As I am sure all of you know, either through your own experiences or because you are one of the 7 people left who still watch NBC, Community Colleges are a weird place--like a public high school that charges tuition and can't decide if the AP credits they offer will ever be accepted at a real 4-year University. There are sports/athletes, but no one is sure if the games are really played. There are hot girls, but no one is sure that they are not holograms because there attractiveness has somehow not put them on a more successful life path. There are dorms, but if no one lives in them...then are there dorms? Seriously, I am unsure if there are dorms at Community Colleges or not. Little help? Anybody?
And there are professors that no one calls "Doctor," like a high school teacher who works at a college so it's OK that he's pretty creepy because all of his students are of age despite the fact that he doesn't have a PhD. Basically, community colleges are strange places, unlike anywhere else; filled with boys who are still trying to become men, girls who are still trying to become women, and intellectuals who are not smart enough to have a job that requires them to be called "intellectuals" by anyone who has at least obtained their associates degree. In the end Community Colleges are filled with people unsure of their place in the world. Filled with people like me.
But how did I get here? How did I end up lying about my ability to use adverbs in the correct places on my Curriculum Vitae in order to get a job that pays $449/year with no health insurance? Why aren't I bright enough to truly enter academia, to truly prove to the world that I am smart and successful and one day will be able to afford a Volkswagen?
Well because shit happens. In a few short weeks I will have a Masters Degree that will ensure that I am qualified to either 1-Teach Community College Writing or 2-Move to Canada and start illegally killing Black Bears and selling their pelts on Craig's List. Those are my only two options, and as usual...I am pretty non-committal here.
But I don't have a passport so...looks like I am f'ed. Good bye sweet Black Bears. Sorry I was planning on killing you by the way. My bad. I'll choose to blame higher education.
How to Become a CC Prof/Stupid "Intellectual"
So, now that I've given you all a little background on my Community College knowledge based almost exclusively on a fictional sitcom featuring the old loser from Vegas Vacation--who sucks at rock, paper, scissors--let's more fully investigate how I got here. What happened in my life to lead me to this point? Were there exterior factors that pushed me here? Why can't I just sell used cars and wear plaid blazers like I always dreamed about as a child? I had a dream. I can't reach it. Someone else is gonna have to move those Chrysler conversion vans now.
Step 1: Learn How to Read-We all know that I hate reading as much, if not more, than the next guy (more on this shortly), but there is still no question that when one is attempting to become a true intellectual, knowing your ABCs is important. Just look at past intellectual geniuses. Albert Einstein could almost certainly read. Mozart could read...music. Dan Marino could read--defenses. One cannot argue that the ability to read is a significant skill in our quest to become intellectually enlightened.
Significant even for those without the power of sight. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles and Cyclopse from the X-Men comics may not be able to see/open their eyes, but they has mastered the skill of reading. After all, when reading is done right, we are not doing it with our eyes...we are doing it with our hearts. By the way, write that down. That was pure poetry right there.
Step 2: Hate Reading-This is where true intellectuals start to separate themselves from the stupid ones. True intellectuals bury themselves in books, learning everything that they can and misguidedly thinking that being things like "smart" or "well read" will lead to success in life. Stupid intellectuals realize (as I wrote a few weeks ago) that the world is full of cool things like guns and needles and non-lethal hepatitis. We realize that life is for living, not reading.
Which is why we ban Catcher in the Rye because of its graphic language, or Harry Potter because we know that Jesus would never allow the world's most famous wizard to become best friends with a ginger, or War and Peace because it's set in the most villainous place on Earth--Russia. Us stupid intellectuals really just hate to read. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Wasn't that the lesson we all learned from that painful Seinfeld finale in the first place?
Step 3: Look Like You Understand Things-This is perhaps the best advice one can receive while being bred for stupid intellecutality. The one rule of being smart is understanding everything, at least in your own mind, so no one that you are never confused, befuddled, or down right dumber than a dummy/Kathy Bates' character on The Office. The one rule of faking to be smart is acting like you understand everything so even though you are always confused, befuddled, or Kathy Bates style dumb, everyone thinks you know what is going on.
How do you do this? Nod your head a lot. Say profound things like "good point Chet," or "I agree with Donovan" or "I think Nickelodeon is using SpongeBob as a symbol to teach children that Jesus may have been a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that. Me, Barrack Obama, and Jay-Z can all apparently agree on that. No sarcasm)" Raise your hand right after someone else is called on, then when they are done talking say "that's exactly what I was thinking" (or if the person is a notorious moron say "I strongly disagree with every single thing Skip Bayless just said"). Do whatever it takes. Just never admit that you don't know what the hell "Taiwan" or "Economics" is. People will crucify you for that.
Step 4: Act Like You Are Mad About Stuff-If there is one defining trait that starts to manifest itself in each and every true intellectual around the time they begin college, it's they are never happy about anything. Who cares if a capitalist society allowed my parents to join a country club and buy me all these fancy sweater vests, Communism is a more equitable and fair political/economic system that better serves all of its citizens (see Europe, Eastern). Who cares if football is the coolest thing in the world and 80,000 people are willing to attend games every weekend and pump millions of dollars into my University, sending the message that competition and being social is more important than studying the history of Portugese paintings is not what higher education is about. Who cares if McDonald's is delicious, cows have feelings too.
Intellectuals are so smart, their minds are so filled with knowledge, that they will never accept the status quo. So stupid intellectuals need to act like we won't either. We need to act like we know how to fix the world, even if we can't figure out how not to overcook or chicken breasts on our George Foreman grill. Oh by the way...stupid intellectuals use double negatives too. Boo-Yah.
Step 5: Treat Graduate School Like a 2-6 Year Caribbean Cruise-The only thing easier than college is graduate school. It does not matter if one attends a superior institution of learning such as Harvard, Oxford, or DePaul University--this remains an essential truth in academic life. Everyone gets A's. Professors know that most the work they assign will not be completed. Being a 25-year-old who still thinks he is 16 goes unnoticed. It's awesome.
Or at least it can be. Like with your undergraduate education, in graduate school you get out of it what you put into it. So, while true intellectuals might be reading, studying, learning, writing thesis/dissertations, setting themselves up for lucrative jobs/sweet teaching gigs, traveling the world, and meeting their future overweight wives that show that they really aren't "shallow," us fake intellectuals do nothing. And why should we? We're in graduate school, so everyone already thinks we know what's up. So keep the whiskey flowing, hit the bars, and treat your student loans like it is free money from the government that you will never have to pay back. And when people tell you they don't own a TV because they spend all their time reading about something happening to someone somewhere in Honduras, tell them you pay $9.99 a month for HBO. Be confident that you are the one who has your priorities straight.
Step 6: Hope Your Future Employer Never Reads This-Most intellectuals (and people in general) don't get sarcasm. Most people in general (and intellectuals) are insulted when you gone on a 2,000+ word rant mocking the institution that they work for. Most 24-year-old dudes who publish corny and played jokes on the internet are destined to be forever unemployed, which is why we grow beards and wear sweatpants with noticeable ketchup stains around the crotch in public.
Step 7: Never Learn How Footnotes Work-Do you really know what footnotes are? I've been going to school for 21+ years and I have used a total of 3. Two of which cited Wikipedia. One cited Perez Hilton. What, those aren't scholarly sources?
Step 8: Post 2-Second Videos of Small Asian Men From Semi-Canceled Yet Hilarious NBC Sitcoms in This Blog Post-Check below. Done and done.
Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since May 11 is +222 (202-inbox, 180-sent, 0 from females), which once again says a lot about how chafed my hands are right now. Uh...what? Anyways my Twitter popularity score is also at an all-time high of 285 followers so...I am clearly more popular on computers than I am in real life.
I don't real have any big ups to extend in this edition of the blog...besides to myself for not really being funny or good at writing stuff. Way to go.
Back next week with recycled jokes about NBC sitcoms that no one watches. That's right ladies and gentleman...it's time for a Whitney Cummings blog.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"