Thank you for returning to my site even after I proclaimed my sobriety in my last post. I know that is no easy task given the percentage (100%) of people who go from being awesome to sucking once they give up booze (or blow or heroin...just look at Lindsay Lohan or Robert Downey Jr.). However I am here to announce that I am once again on the wagon, or off the wagon, or whichever expressions allows me to get hammered drunk on the reg. I'm back to my old ways, which include guzzling beers by myself on a Tuesday night while watching the Adam Sandler comedy Grown Ups (and yes this movie can be blamed for me breaking my 2 days sober streak...you try watching it and not pounding liquor). I'm back to drinking Jim Beam and blacking out just long enough to forget my insensitive and politically incorrect tweets (yeah we'll stick with that excuse). Finally I'm back to inexcusably getting so shit housed that I piss my pants more often than Betty White on the set of The Proposal. Basically I'm back to being the same old crippling, Mel Gibson style, alcoholic Sack that you've all come to know and love...and I just hope you enjoy the ride.
Chicago St. Patty's Day vs. StL Mardi Gras
I once again put on my big boy drinking pants last Saturday, for the City of Chicago's St. Patrick's Day celebration. For those of you who don't know, St. Patty's day is a big deal in Chicago...it's the closest the Irish will ever get to Christmas. However, was it more epic than my Mardi Gras Saturday from the weekend before (which you can read about in my earlier post)? Let's find out by looking at the 7 categories that can turn a day/night drinking fest into an epic, blog worthy adventure.
Day Drinking-In St. Louis I was pounding Bud Lights by 8 A.M. and drinking screw drivers by 9:30. By 11:20 I was tweeting how drunk I was and daring someone to be more of a man than me. By 12 P.M. I had "accidently" entered my first gay bar and by 1 P.M. I had suffered my first black out. Add in my shotscapade with Brumm and my removal from McGurks by the St. Louis Police Department, and it was the kind of start that every day drinker dreams of.
However this is one area where St. Patty's Day can put up a fight. While I didn't start drinking quite so early, by 9 A.M. I was pounding Jameson Whiskey like a 1890's Irish immigrant. By 11:30 I was carrying a full mix drink into a Chicago cab (the first of many times I'd pull the stunt on the day). By 2 P.M. I was celebrating Harrison Barnes 40 point effort in the ACC tourney with more shots of Jamo and soft pretzels. By 5 P.M. I was pounding a double quarter pounder at McDonalds while thinking I was actually eating a Filet O' Fish. I kinda wish that mix up was the other way around...it woulda tasted a lot better. And while I never blacked out, me mistaking Beef for Fish is enough to give any level of drunkeness a decided edge. St. Patty's 1, Mardi Gras 0.
The Streets-At St. Louis Mardi Gras, when the weather is nice, the streets are king. You walk around hammered, having no idea where you are, hoping to run into some hot chick from high school who might recognize you as the creepy guy who took her to Junior Prom but was too nervous to talk to her the entire night. Now that you're hammered who knows...you might actually have a shot (she has to repay you for that prom invite sometime). However, this year didn't live up to the hype. The weather sucked, the crowd was relatively small, and my time on the streets was spent semi-blacked out (browned out if you will) walking around with a Police Escort. So St. Louis did kind of let me down here.
However, even though Mardi Gras disappointed in this aspect, it still blew St. Patty's Day out of the water. There was nothing in the Wrigleyville streets last Saturday. No beer vendors. No gyro sellers. Damn sure no STD riddled prostitutes. Nothing but the homeless people and rodents that make the city of Chicago so renowned for its cleanliness and economic prosperity. So, although Mardi Gras may have been a let down, this one was still no contest. St. Patty's 1, Mardi Gras 1.
The Bars-I have not traditionally spent St. Louis Mardi Gras (at least the day portion) at bars, but this year was a little different due to the terrible weather. I spent significant stretches of time in a gay bar, a Kansas bar, a bar where I was nearly arrested for having too much fun, and later a classy Suburban bar where I pissed my pants. Since the strip club and casino don't really count here (we'll get to these later) it looks like the StL Mardi Gras doesn't have much of a leg to stand on.
It's not like St. Patty's day was really all that better. In Chicago last Saturday I was in a bar that didn't show college basketball because there was an Ireland/Wales rugby match, a bar where I was one of the 3 best looking dudes (because there were only 3 people in there) and a bar where a whiskey and coke cost $9. Not a great bar scene Chi City...but enough to give you the edge here. St. Patty's 2, Mardi Gras 1.
The Rally-This is always where the story really gets interesting. Look...anybody can day drink. It's really not that hard. You set an alarm, get up and start pounding liquor. I mean monkeys have been doing this for millions of years. The real question is how do you recover. Do you go to bed at 6 P.M.? Or do you man up, party up (DMX dog!) and get as f'ed up as possible? This is the category that separates the men from the boys...and an epic day/night from a fun afternoon cocktail party.
The St. Louis Mardi Gras rally was unreal. I was passed out for an hour, maybe, before the party was jumping once again. Consider what happened after my rally. I started pounding whiskey. UNC won the ACC Title. I peed my pants. I took a walk through America's promiseland (aka East St. Louis). I went to 2 different strip clubs. I saw quality strippers riding a gigantic dildo. I won hundreds of dollars in a casino. And I peed my pants again. I mean come on...that is pretty much unbeatable. And, while we did rally from a 2 hour nap in Chicago, we could never regain the momentum due to the ridiculous drink prices, the unwillingness of anyone else to party all night, and me not having a lot of friends to begin with. This is the easiest (and most important) decision of them all, and St. Louis wins it more handily than a World Series trophy contest between the Cardinals and the Cubs. Mardi Gras 2, St. Patty's 2.
The Peak-There can (and should) be more than one peak in your drinking when you do it for 18 consecutive hours. This category is considering the drunkness peak (explanatory) and the funness peak (not a word...but you get what I'm saying) when deciding which event had the superior ceiling.
On Mardi Gras it could be argued that there were at least three drunkness peaks (1 P.M., 4 P.M., and 3 A.M.) and at least 2 funness peaks (3-4 P.M. and 11 P.M.-12 A.M.), so it's hard to even decide where the true peak is. I mean it is a lot like Michael Jordan's career...every year is so good you cannot really, 100% factually, decide when it was really at its best. For the purpose of this post, I will put the drunkness peak at my 4 P.M. explosion from McGurks and my funness peak during my time at Larry Flint's Hustler Club. I mean a police escort out of a bar paired with a hour plus spent at the world's greatest strip club (while watching Willy accost people with a gigantic dildo)? Can this be beaten?
Certainly not by my St. Patty's Day experience. Both my drunkness and my funness peak can easily be placed between 3-5 P.M. at Mullen's Bar. Was it fun hanging out at Mullen's with 3,000 Chicagoans dressed in green? Yeah. But I wasn't blacked out. I wasn't removed from the premises by the cops. And I sure as hell didn't get to see/touch any boobies (we'll get more on this later). So, no matter how you slice it...it ain't even close. Mardi Gras 3, St. Patty's 2.
Babes and Breasts-And this is where the boys become men. There are two questions that define every single moment of day drinking/street parting. 1-How hot were the chicks? and 2-How many boobs did you see? And you need both to secure a truly awesome party atmosphere. For instance when I went to that live taping of Jerry Springer I saw upwards of 40 boobs, from upwards of 20 woman who were less attractive than Roseanne Barr and/or Aunt Jemima so...that day probably wouldn't win this category (unless you are John Goodman).
And honestly it looked like StL Mardi Gras wasn't going to win here early in the day. The bad weather/inside bar nature of this year's event made the classic bead for breast drunken exchange much more difficult to pull off. In fact I didn't see one pair of breasts my entire time day drinking in Soulard. However, for those of you who read my last post (or this one), you know that the night included a trip to Larry Flint's Hustler Club. This was the Cadillac of strip clubs with girls whose bodies were compared to either "Softcore Porn Stars" or "Athletes." Either way you look at it, those are my two favorite groups of people so...it's a win-win-win (with me being the third winner and athletes and softcore porn stars being the first 2).
And there is no way Chicago St. Patty's Day can (or did) compete with that. I saw zero pairs of breasts, zero total breasts, and zero hot chicks who were not wearing some form of the color green. That will never compare to Randy Moss/Nicole Sheridan hybrid strippers...NEVER. Mardi Gras 4, St. Patty's Day 2.
The Finish-Hmm winning $100 in my favorite casino followed by riding in a cab listening to Willy give a UN lecture on African poverty while holding a strip-tested dildo vs. Angelas California Burrito...just barely going with the dildo here. Mardi Gras 5, St. Patty's Day 2.
Bonus Category: Ethnic Heritage-We know all the stereotypes about 19th and 20th century Irish immigrants. They are short. They have red hair. They can lead us to life-chaning pots of gold. And they eat a diet consisting of only Potatoes, Guiness and Lucky Charms. But they did inspire Boardwalk Empire, plus they are competing against the French so...an easy win for the Green Isle in this one. Mardi Gras 5, St. Patty's Day 3.
So there you have it. Chicago hung in there for a while, but in the end it was no match for the economic/partying behemoth that is St. Louis. But hey there is some good news for Chi City here, your St. Patty's day won three more games than the Cubs will ever take in the World Series so...congrats on that one.
Text Updates and Big Ups
Despite my severe text via tweet problem, my text messaging score since March 11 is still a robust +1625 (1080-inbox, 997-sent 458 from females). Also my twitter account has slowly but surely been blowing up (reaching a high of 136 followers till the 4 God related people made the rational decision and unfollowed me), so...I am becoming one of the most influential social networkers in the world.
I only have a couple of Big Ups to extend in this post. First to everyone who hung out with me on Mardi Gras or St. Patty's Day...mad props. Also to SI.com's Extra Mustard for helping me find this week's youtube video as well as the Australian dude in it who made everyday life just a little more hilarious.
Back soon with the insight of a Homeless Man.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"