As many of you may know, this past Saturday was suppose to be the day of reckoning. However, the rapture (or raptors if you are in Toronto) came and went, with no harm being done...or did it? Think about what really has happened in the past week. The Miami Heat are heading to the NBA finals. Oprah is leaving television, and possibly American culture, for ever. And now...two of our nation's greatest icons pass away, each leaving us with gigantic holes in our heart.
If you've ever eaten a Slim Jim, or had one garnish your Bloody Mary, then you know how much Macho Man Randy Savage meant to society. You know how he dazzled crowds, brought the first super hot playboy bunny to the WWF, made the elbow drop one of my favorite moves to pull when jumping off the frame of my parents bed and crushing my little brother, and inspired Bill Simmons to become the first virgin millionaire journalist in history (see Simmons column on Macho Man at espn.com). But Macho Man wasn't the only societal game changer to pass from the pop culture world recently. That's right I am talking about Cali Swag District rapper M-Bone, who was shot and killed a week ago at the ripe age of 22. Now you may be saying the only group of pseudo-celebrities with more occasions of premature deaths than wrestlers are rappers, but you still can't deny the trend. I mean the man who sold America on saturated beef jerky and the rapper who made the "The Dougie" the coolest dance phenom since "The Berney" dying in the same week? This makes the Mother Theresa and Princess Diana death week seem like Spring Break in Panama City.
And it can't be a coincidence. During this entire "world is ending on Saturday so I am gonna tweet about it" period, my roommate informed me of something we failed to consider. Saturday wasn't necessarily the end of the world, but it was the beginning of the end. No Macho Man. No M-Bone. No Michael Scott. No Oprah. Foot-long Chicken breasts subs costing $5.50 instead of $5 even at many Chicago Subway locations. I could go on and on, the evidence of the apocalypse is everywhere. So sit tight America and wait for the anti-Christ to come and end everything. At least we will get the chance to see The Hangover 2 before it's all over. And hopefully God will have Hulk Hogan and that 4 year-old doing the Berney in that youtube video join Macho and M-Bone. After all...I think they've earned it.
I know I promised you all a look at The Hangover 2, but since Zach Galifianakis stood me up after inviting me to be his date at the premier...I am going to have to wait till Thursday to see it just like everybody else. So, since I know you all can't even dream of going a week without some insight into my mind--I've decided to share my class notes from Monday. These notes were taken during a English and language style lecture on a writer who may or may not be a dead, female, lesbian that lived in Texas during the Alamo (literally I have no idea if any of that is true). Lets take a look.
-It was perfectly fine for my grandfather to drive me to school, despite that fact that he pooped himself every 5 minutes and couldn't go 30 seconds without taking a giant pull from his oxygen tank...yet it's illegal for me to have 3.5 beers and drive 4 blocks to get some McDonald's on a Sunday night? Yeah...that makes a lot of sense.
-Was Doogie Howser (the character) gay (like the actor who played him), straight, or just sexually aroused by medicine? I mean he spent his entire adolescence in a hospital...so that's got to be a legitimate question.
-Does liking Beyonce's "Who Runs the Wold? Girls!" song make me a lesbian..or just a raging feminist?
-What offends you more Joakim Noah's gay slur...or his face?
-Is taking a 9 lbs. shit the male equivalent to birthing a gigantic baby?
-Listening to a British rapper has got to be a lot like listening to Lil' Wayne at a tea party with the Royal Family. At least once he passed around the syzzurrup and eventually had sex with Kate Middleton.
-What do I really want to learn in grad school? How to blow shit up with my mind. Let's start with my professor's head. I focus intensely, staring deep into his eyes.
-If they make a 4th Godfather movie, and have Paul Walker play Michael Corleone's son...movies as we know them would cease to exist.
-Forget about having sex. All I want to do is hold a girl's hand, take her to Home Depot to shop for flooring and then head to KFC where she can watch me eat a 10-piece bucket. That's true love...and the lyrics for Train's next hit song.
-I am all alone in the classroom and have access to wireless internet. This just gave me an idea for McCauley Culkin's next hit film...Home Alone 4: It's A Lot More Fun Now That I'm Finally Old Enough to Masturbate.
-Did all the performance enhancing drugs Lance Armstrong allegedly took help him grow his testicle back? Probably not...which means he was still at a 50% disadvantage.
-Why don't they show Will Smith's music videos on Nickelodeon?
-How old do you have to be before people just accept that you are going to pick your nose in public?
-It's not gay...when it's in a 3 way!! But what if it's a 4-way where Lady Gaga brings both the third weiner and the only vagina to the party? Bet you didn't think about that Andy Samberg (see youtube video below).
-Did the Japanese confuse Russell Brand for Gilbert Gottfried when they kicked him out of the country? I bet all famous people look the same to them.
-Is the love child Arnold Schwarzenegger supposedly had with his mistress really the baby he gave birth to in Twins? And if so...where the hell is Danny DeVito's?
-Who's more famous, the pitbulls Michael Vick fought...or Pitbull the rapper?
-Sadly wrestlers die too soon. Happily Shawn Michaels doesn't count. HBK will live forever...SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!!!
And that's it. Sick.
Text Update and Big Ups
My text messaging score is currently sitting at a +449 (332-inbox, 262-sent, 57 from females) which represents the demographics of a guy who only wants to have a female watch him devour a semi-live chicken at the local KFC. However, with a 168 followers my twitter account is blowing up faster than the rise and fall of M-Bone himself. Also I would like to introduce a new segment to the text update, which is the ridiculous text of the week. This week's winner was something I sent at 12:49 AM last night...and it should tell you everything you need to know about how hard I party on Wednesdays. I randomly texted "No offense...just gotta piss" to someone I hadn't spoken to all day with absolutely no context. Hopefully I was actually pissing at the time.
I don't have a whole lot of big ups to extend in this crappy post, but I will say way to go to Joey Schlafly and the fellas for helping me have a little Sunday Funday this past weekend and to Zakk Tapp for sending hilariously, borderline racist, Irish inspired texts to me. They really brighten up my morning.
Back next week, I promise with a look at The Hangover 2.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
As some of you may have know I have been making great leaps and bounds in the world of technology lately, the most obvious of which is having owning/operating/contributing half the hits to this internet behemoth. However, this is far from the only foray into new, world-changing technology I have made recently. Of course you all know about my twitter account that is turning the internet (and the lives of my 154 followers) upside down. Of course you all also know about my partnership with Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, the computer nerd from Die Hard 5, and my man Ace on the new Drunk Type App available for Iphones, Droids and the hot new Razor. And of course you all are ready for my new social networking site, FriendSpace (long awaited merger between Friendster and MySpace) that will make The Social Network just another movie about Jewish people.
But, on top of all of this, I have recently made perhaps my most significant technological update...I have bought a smart phone. What kind of smart phone you ask? Well honestly...I'm not sure. But I am sure of this 1-It's not an Iphin, 2-It's some kind of droid and 3-It's called either the "Inspire," "Perspire" or "Ronco Rotisseries Set it and Forget It Platinum Roaster 3000." Anyways this thing can do wonders. It can get email. It can get porn. It can get Lonley Island youtube (see 2nd vid below) videos that I sit at the bar and watch by myself because I have no friends/am the only alumni who stays at Beloit College longer than the kids who graduate the year after him. It can even make collect phone calls. And, once I get Mark Zuckerberg/Bill Gates/Justin Long's character from Die Hard 5/Ace to program it for me...my smart phone and I will never, ever be stopped. And I know how excited you all are about that. Yeah...you're welcome society.
The Sack's Younger Brother Turns 21
As if you haven't noticed from reading this blog and/or seeing me during the past 7 years...drinking is a big part of my life. In fact, it may be the only part of my life I truly care about. So when my little brother turned 21 a few weeks ago, I obviously jumped at the oppourtunity to get more hammered than him while celebrating this important milestone in his life. I mean once you graduate college the only excuses you have to drink are birthdays, bachelor parties and American Idol elimination shows...or something like that.
Just another quick word about 21st birthdays...they are extremely important in the household I grew up in. For mine my parents rented a gigantic red school bus, equipped with our own roofie dealer/DJ, to take us out on the town. And while Jake didn't get the Ultimate Party Bus like I did, he did manage to get my parents to skip Easter Mass the next morning. This is a big deal considering that Easter Sunday is the fourth most important date on the Christian calender in 2011, falling just behind Super Bowl Sunday, the opening night of The Hangover 2 and May 21...the day the world is ending (which just so happens to be 5 days before The Hangover 2 premiers so...good timing God). Anyways without further ado, lets go to an old school diary to recapture the night...shall we?
Saturday April 23
6:30 P.M.-I am so Hungover from the night before that I don't think I can go out tonight. Yes I know it's my little brother's 21st birthday, but considering how he used to stand their compassionless and watch my older brother ruthlessly pummel me in the street when we were growing up...I'm not feeling too sorry about missing it. (Note my little brother Jake was probably a foot shorter than me and 100 lbs. lighter than me and Kyle at this point in our lives, but those are just details.)
6:31 P.M.-I am ready to drink. I crack a Bud Light...Here We Go!! (By the way if I had cracked a Miller Lite instead of a quality beer I'd be forced to put on a man thong/pair of skinny jeans and make a terrible commercial. Then I'd force to watch said commercial...which would be worse than wearing the man thong/skinny jeans was in the first place).
8:30 P.M.-My family finally gets to Seamus McDaniels for dinner, and I quickly down a couple of whiskey cokes. My little brother doesn't have anything to drink, which is a rookie move. However he also doesn't eat any dinner, which is a veteran move. Looks like we got some sort of drinking man-child on our hands here.
9:32 P.M.-We are back from dinner and I find some bottle of Kentucky Bourbon that my mom was planning on giving to our next door neighbors for Christmas. However, considering that Christmas was 4 months before this and I have a serious drinking problem...I made the obvious choice to comindeer it. That's an air tight argument right there. Really makes you wonder how my logic professor could give me a C my junior year huh?
10:21 P.M.-We are at Milo's, our first bar of the evening. Since my little brother technically doesn't turn 21 till midnight we need a place he can drink till then. And Milo's fits the bill perfectly. Why you ask? Cause (in case you couldn't tell by the name) Milo's is owned by Italians. And if there's one thing I have learned about Italians from The Godfather, The Sopranos and that one episode of The Office it's that 100% of them are in the mob...and the mob has bigger problems on its hand than a college student who turns 21 in less than 2 hours drinking a 7 and 7.
10:33 P.M.-My good friend, and fairly frequent blog mentionee, Scherer shows up. For those of you who don't know Scherer like I do, like me tell you this...he leaves his house about as often as Sean Connery's character in Finding Forrester. However, when Scherer does leave it's not to pass out in the Subway or defend his adolescent black friend Jamal from plagerism charges like William Forrester. No...Scherer leaves to get fucked up. Looks like we are on to something here.
10:45 P.M.-We are 3 shots and several drinks deep and shocker...my dad is hanging in there. First time I've ever seen him stay up past 10:30, except that one time that Barbara Streisand was on Letterman. And he called me a fruit loop growing up?
10:50 P.M.-I recognize one of the bartenders from my grade school basketball days. Turns out this kid has been in and out of jail since leaving high school. I would feel sorry for him but...his team beat mine 52-4 in 4th grade. Hate to say it but...Karma's a bitch my man.
11:52 P.M.-We leave Milo's to go to Nick's Pub. For those of you who don't know, Nick's Pub is the one place left in St. Louis were you can still smoke. But I don't mind...I second hand smoke 2 packs a day. (Plus I am a big Joe Cool fan. He just made smoking seem so cool and sophisticated...I miss that.)
Sunday, April 24
12:23 A.M.-We are already several shots deep when my little brother decides a shot of whiskey is in order. This may seem odd since I recently pentioned the federal government to be the first test patient in their Jim Beam IV program..but I HATE shots of whiskey.
12:24 A.M.-At this point I know I am going to puke eventually. The only questions are 1-Where can I do it where it'll be the most hilarious it can be and 2-Will I remember it. But hey, if these are the biggest problems you got on a Saturday night...you are doing pretty well for yourself.
12:48 A.M.-My cousin Aaron tells me that he is going to pick up a couple of chicks sitting by the bar. My cousin Aaron gets a ride home from my Mom 2 hours later, puking out the window and saying "I just can't stay out this late" the whole drive. So what happened with him and those chicks? You do the math.
1:04 A.M.-We are on to our third spot of the evening, Mike Talaynas Jukebox. For those of you who don't know about Talaynas, let me tell ya a few things. 1-There's Karaoke. 2-There's disco lights. 3-There are humongous black bouncers who let me in without paying a cover. 4-68% of the patrons have chlamydia. And 5-There is more cocaine dust in the air than at late 70's ABA game/Kenny Powers' nostrils. Wow now you feel like you've been there 100 times...don't you?
1:07 A.M.-Davey Jones...Giant Squid!
1:08 A.M.-That was kinda weird now we're back in the club...buyin up the bar so the groupies show us love.
1:09 A.M.-Keira Knightley
1:13 A.M.-I see my main man Willy. You know...the kid who carried around the giant dildo at Mardi Gras? Now he's only got the "dildo" in his shorts, which is only some 14 inches smaller. And to be honest...it's about average.
1:15-2:45 A.M.-Shots--mixed drinks--beers--shots--mixed drinks--browned out--my dad's ugly, hipster glasses--shots--drive to the hill and trade my car for a bottle of pills--shots--eat some chicken strips--whiskey coke--meet a giant fish...ah you know the rest.
2:50 A.M.-Me, Scherer and my 2 brothers hop in a cab to head to the casino. My dad is going to sleep knowing that this is the latest he's stayed out since the original Victory Over Japan Day.
3:01 A.M.-The cab rolls up to the casino and I try to pay with my parents, I mean my own, credit card. The cabbie tries to tell me that he doesn't take credit cards. I tell him that it is Missouri State Law that he must accept credit cards. He threatens to call the cops. I threaten to call them first. I make everyone but me and the driver get out of the taxi. I call the cabby a piece of poop. Yes, this does sound like the plot for an elaborately acted homosexual porn so...I really got no defense here.
3:04 A.M.-We are entering the Lumiere casino and I'm behind my younger brother in line as the security officers are entering his ID into the scanner. The machine is having trouble reading it, and I tell them that he just turned 21 at midnight, so the machine may not be able to read his ID yet if they haven't reset it since then. They tell me that I am too drunk to come in. Look in all fairness I wasn't sober, but getting denied service at Lumiere? For the first time I know what it's like to be a black man in the Jim Crow South...and we have struggled for so long!
3:05 A.M.-Both my brothers are standing at the Lumiere entrance yelling obscenities at the security guards. For some reason they start walking towards me. I yell "don't tase me bro" and runaway into the night.
3:16 A.M.-We have left Lumiere Place and are now at the Casino Queen, East St. Louis' finest non-strip club establishment. What's the only good thing about being in Illinois instead of Missouri? In the E StL they serve liquor till the craps game ends...and that's gonna be a while.
3:21 A.M.-I am pouring whiskey down my throat and killing the blackjack table. At this point I am like the drunk version of Rain Man/That guy from 21/Alan from The Hangover...and it feels as good as it sounds.
3:50 A.M.-The puke is coming and I can't stop it...I can only hope to contain it.
3:53 A.M.-I held the puke till I cashed my chips and made my way into the bathroom. Did I also piss myself like on Mardi Gras? Well if I say I did then everyone (Katie Noonan) is going to make fun of me on facebook so...no way that happened. I just puke got on my pants this time...I swear.
3:58 A.M.-I have made my way out of the bathroom and am waking the casino floor looking for Scherer. Finally I find him at the craps table, with his hood up, scratching his neck and squealing like a crack addict (and by a crack addict, I mean Tyrone Biggums). He tells me he lost all his money and he isn't leaving till he wins it back. I am pretty sure he's still at that casino.
4:18 A.M.-Finally we make it home. My little brother is 21 and I am clearly the most hammered/least coherent person still awake in the world. TFM.
6:20 A.M.-I wake up on the floor of my room with the lights on and no idea where I am. A fitting end to an epic night...if you ask me. And of course you asked me since I am the only one taking 3 hours outta my Thursday night to write a blog that no one reads. Jackpot!
Text Update and Big Ups.
My text messaging score since getting my new smart phone last Thursday is +269 (180-inbox, 153-sent, 89 from females) which isn't too bad considering a lot of these numbers are made up since the layout of my "smart" phone makes it a lot harder to count my texts. Also my twitter popularity score is at an all-time high with 155 followers so...yeah life is good.
As for big ups this week, I guess I gotta give the first to my little brother Jake for turning 21 several weeks ago and not being able to drink as much as I can. Also I gotta thank my dad for providing me with some classic old-man material. I'll also mention Matt Davis (buy Matt Davis...F his brains out!!!) in a positive light for the first time in Sack Artist history...since he found the first of our hilarious youtube videos below. Finally I'll throw a shout out to all the recent graduates of Beloit College, especially if I know you in some way/shape or form. Now go to grad school so you can stay poor and unsuccessful but still fool people into thinking you are doing something with your life.
Back next week, hopefully with some observations from The Hangover 2
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist:
As all of you should know, there's been a recent death that has captivated America and the Global community as a whole. And no I am not talking about Osama (not to be confused with Obama, unless you are one of the 115 media members who committed federal felonies by indicating that our president was killed during an anti-terroism raid in Pakistan). In fact I won't touch on Osama's death because 1-It was such an momentous event for the World that even I have been unable to make hideously inappropriate jokes about it and 2-The internet is not the place to talk about politics. Now you may be asking "Sach, if twitter profiles, ustream accounts and blogs aren't the place to assert ridiculously uniformed political views...then what is?" The answer...prohibition era speakeasies and whore houses. Watch Boardwalk Empire and you will learn...this is where deals get made.
So as many of you may be wondering, if it's not Osama then...who the hell am I talking about? Well I am talking about the death of fun. I am talking about the death of innocence. I am talking about the death of loyalty. I am talking about the death of offensive racist and sexist comments being made in fictional work places. That's right ladies and gentleman, I am talking about the death of Michael Scott, one of the most significant sitcom characters in television history.
Look you can argue that Michael is not even one of the 4 or 5 funniest characters on The Office (I'd put Dwight and Andy Bernard as funnier main characters, with Kevin and Creed as more hilarious but seldom used episode stealers). You can argue that some of his prolonged rants and personal encounters lead to such socially awkward moments they make you want to vomit. You can even argue that "That's what she said" becoming such a prominent saying in pop-culture has caused you to wanna punch every half-assed joker who pulls it out 14 times a day. But you can't argue this...Michael made the show go. As the "lead" he moved the storyline along. He set the other characters up for hilarious hijinks. He made everyone else around him better. And that's what a lead is suppose to do. Jerry wasn't the funniest character in Seinfeld but the show just wouldn't work without him as the focal point. And the exact same has to be said about Michael Scott.
Another thing Michael did was make life changing, inspirational quotes (a la Vince Lombardi). One of my all-time favorites is "I want people to be afraid...of how much they love me." And I think we are realizing this is exactly what has happened. We are afraid. We're afraid that we'll never get to see another sitcom boob job as good as Jan Levinson's. We're afraid that Dwight's Battlestar Galactica references will become lame. But mostly...we're afraid that The Office, and TV comedy in general, will never be this good again. We were all afraid of our love of Michael...we just never really realized it till now. So mission accomplished Michael Gary Scott. Now, I just hope you find what you're looking for in Colorado.
Sack Makes Movies
Now that Michal Scott is no more, someone needs to fill the void his Great Scott production company has left in the film industry. It's only fitting that Michael and Great Scott have walked away after the release of their crown jewel Threat Level Midnight, and now it's time for Sack Artist Productions to step up and take their place as the leading Entertainment Idea comer-up-wither in the world today. Take a look at our current projects.
Elite task force thwarts sexually aroused villains. Stars Jason Statham, or we go against type with a Michael Cera or Eisenberg. Tagline - "Saving the World has never been this HARD!!"
Lady Gaga: Never Say Never
Nathan Lane and Roise O'Donnell play two unattractive, middle-aged people who think that life has passed them by. As they blow out the candles on their 50th birthday, both wish to somehow fulfill their one true dream...to be pop stars. The next morning they wake up to discover they have been morphed together (like siamese twins) to become one pop sensation...Lady Gaga. The rest is history. (By the way if you are wondering who brought the dangle and who brought the vajayjay in this scenario...then your head is in the right place.)
Death Row Redemption: The Making of "Stanley "Tookie" Williams From Crip to Christ"
Nothing was funnier to me than Robert Downey Jr. portraying an Australian actor who was portraying a black war hero in Tropic Thunder. I mean nothing could possibly top this triple race sandwich right? Well try this on for size...Paul Walker (the greatest actor of our generation) portraying a Swedish actor, who's portraying the legendary murder/Crip founder, turned reformed Christian/Children's book author, Stanley "Tookie" Williams (who is black...in case you were wondering). What makes this better than Downey in Tropic Thunder? 1-Paul Walker. 2-Paul Walker's Swedish accent. 3-Paul Walker playing a Swedish guy, playing a black guy killing other gang members in the screets. Nuff said.
A rap superstar (Kanye West) meets a 17 year old country singer (Taylor Swift) on tour. They fall in love. Kanye impregnates Taylor (they've always had some sexual tension if you ask me). Now both the rapper and country singer must overcome the damage to their reputation this scandal causes in the entertainment world, and...raise a son who becomes the best mixed-raced country rapper this side of Cowboy Troy. Talk about your bi-racial love story.
2 (Gay) Men and a (Asian) Baby
The most annoying, repulsive gay couple you could imagine (Carrot Top and Gilbert Gottfried) try to adopt a baby. The only problem? No domestic agencies let gay couples adopt children...so they have to go to Asia. This wouldn't seem like an issue, if Gottfried didn't hate Asians with a passion. I mean he hates them so much that he tweets things about Japan Tsunamis that even Rashard Mendenhall thought were over the line. Now Gottfried has to overcome his racism, repair his broken homosexual relationship with Carrot Top, and learn to embrace his new Asian child...before it is too late.
Tyler Perry's A Madea Hanukkah
Tyler Perry once again portrays an elderly, black woman...only this time she befriends a Jewish lady (played by Barbara Streisand) who convinces her to convert to Judaism. Hilarity ensues. Tagline - "Jewish people in a Tyler Perry movie? SAY WHAT?!?!?!"
Some chick on Bill Simmon's new website swears that woman will have their own Animal House and Caddyshack one day...so why not speed up the process. In this hilarious comedy sorority chicks sleep around, chug Jack Daniels, hang out with Oatis Day and the Knights and sneak up ladders to check out naked dudes in the frat. TSM. (Btw if this movie is ever really made Kristen Wig and/or Sarah Silverman need to somehow be a part of it. They are the only two woman I would trust to produce any thing close to a female Animal House at this point in our society).
We had The Wrestler. Then we had The Fighter. So who are the next group of athletes to have their physical health problems and moderate drug addiction brought to light in a film entitled simply "The...(insert name of athletic group).?" Lets go with jockeys the true, 5'0", 105-pound party boys of the sports world. Think Mini-me smoking crack in the jock room before mounting a Kentucky Derby favorite would be sweet in a movie? Of course you do...no one could hate that visual.
Bad Boys 3
Please God let this happen. Look, anyone who has read this POS site before knows how I feel about Bad Boys 2. And, with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence both aging like fine wine, another sequel can only make the franchise better...assuming Martin Lawrence accidently takes ecstasty again. (Now time for a prolonged, parenthetical rant. What is everyone's problem with sequels? Look if everyone important is coming back for a second/third installment, and it's been less than a decade since the original movie came out, then sequels almost always deliver (assuming the 1st movie was good...parentheses inside of parentheses YAY!). You think The Hangover 2 is gonna suck with Todd Phillips, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis all coming back? Let me see you have the same writers, director and cast from the 2nd best comedy of this generation returning to advance the storyline so...I am betting it's pretty damn good. Even if it's not as good as The Hangover it will be hilarious (like Airplane 2 vs. Airplane). I guarantee it. Now get off your damn high horse, quit worrying that a sequel will somehow ruin a transcendent comedy, and just watch the movie and see what happens.)
Threat Level 1 A.M.
Obvious sequel where Golden Face blows up the East/West Shrine Game, forcing Michael Scarn to come back out of retirement and save the sporting all-star game world. Hopefully Steve Carrell is up for this...because I sure as hell am.
Text Update and Big Ups
I have a couple of big ups to extend in this version of the blog. First I'd like to thank my new roommates Chad and Matt Davis for helping to get me off the street (more about this later). In a separate note...is it bad that I have lived with Chad for close to a week and still do not know his last name? Anways I'd also to shout out my boy D-Love for having his 22nd birthday the other day and for helping me finish 3.5 liters (2 handles) of Fleischman's Whiskey (only the finest) in 2 nights. Finally I got to thank everyone who shows up to party at my new apartment this weekend, even if that hasn't happened yet.
My text score since April 6 is +637 (544-inbox, 491-sent, 40 from females) which I realize...represents the most sausage festy text messaging stats for a straight guy since Chinese women were allowed to use cell phones. However, my twitter score is solid with 150 followers, and I recently added a few new facebook friends so...I guess I don't suck too bad after all. Wait what am I talking about? We all know that's a lie....
Back soon with an update on the living situation and perhaps a 21st bday diary.
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"