As all of you should know, a once in a lifetime moment flashed before all of our eyes last night. You know what I am talking about. The kind of moment that forces you to remember where you were when it happened. The kind of moment that becomes so seared into your memory that it gets woven into your very fabric as a human being. The kind of moment that either makes you so elated that you go streaking through your neighborhood without feeling self-conscious because you're white and your penis is exposed on a February night, or so depressed that you come home and attempt to hang yourself from that rod in your closet with the only belt that you own without realizing that you weigh almost 300 pounds and your rotundness is capable of snapping the branch of a 1,000 year old redwood like it's a twig (not that this happened to me last night).
Basically I am talking about a moment that we will always remember, no matter how hard we try to forget. I am of course talking about Duke University win over the University of North Carolina on the basketball court last night. That's right ladies and gentleman, evil overcame good in their constant struggle for Tobacco Road supremacy. And it sucks. Not so much because of what happened, but because of how it went down.
But this post is not about sour grapes. It's not about UNC giving up a 10 point lead with 2 and a half minutes on the clock, or the likelihood that Tyler Zeller gets murder for putting the ball in his own basket like that Colombian soccer player did for scoring on his own goal. Hell, it's not even about my desire to choke Austin Rivers out with his retarded shooting sleeve and reprogram Kevin Garnett's artificial intelligent so that he now only aims his inappropriate cancer jokes towards his own head coach (and Austin's father).
No this post is about moments, seminal moments like the one last night. Because, for as long as I live, I will remember that moment when Austin River's hit that shot. I'll remember sitting at McGee's Tavern in stunned silence. I'll remember trying my damndest not to start blubbering like a gigantic, neck-bearded infant, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
But you all know that by now.
As I've said 19 times in the previous 5 paragraphs, last night was a seminal moment in my life. But it was hardly the first. There are more moments that get seared into your memory (like Duke's win last night) than you might think. They happen in sports (Tim Tebow completing a pass, a Cleveland sports team winning any athletic contest), politics (Every day Newt Gingrich isn't divorcing someone, people being racists by disagree with Obama), and even popular culture (Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts doing it Spider-Man style in The OC, driving all over New York City once you realized Julia Roberts was a hooker). Each one of us has our own moments, our own distinct memories. So let me share some of mine.
Moment #1: Dressing Up Like Barney For Halloween
Do you know how embarrassing it is to be the only Kindergartener who cannot spell learn to spell there own name? I do, and weeks of leaving my class to take "special reading lessons" during nap time broke my soul. Now, do you know how embarrassing it is to go to school as a 6-year-old retard dressed up as a gigantic purple dinosaur who kids are already calling "gay." Now do you know how embarrassing it is to soil your purple dinosaur suit because a kid roughly 1/16th your size asked the teacher whether certain reptiles in the room are born as homosexuals (not that there's anything wrong with that), or if environmental factors made them that way?
Yeah my kindergarten class was pretty advanced when it came to coming up with clever insults. And I didn't have a hardass teacher to put the other kids in their place so...yeah. Although I'm still a Barney fan so...take that for what you will.
Moment #2: Kid "X" Pissing Himself in My 4th Grade Class
I'll never forget what my teacher told the class after this happened. She said if we ever mentioned this to anyone outside who wasn't in the room even one time throughout the course of our entire lives that we would go to hell and/or her spirit would haunt us for the rest of our lives. And she was a nun so I was pretty scared...until she had some sort of nervous break down a few years later. Now I finally feel comfortable getting this news off my chest. But I will still never play with a weegie board as long as I live. Shit just typing "weegie board," scared the shit outta me. I've seen The Exorcist. (And yes both the student's and the teacher's names were not shared to protect their identities, which I think was a pretty nice move on my part. Looks like I am not going to hell after all).
Moment #3: Seeing the Bimp Pimpin' Music Video/Pretending It was Cooler than the Backstreet Boys
I'll never forget watching TRL when Big Pimpin' went to #1, and being so aroused by all the African-American women's cabooses/that weird dude dancing around in the horns. I'll also never forget pretending to be happy that someone had finally knocked off the Backstreet Boys, because only girls liked them. Did it matter that the Boys were my favorite band, or that me and my next door neighbor/co-best friend Sam spent every night singing along with their CD/pretending to be them (I was AJ which seems spot on...based on his future debilitating drug addiction), or that the Larger Than Life video made me want to move to outter space? Of course not. I was a man...and I was like 11.
Moment #4: Pearl Harbor
Look there's no question that Pearl Harbor was a momentous event in American history that had a significant impact on any person that was alive to see it. But I wasn't. Until Ben Affleck and Kate Beckinsale's unrequited love hit the big screen, and made me appreciate what it was like to be a true American hero. And people say Affleck can't act. Get real.
Moment #5: The Debut of Mountain Dew Code Red
You know how when you were a kid and you would drink Mountain Dew by the case even though you knew that the chemicals in the soft drink made your penis smaller? Yeah that really happens. Trust me I know.
But Mountain Dew Code Red? Same great taste, no resulting side effects that make chicks look at your junk and say "Really?" once they finally see you naked.
Moment #6: Looking at Paul Walker For the 1st Time
I don't care if you are gay, straight, transexual, bisexual, or that weird thing were the woman talks like a parrot and tickles you with a baloon. If you weren't popping a half chub when Pauly first hit it big on The Fast and the Furious...there is something wrong with you. That man is simple physical perfection.
Moment #7: Prom Night
You know how it's an American tradition to "score" on prom night? Thousands of teenages bring their prom dates to fancy hotels to do the dirty, maybe for the first time, and enjoy themselves for a few moments before realizing that there is an 99.5% chance that this will result in an unwanted pregency that will ruin their lives. Well that's exactly what I did, if you consider my right hand my date, my family's computer room a fancy hotel, and the inconvience of having to go to the bathroom and wash my hands an unwanted pregnancy that will ruin my life. All I can say is...thank God I had discovered porn trailers already. Or else this probably would have never happened to me.
Moment #8: Typing the word "Vouldermort"
There I finally did it. And nothing bad has ever happened to me...besides all the stuff I just wrote about. I think I spelled Vouldermort wrong anyways so, yeah...Looks like I'm still a pretty big pussy after all.
Text Update and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since February 3 is +386 (302-inbox, 238-sent, 20 from females), which means that I've received over 20 texts from at least 3 different chicks...none of whom want to have sex with me. However, my Twitter popularity score is still holding steady at 225 followers so...why doesn't anybody else wanna read the semi-offensive Internet comments I make? Shit.
Anyways I have a couple of Big Ups to extend in this edition of the blog. First to true fans Jayboy Leonard and Dboy Flynn keep on, well...keep truck. Also to my man Ace fresh from his trip to the Coov...I better get some kind of British Columbia t-shirt that does feature the Vancouver Canucks. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure, that there is other stuff up there.
Back next week with more thoughts on Mountain Dew, little penis, and texting pics of those penises to chicks.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"