As all of you should know, because you seen the film Hot Rod and find it hilarious because you aren't some "mature" douche who doesn't think the word "choad" is hysterical, all great men have mustaches. Or at least they did until Magnum P.I. went off the air and suddenly things changed. Now having a Tom Selleck esque mustache almost certainly makes you a pedophile, which I guess is frowned upon after that whole Penn State thing (too soon? RIP Joe Pa...and that's no joke homey). And it should be. After all if you are a kid...nothing is more dangerous than a big, fat, motherf*#$%ing pedophile.
So what are great men (like myself) to do now? If having a mustache means that we will almost certainly become a priest, bleached skinned pop star, or assistant collegiate athletic coach at an University in the Eastern United States...where are we suppose to turn? How do we show the world exactly how great we are without a patch of fur covering our upper lip? Grow out our ball fros until they merge with our chest pubes and turn into an irresistibly luscious V of fury sexual attractiveness? Yeah...that sounds about right.
Only it doesn't. Because if looking like Ron Jeremy makes you a pedophile now a days...then showing off your body hair at the local schoolyard certainly will as well. No, with this whole pedophile thing we great men are left with one option and one option only. We need to kick it old school, go big or go home, and follow some sort of other played cliche which has escaped me mind.
Basically we need to grow out our beards, and show the world our strength. All great men used to have mustaches...until they started touching little boys. Now all great men have beards (check the pic above if you don't believe me).
So hopefully you don't have a hormone disorder. And if you do, then growing out your ball fro may be a good idea...one way or another.
The Sack Tells you all about the Beardvantages
So now that I have convinced each and every one of you that having a beard is the only way to attain greatness and power in our society, let me go beyond looking at the beard as just a symbol of strength and sexual virility. You see, power beards have many practical functions as well, which will certainly support my argument and make it the best piece of logic you have heard since Atticus Finch got that black guy convicted of murder. Good lawyering there Gregory Peck, but just know...that dude's blood is on your hands.
Beardvantage #1: They provide warmth-Alright so I forgot to telling you something about having a beard. Growing a power beard will almost certainly make you homeless. But, according to several of my political sources on FOX News, being homeless means you have all the political/economic/sexual power in our nation today...which is the whole GD point of growing a beard in the first place. Besides growing a power neck-beard, moving into a tent city set up in some public park, not showering for six months, and protesting against Mormon millionaires who unfairly have to pay 13.9% of their $42,000,000 income in taxes is all the rage right now. It will even get you named as Time Magazine person of the year (trust me, the dude/chick in that pic is wearing a beard under that scarf thing covering their face).
Now that I've sold you all on becoming homeless, you have to think...what's the main thing that homeless people need? That's right...the ability to be warm. And nothing keeps your neck/the bottom portion of your face warm like some scraggly hairs that don't connect together in a particularly attractive way. Well maybe that scarf thing in the Time Magazine picture does, but...wearing that may or may not make you look like a fruit cake (not that there's anything wrong with that). Plus beards can keep other parts of your body warm. For instance I don't even wear gloves anymore (OK...I can't afford them). I just stick my hands inside of my power beard, and let the hair keep them warm. That's what I call killing too birds with one stone...or something like that.
Beardvantage #2: They Feed you-Once you are homeless another thing you will always desperately need is food. Sure sometimes you'll be able to sneak into a soup kitchen, or get an erection, stick it under your waistband (a la a handgun), and pretend that it is a gun so you can steal some dude's hot dog stand...but those opportunities are few and far between. However, you will always have the chance to stash food in your beard and save it for later. I mean at one point I had almost an entire ham in there and just walked around the city eating it whenever I was hungry...and it was always warm.
Currently I have closed to a year's supply of nacho cheese stash in my beard. That way if I am ever able to find a bag of tortilla chips in the dumpster and end up on a coach bus with Magic Johnson, James Worthy and Lamar Odom...I won't have to mug them with my boner and steal the Larry O'Brien trophy so I can make some nachos.
Beardvantage #3: The Chicks Dig It-And no I am not saying that girls will have sex with because of your power beard. For one they will be way to intimidate by your power/overall scent to get busy with you. For two you are homeless so you got no game, and would have to sneak into a Starbucks bathroom just to have a place to bang anyways. But, even without the whole sex thing, chicks will still be so curious about your facial hair that they will want to rub it, and probably pull on it, which is more action than I've gotten since well, uh...let's just say that is some action.
Beardvantage #4: Bum Fighting-Look once you are homeless, and our country is ravaged by starvation, you will have no recourse other then selling your body and getting AIDS...unless you can brawl. Fighting other bums for a crack rock wrapped in a bologna sandwich wrapped in a 3 dollar bill, is a time honored homeless tradition like no other...besides maybe alcoholism/drug addiction, mental illness, or stabbing people. And as Kimbo Slice taught us, homeless men with power beards can beat the shit outta other homeless men...and then suck at MMA. If you're living on the streets, and don't want AIDS...then is the only way to survive.
Beardvantage #5: Not Making Out with Drew Bledsoe-Not that there's anything wrong with this. In fact Drew Bledsoe is a very rich, successful and good looking man...the kinda guy we'd all be lucky to swap spit with. But, with that being said, if this is something that you are still somehow just not into, a beard is a must. Because, as we saw last Sunday, if you don't have a beard...Drew Bledsoe is going to make out with you. But, if you do have a beard...he will get nothing but nacho cheese. Besides, I'd only shave my beard for Tom Brady...if you know what I'm saying.
Beardvantage #6: Not Being a Racist-The greatest non-racist of all-time, aka Abraham Lincoln, had a beard. Therefore if you don't have a beard like Abraham Lincoln did...you are in favor of slavery. Can't argue with that logic...I don't think.
Beardvantage #7: Meeting Will Ferrell-As the youtube video below demonstrates, Will Ferrell clearly has a personal vendetta against beards. So, if you grow a beard, then Will Ferrell will track you down and cut it off in front of the 19 people watching on TBS. I've always wanted to meet Frank the Tank so...check out Conan on February 17th. I think I am on after the retarded guy from that movie Radio. Oh what's his name? Oh yeah...Radio.
The Only Beardisvantage: Extra Airport Security-Now I am not saying that all dudes with beards are terrorists. But I am also not saying that the FAA doesn't think that all dudes with beards are terrorists. Hope you like cavity searches. Hey...which airport do you think Drew Bledsoe works at?
Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since January 20th is +427 (346-inbox, 262-sent, 0 from females, 1 unreturned text). Now I am not going to say who the unreturned text message is from, but I will say that it may or may not be the person who is currently in possession of my frat cup...and is forcing me to drink Kool-Aide out of a generic glass like some f'in GDI. Also my Twitter popularity score has reached an all-time high of 223 followers so...wakin, bakin, poopin is quickly becoming a national phenomenom.
I do have a couple of editions of big ups to extend in this post as well. First to my man Ace for posting the Drew Bledsoe make out video on my Facebook wall, and concealing his boner while watching it live with me, you are my dude. Second to my homey Jayboy...thanks for the continued support/being the only person to read and enjoy my last post. You guys are the man...or men. Whatever makes more sense here.
Back next week with more of the same about less
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"