As surely all of you know...you can never go home again. Maybe this is why at the age of 8 Poelker men are sent out to fend for themselves in the wilderness until they eventually kill a gigantic wolf and return to their homeland as a king/incredibly cut up British actor (until they are killed while leading an army of 300 against the nation of Persia...but not before proving that even God kings do bleed). Well maybe that never actually happened, but neither does 2/3rds of this shit so...who the hell cares? The point is the same, once you leave home you can never came back. Well...unless it is Thanksgiving weekend or something.
And college works exactly the same way. After all when you're in college and you are drinking your body weight in $2 whiskey or making a mess in your shorts when you are grinding on some random person with ambiguous sexual organs or not reading ever...then it becomes your home. It becomes the place where you can feel safe, where you can feel at ease, where you can watch season four of The OC and somehow simultaneously laugh, cry and vomit all at the same time. Basically it becomes the place where you want to be, the place that makes all other places look like a federal pound me in the ass prison...or Cleveland.
But, as soon as you leave...it's like you were never there. You're younger friends move on to the next 21+ year old who can buy their affection with Malibu Rum. The chicks who shockingly let you touch them a collective 3 times in a 4 year span move on to another guy who can make them reevaluate their life from shame and depression the next morning. Even the homeless man who use to follow you around 24/7 and collect your used beer cans has moved on some other dude who can't notice that he smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food, because he smells the exact same way...just like you did.
It's true that you can never go home again. Unless you really want to. Then, in reality...you never really left.
College Alumni Life Cycle
The first edition of our "life cycle" series took a look at how old men could age gracefully while ignoring the people closest to them in order to be hammered drunk 24/7. The second edition will look at how old men can age gracefully while ignoring those closest to them in order to be hammered drunk 24/7...while visiting their respective colleges. Let's take a look at the "College Alumnus Life Cycle" while remembering that college was the best time of your lives...and it will only end if we allow it to.
The "I Can't Adjust to the Real World" Alumnus-I know I've said this before, but leaving college and entering real society is a lot like a young tiger pup leaving the zoo and entering the jungle. In other words, fresh college graduates have almost no training or experience for how to survive in the wild, and will probably be eaten and/or starve to death in their first 6 months. I mean, is it realistic to expect anyone to suddenly adjust their priorities from getting hammered and paying for pizza with their parent's credit cards to staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day and paying for Ramen Noodles and Jak's frozen turd pizza with their own money? Of course it isn't, but that's what happens in the real world. Well unless you keep the rent's Capital One card...then you still don't pay for shit.
Anyways these new alumni hate their lives so much that they are forced to retreat back into the college environment as much as humanly possible...maybe even 4 weekends in a row if they are unable to make new friends or take responsibility for any of their actions (like me). And while these alumni are mocked 24/7 for returning to their old stomping grounds, nothing has really changed for them. We still frat with the bros, pound motor oil flavored liquor, creep on wasted chicks at shitty rat infested house parties (don't blame these guys though, blame the code written in every man's DNA that says "tackle drunk bitches") and pass out wearing a shirt but no underwear on the main campus drag (bottomless, now we're cookin...with gas). After all we haven't changed...society has just tried to change us. And that is something we never will accept. Never.
The "Too Cool for School" Alumnus-Until now. Look, there comes a point and time however where each and every returning alumni starts to think that "college life" is beneath them. No one is quite sure what triggers this change either. For some it's finding professional success. For others it's entering a serious relationship with someone they found on eharmony who really, really loves cats. And for the weak minded it may be a forced stint in Alcoholics Anonymous, which has historically never accepted the perfect healthy lifestyle choices made by college students and/or Charlie Sheen.
Whatever the reason, these "too cool for school" snobs are a shell of their former selves. Yes they may come back to campus for a football game or two, but they always end up tailgating with old people. Yeah they may stop by the frat house for a quick brew or tour, but they always end up sleeping in hotel rooms instead of crashing bottomless outside the bars or sleeping next to the toilet in the frat castle's bathroom. Sure they may get hammered at the bars, but creeping on roofied co-eds at the house parties which represent the true collegiate experience? Forget about it. Somewhere along the way these once great champions had their spirits broken. It may happen to all of us at one point, but it's still a God damn shame. A God damn shame.
The "Young Family" Alumnus-You know the guys who bring their wives and young children with them to the frat palace for their trip back down memory lane? Look it's one thing to give the fam a quick tour of your old double on the third floor before sending them to the local Chucky Cheese with mommy while you get shit housed with the bros...it's a complete other thing to pass on the booze and brothers to go to Chucky Cheese with them, therefore putting your children's happiness over your own. Come on man, you're back at college. This is Old School not Daddy Day Care. Both great movies, but one is a little more fun to reenact as a 35 year old then the other. I'm just saying.
The "Just Divorced/Borderline Suicidal" Alumnus-Your middle-aged. Your recently got divorced because your wife just realized, after 10+ years of marriage, that you are incapable of expressing human emotion. You are buying don't kill yourself books for "a friend," but really reading them yourself. Your life is in shambles, and there is no way it can ever get better...right?
Wrong. It's time to relive your college glory. It's time to get hammered drunk every Tuesday-Monday. It's time to deep fry snickers bars at 4 in the morning. It's time to creep harder than ever on anything and everything walking through campus (notice the lack of gender distinction in that statement. See the end of youtube vid #1 below for clarification). It's time to bring home a hooker and have her die of a crack overdose while you are covered in blood that you vomited all over yourself. What, you say that last thing never happened in college, but instead it was the climax of the season premier of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (see youtube video #2 below)? Well who the hell cares...give it a try. After all, if it's good enough for Charlie Day...then it's got to be good enough for an old, divorced guy hanging around 19 year olds at a college campus too.
The "Living Through Your Son" Alumnus-Look all great men love to party. So if you are fortunate enough to have a son one day, then you better hope he loves to party too. So once your son reaches college don't forget to go up to campus and show him how it's done every once in a while. After all you need to be a role model. You're the boy's father...not Charles Barkley.
The "Bankrupt/Homeless" Alumnus-If Donald Trump taught me one thing, besides how to kill a viable alternative to the NFL or make Joan Rivers look like a competent celebrity business executive, it's that all great men eventually fall. I mean if The Donald can go bankrupt, then each and every one of us will at some point. That's a just a stone cold fact.
And while most of us will overcome this financial set back, just like The Donald did, some of us inevitably will not. For instance look at the homeless guy who gets drunk but drinking your left over beers, and whose lone source of income is turning in the cans of those very same beers for 3 cents a pop, that I referenced in the introduction. I bet you didn't know that he was a communications major who rushed in the fall of '68 and was a millionaire before he invested all his money in the search engine Northern Lights did you? And if he still has the cahones to get hammered drunk on his old college campus after the hand that life dealt him...then each and every one of us should too. Stone cold fact #2 right there.
The "Old, Senile and Rich" Alumnus-I'm talking about the super old, super senile elderly dudes that party harder than anyone else on this whole God damn list right here. Are these guys possibly racist like the senile, old judge in Curb Your Enthusiasm? Yeah, they could be. But they are also super rich. And they are buying up the campus bar because they subscribe to the Warren Buffet "if I leave any money to my children then I am just coddling them because I love them and want them to succeed in life" theory, which means they have to spend every cent they have before they die. Now I may hate senile racism, but I love booze. And I really, really love free booze. So is it worth sacrificing your integrity and listening to ignorance to drink for free for a night? Yeah it definitely is. No doubt about that one.
Text Update and Big Ups
My text messaging score since September 16th is a lackluster +199 (164-inbox, 134-sent, 5 from females). I know this represents a recently low point for me when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex, but oh well. As Justin Timberlake says "what goes around comes back around" or something like that. Also my twitter score is holding solid with 188 followers so, that's semi decent news for my life right now.
I have a couple big ups to extend in this post. First to Michael Kovach for sending me the first youtube video below...I thank you. Also to Mike, D-boy, Seal, Drewski, Dubs, Soup Can, AE, Lit Man, Hort, EDDIE BOYD, Silly DIlly Hess, my main man Dalt, my main main man Will Mack, and everyone else who helped inspire this post during my most recent trip back to the college life...props on that fellas. Finally to the man, the myth, the legend my man Tex...thanks for being a hero and an inspiration to an entire state that let George W. Bush own a professional baseball team.
Back next week with a look at a new and interesting Sack Artist Production.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"