I stand corrected. Besides any excuse to buy more Lucky Charms is fine by me. However, I still wonder if crack heads get to celebrate this too? After all, they are often confused for Leprechauns.
Smile Power Day (June 15th)-On Smile Power day, there is no money or modern medicine. We are all Christian Scientists, and tips are not accepted. Hope you don't have a devastating heart attack...or are a waiter/stripper.
Half Christmas (July 5th)-Yes technically June 25th is half Christmas, but not if you watch the TV show Workaholics. Can reindeer survive in the heat? Who knows...but Christmas sweaters and getting wasted certainly can.
National Spumont Day (Aug 21st)-I have no idea what "Spumont" is, so I am going to assume that it's, uh...man juice. And if cranking it out all day isn't a good enough reason to "get off" (get it? "get off." Haha puns are as vital to the blog industry as they are to the porn industry or the child hair care industry) of work...then I don't know what the f is.
National Cream Filled Donut Day (Sept 14th)-See my last entry...add a donut. Yes, we did in fact just combined fried pastries with the other great passion of my life. Jackpot!!
Ask a Stupid Question Day (Sept 28th)-Shouldn't this just be called Women Day? Oh wait...that's already national bad driver's day. Haha, I kid because I love. Or something like that. I'm not Daniel Tosh so...
White Cane Day (Oct 15)-I have no idea what this means...but I do know that it's racist.
Make Your Own Head Day (Nov 28th)-Is this possible? Didn't God already do this for us? God, I just realized that...this post is so f'in stupid.
Wear Brown Shoes Day (Dec 4th)-Well this holiday is reverse racist so...looks like this post is all even on the whole race thing after all. Thank God for that.
And there you have it boys and girls. 13 days that celebrate every race, color, gender, religion, creed and species of Irish midget. You can all thank me later. At least you should...especially if you end up doing the dirty with a donut.
Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since November 11th is +203 (169-inbox, 139-sent, 4 from females), which will only continue to drop due to the quality/offensiveness of this last post. Also my twitter score is at an all-time high of 206 followers but...I wouldn't expect that to continue for the exact same reasons.
I don't really have a whole lot of big ups to extend in this post. I gotta thank my boy JJ Leonard for his continue love and support (which will surely fade) and...well that's about it. Thanks dude.
See ya after my Turkey Day break with some post that hopefully will redeem me from my current status as a social pariah. But probably not. Now enjoy more of my bfff Nick Swardson's Pretend Time.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"