As some of you may know, and I will discuss later, my economic situation has taken a drastic turn for the worse in my 3 months as a resident of Chicago. However, my recent financial struggles do not mean that I don't have a plan to bounce back, get rich quick and live the American Dream. In fact I have a million plans (like reviving the USFL or replacing Justin Timberlake and begin touring as a member of N'Sync 2), the only problem is...I have no time to execute them. I am caught up in all these menial tasks, like eating 3 meals a day at McDonalds or watching TBS marathons of The Office and The King of Queens, that take up all of my time. I mean do you have any idea how much time I waste logging onto twitter and live tweeting my life to keep everyone informed on my second to second going ons? Yeah if you're one of my 145 followers...you could probably ball park it.
But that's not the point. The point is I need someone to handle these monotonous activities, so I can concentrate on the big picture ideas that will hopefully one day earn me a place on The Celebrity Apprentice. What I am saying is I need an intern to handle my day-to-day duties so I can revive Sack Artists International (traded as SAI on the New York Stock Exchange), and return it to it's rightful place on top of the commercial world. Please let me know if you are interested in this opportunity. No I cannot pay you, or offer you any type of college credit, but I can change your life. Working with a corporation consisting of a solitary man, working out of a corner of his brother's apartment, which may or may not contain a chicken is more worthwhile than anything else you can do. Plus, with your help...we'll get that chicken! (p.s. if you don't get the Seinfeld reference then remove yourself from your pop culture cave and start watching some TBS every once and a while.)
The Sack Strikes It Rich
As I wrote earlier...my economic situation hasn't been the best lately. In fact I was recently kicked out of my rat-infested apartment, which makes me the first person ever with a college degree who couldn't afford to be eaten by rodents as he sleeps on an air mattress. In fact since becoming homeless it is crazy how my life has echoed the plot of the Will Smith film classic The Pursuit of Happiness. I have fought hobos for the last spot in line at the homeless shelter. I have invested my life savings in order to sell irrelevant medical supplies. I have even been forced to take sole custody of a small black child (see me teaching him how to read in the picture above) and slept in the bathroom of a Chicago El Stop. I mean it's almost uncanny.
However these similarities also mean that I will eventually find a way out of my financial hole and strike it rich. But since movies differ from real life sometimes, I won't neccessarily become rich the exact same way Will Smith did in the film (although that's a possibility). Let's take a look at some possible ways I will fulfill my destiny as a future millionaire/subject of a major motion picture.
1) Investment Banker-This would obviously be the scenario that most closely follows the film plot. Also since I often go to job interviews without wearing a shirt and/or ride in cabs with rich dudes and solve their rubix cubes and/or show up at that same rich dude's house the next day so I can sit in his luxury box at the 49ers game...I kinda have a head start towards the Investment Banking career path (well according...). Actually following this route is a strong possibility. The only thing holding me back is the fear that Michael Douglas will get me involved in an insider trading scheme...after which I will end up as a drug-addict co-starring with a 10-year-old kid on a CBS sitcom (wait that's holding me back? It should be pushing me forward...since it is really living the dream).
2) Rapper/Actor/International Icon-This would be the scenario that most closely follows the life of the film's star, Will Smith. In fact I recently wrote a rap song "Parents Just Don't Get It" that I hope will catapult me towards superstardom. Also I auditioned for a the title role in the Karate Kid remake but I was passed over by Will Smith for his son, Jaden...despite beating him in our sparring contest. Hollywood's just not fair sometimes I guess.
3) Mark Zuckerberg-It's really not that hard to become the next Mark Zuckerberg. All you have to do is 1-Be Jewish, 2-Have really curly hair (#'s 1 and 2 are clearly unrelated), 3-Go to Harvard, 4-Wear goofy sandals, 5-Screw over a pair of rich, good looking, closeted homosexual twins (that are really the same person), 6-Befriend Justin Timberlake, 7-Screw over your best friend of Latin descent, and 8-Be played by Jesse Eisenberg in the movie made about you. Really not that hard at all.
4) Shrimpin Business-Lets just say I enlist in the army and meet a man named Bubba, who knows everything there is to know about the shrimpin business. And Bubba becomes my best friend and starts teaching me about it. And before Bubba and I enter the Vietnam War, we make a vow to run a shrimpin boat together. Sadly Bubba dies in the war, but after I complete my journey around the world representing the army as America's great ping pong champion, I return home and fulfill my promise to Bubba. I buy a shrimpin boat. Initially business is tough, but then my 1 legged Army lieutenant comes to be my first mate. Then we really catch a break. A terrible hurricane hits the Gulf Coast, but somehow our small boat (Jenny) is the only one to make it out of the storm unscathed. Suddenly we are rakin in the shrimp and our company, BubbaGump Shrimp, is the largest shrimpin outfit in the world. After the lieutenant invests our money into some sort of fruit based computer start up, I net worth exceeds 100 million dollars. Actually this sounds like an incredibly original screenplay. I think I'll just sell it...instead of doing all the leg work in the shrimpin industry.
5) Professional Athlete-You think this is a joke? If this was a joke...you'd be laughing. Do you think that you are laughing? I don't know if I am laughing because I can't see my own face...but I probably should be. Unless I get really, really good at bowling.
6) Drug Dealer-Name one drug dealer in feature films who is poor? Biggie Smalls in Notorious? Johnny Depp in Blow? Denzel Washington in American Gangster? All drug dealers are clearly rich, powerful and successful with hot wives (often of Latin descent). I don't see why more people don't try it. Seems like no risk, all reward to me.
7) Prostitute-Remember in Catch Me if You Can when Leonardo DiCaprio (aka Gilbert Grape) pays Jennifer Garner like $1 million to have sex with him? So what if the check was fake...that isn't the issue. If you guys have learned one thing from this post it's that I look at events from movies and take them very, very, very literally when relating them to real life. So if Jennifer Garner can get $1 million for a night of passion...with my good looks and charm I can get at least $1.5 mill. No doubt about it.
8) Gold Thief-There is nothing more valuable than Gold. There is also a huge stockpile of Gold in Iraq. Me, George Clooney and Ice Cube are gonna go get it. Nothing can go wrong here.
9) Salesman-Everyone knows that are only four types of business, 1-Tourism, 2-Food Services, 3-Railroads and 4-Sales...and Hospitals/Manufacturing. And I feel like #4 is the best/easiest way to make money given the choices. I mean hospitals are great investments. After all people get sick everyday, and in this country...they always have health insurance.
10) Unemployed Winner-I feel like this is everything I want in life. Getting paid to get hammered, overdoes on drugs, have sex with porn stars, be a bad father, and trademark 22 ridiculous "catch-phrases" which make no sense and have no redeeming value towards society...I mean what's not to like. I just wish I had the stones to use my famous father's money to hire a hooker so I could lose my virginity at 15. Duh...WINNING!
Text Update and Big Ups
My text messaging score since March 30 is +403 (263-inbox, 245-sent, 124 from females) which isn't too bad when considering that 2/3rds of the other homeless people at the shelter have Iphones, and I am the only one who has to use T9. Also my twitter score has been fluctuating lately, but as of right now I am holding strong with 145 followers (down from my all-time high of 153. Supposedly lost a total of 8 followers on Sunday for some reason? That makes no sense..I thought Christians can't use the internet on the Sabbath?)
Don't really have too many big ups to extend this week. I guess I'd like to thank all my twitter followers and Sam Daivs (little brother of Joe) for being the only person to read the synopsis for my screen play (which if you read my facebook statuses you know will become a shot for shot remake of You, Me and Dupree). I'd also gotta give props to my man D-Boy Flynn for coming up to Chicago a few weekends ago, going to the Bulls game with me, and staying out past 1 A.M. two nights in a row...that's a big step for him.
Below are a couple of youtube videos, including the latest music vid from the Lonley Island (brought to you by your boy Sam Bauman). Yes Lonley Island is back in 2011...and I am loving every minute of it. Also there is a video of Bob Wimmer, in his everyday clothes, getting beat up on the Subway. I hope you enjoy this sneak pick into the pain and struggles B-Wim deals with everyday.
Back next week with a look at my new and emerging screen play pitches.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"