As all of you should know, unless you cannot read/write/have a functional brain that can feel joy, college is the single greatest time of your life. You have no responsibilities. You have no commitments. Hopefully you only have 2 or 3 illegitimate children whose mother's (or father's) understand that spending $6.95 a day for a handle of Fleischman's Whiskey (the good stuff) takes precendent over paying child's support. Basically you have it made. Your life will never be this good again.
But, that doesn't mean you cannot revisit it. As I told each and every one of you earlier, a truly committed collegiate dream-maker/non-functioning alcoholic in regular society can prioritize his life in such a way where partying with undergrad frat stars and underage chicks can always be a focal point of his existence (here's look at you Roethlisberger). You may leave college behind, but you can always return the lifestyle. You just got to want it bad enough.
Now, this doesn't mean that your return to awesomeness will not be without its pitfalls. GDIs may chastise you for not being to able to move on in your life. Chicks may accidently mase you because they drunkenly confuse you with their abusive great-uncle. Through a process of self-realization you may wonder what the fact that you are able to drive 3 hours to get wasted at your old fraternity house on a Tuesday night says about your life.
Because in the end, at least in this environment, you are old. And old people, well--their life always kinda sucks. Just ask everyone who was stuck at Ben Stiller's nursing home in Happy Gilmore.
You're 24 now. So while your collegiate lifestyle may not be over...it will never be the same. All you can do is accept the pain, move on, and embrace the creepiness. That's what I tell myself every morning when I wake up.
Embrace the creepiness. Then turn on your laptop and open your Internet browser. I'm pretty sure you can all figure it out from here...
The Sack Knows--How to Tell When You Are Old as F
So now that I've made you all depressed by telling you your life is in shambles, then made you all grab some happy tissues by telling you how to use your laptop to put it all back together again, let me share some more life altering advice with y'all. Never take being the oldest, or most unattractive, person at a college party as an insult. It's always a compliment. Now let me tell you all how to recognize the signs of your age, so hopefully one day you'll be able to take your greatest weakness, turn it into a strength, and party your nuts off. After all you may be old...but you ain't dead. Remember that people. Always remember that...
Old as Dirt Sign #1: People Say it to Your Face-Look, there's no greater way to learn something about yourself than to have someone say it to face. After all, how do you think that I discovered that I was the funniest bearded guy since Galifianaks or the best looking guy who's name starts with the letters "Zac" this side of Efron? Do you think these are things I just imagined in my head, instead of widely shared opinions in the cultured world that are shared with me by my 250+ Twitter followers daily? Of course people have told me that stuff. I would never have an inflated opinion of myself.
So if while you are boogying the night away on the frat house dance floor, people are giving you weird looks or calling you a "slightly older Ulysess S. Grant" than 1-They know way too much about the physical appearance of 19th century presidents and 2-You are almost old enough to remember the first president Bush, which means you are virtually dead in their eyes. You might as well fall down, break your hip, and overdose on pain killers. Not because you wanna die or anything. Just because that sounds fun.
Old as Dirt Sign #2: People Don't Get Your Cultural References-Have you ever asked someone who their favorite Saved by the Bell character is only to hear them say that "they don't know what that is" and then instantly felt the urge to murder them for never learning the invaluable early 90's life-lessons that you did? Have you ever told someone to thrown on some N'Sync only to have them stare at you like the music video Bye-Bye-Bye didn't reshape their life forever? Has someone ever told you that the Ninja Turtles were gay (not that there's anything wrong with reptile homosexuality)?
The answer is almost certainly yes to all three of those questions. Now, does this mean that everyone who doesn't understand these cultural references deserves to slowly be tortured until they understand that Seinfeld is funny and that The Big Bang Theory is evil? Of course. But that's not the point. The point is that while these youngin's may have committed the almost indefensible crime of being born after Big WIllie Style came out, in a way when they were born almost isn't their fault.
After all I don't understand what my dad is talking about when he rambles on about The Beatles or the Rolling Stones (I mean who are these people) do I? Of course not. Most of that is probably due to the fact that that was an inferior culture, but still. Times change. People change. And if referring to the greatest mutant, reptile crime fighting force that the world has ever known as "gay" is cool now a days then, hey...that's stupid as shit. I don't understand these kids, and I never will.
Old as Dirty Sign #3: Your Body is Breaking Down-Ever single part of my body hurts all-day, everyday. My back, my knees, my toes, my fingers, my testicles, my butt-hole. Now some of this pain is certainly not due to natural aging, but instead my crazy, free-swinging lifestyle (bet you can't guess which ones). I understand and accept that. I live life in the fast lane, even though I have no money, job, women who will talk to me, or emotions.
However, some of this is also due to getting old. When I was in college I could eat an entire cherry pie and then go and walk 17 steps to class with no problem like some sort of physical freak. Now I can eat an entire cherry pie, walk to the bathroom, and collapse on the floor. True story. Where do you think I am laying right now...
Old as Dirt Sign #4: Viagra-There's no question that Viagra is the greatest drug ever invented. And yes, that includes those drugs that cured Magic Johnson of AIDS (what are they called again? Oh yeah...$100 bills). Because, while those drugs may have given him life...Viagra gave him the ability to enjoy Internet Porn. And isn't that what life is all about? Duh.
Anyways, one of the clearest way to tell that you're old as f is to not be able and get a boner while you're grinding on some fairly unattractive chick on the dance floor. When everyone is sneaking into the bathroom to take ecstasy or some sort of low-grade beaver tranquilizer, and you need to do it just to get a half-chub that no one will ever touch...then you know you are old. And when you put a scene where your son-in-law is forced to stab your weiner with a needle because you can't get your half-chub to go away in your screenplay...then you know you have made a terrible movie. You had me at hello De Niro. You lost me at "stick that needle into my dick Ben Stiller." You lost me forever.
Old as Dirt Sign #5: No one Else is Wearing Eddie Bauer-This is the Big Daddy...and the only way to know that you are truly older than everyone else is. Back when that Kurt Cobaine guy was doing drugs and smangin' hoes, Eddie Bauer cargo pants and flannels were the look. Now, not so much.
I mean I don't even know what Abercrombie and Fitch is. I thought they were a gun manufacturer who invented the concept of "product placement" by having Ernest Hemingway kill himself with one of their pistols. Yeah I've made this joke before. Yeah, no one got it the first time. Yeah...that makes me feel even older than I already did. Yeah...I'm gonna die a virgin, with no money, making Ernest Hemingway + Abercrombie jokes that no one gets while begging for change on a Guatemalan street corner. One day in the next 2.5 years...that will become my life. It's pretty much inevitable at this point.
Old as Dirt Sign #6: You Become a Laughing Stock-I guess I have always been old, because this has always been the case. However, just in case this blog isn't enough evidence for you...check out the YouTube video below. God, my life has about as much purpose as a, uh...something without a lot of purpose. A Hugh Grant movie or the French army or the WNBA? I don't know...I'm running out of Europeans and women to insult here.
Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since April 13 is a +139 (124-inbox, 109-sent, 0 from females), which, along with my strong attraction to former president Ulysess S. Grant, seems to indicate pretty strongly that I may be a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). My Twitter popularity score has also fallen off from an all-time high of 262 followers down to a measley 260 followers so...my life is clearly not going as well as you would think by reading about me and Amanda Bynes doing things in Us Weekly.
I don't really have a lot of big ups to extend in this edition of the blog either. I'd just like to thank my boy JJ for always standing by me, and the boys at the frat castle for making me feel old as shit. Also special thanks to my dude Silly Dilly Hess for making me a laughingstock in the YouTube video below. God...I need to move on with my life.
Back next week with some more shit about a different day where I will probably take a couple of shits.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"