Dear Readers,As all of you should know, unless you cannot read/write/have a functional brain that can feel joy, college is the single greatest time of your life. You have no responsibilities. You have no commitments. Hopefully you only have 2 or 3 illegitimate children whose mother's (or father's) understand that spending $6.95 a day for a handle of Fleischman's Whiskey (the good stuff) takes precendent over paying child's support.
Basically you have it made. Your life will never be this good again.But, that doesn't mean you cannot revisit it. As I told each and every one of you earlier, a truly committed collegiate dream-maker/non-functioning alcoholic in regular society can prioritize his life in such a way where partying with undergrad frat stars and underage chicks can always be a focal point of his existence (here's look at you Roethlisberger).
You may leave college behind, but you can always return the lifestyle. You just got to want it bad enough.Now, this doesn't mean that your return to awesomeness will not be without its pitfalls. GDIs may chastise you for not being to able to move on in your life. Chicks may accidently mase you because they drunkenly confuse you with their abusive great-uncle. Through a process of self-realization you may wonder what the fact that you are able to drive 3 hours to get wasted at your old fraternity house on a Tuesday night says about
your life. Because in the end, at least in this environment, you are old. And old people, well--their life always kinda sucks. Just ask everyone who was stuck at Ben Stiller's nursing home in Happy Gilmore.You're 24 now. So while your collegiate lifestyle may not be over...it will never be the same.
All you can do is accept the pain, move on, and embrace the creepiness. That's what I tell myself every morning when I wake up. Embrace the creepiness. Then turn on your laptop and open your Internet browser. I'm pretty sure you can all figure it out from here...The Sack Knows--How to Tell When You Are Old as FSo now that I've made you all depressed by telling you your life is in shambles, then made you all grab some happy tissues by telling you how to use your laptop to put it all back together again, let me share some more life altering advice with y'all. Never take being the oldest, or most unattractive, person at a college party as
an insult. It's always a compliment. Now let me tell you all how to recognize the signs of your age, so hopefully one day you'll be able to take your greatest weakness, turn it into a strength, and party your nuts off. After all you may be old...but you ain't dead. Remember that people. Always remember that...Old as Dirt Sign #1: People Say it to Your Face-Look, there's no greater way to learn something about yourself than
to have someone say it to face. After all, how do you think that I discovered that I was the funniest bearded guy since Galifianaks or the best looking guy who's name starts with the letters "Zac" this side of Efron? Do you think these are things I just imagined in my head, instead of widely shared opinions in the cultured world that are shared with me by my 250+ Twitter followers daily? Of course people have told me that stuff. I would never have an inflated opinion of myself.So if while you are boogying the night away on the frat house dance floor, people are giving you weird looks or calling you a "slightly older Ulysess S. Grant"
than 1-They know way too much about the physical appearance of 19th century presidents and 2-You are almost old enough to remember the first president Bush, which means you are virtually dead in their eyes. You might as well fall down, break your hip, and overdose on pain killers. Not because you wanna die or anything. Just because that sounds fun. Old as Dirt Sign #2: People Don't Get Your Cultural References-Have you ever asked someone who their favorite Saved by the Bell character is only to hear them say that "they don't know what that is" and then instantly felt the urge to murder them for never learning the invaluable early 90's life-lessons that you did? Have you ever told someone to thrown on some N'Sync only to have them stare at you like the music video Bye-Bye-Bye didn't reshape their life forever?
Has someone ever told you that the Ninja Turtles were gay (not that there's anything wrong with reptile homosexuality)?The answer is almost certainly yes to all three of those questions. Now, does this mean that everyone who doesn't understand these cultural references deserves to slowly be tortured until they understand that Seinfeld is funny and that The Big Bang Theory is evil? Of course. But that's not the point. The point is that while these youngin's may have committed the almost indefensible crime of being born after Big WIllie Style came out
, in a way when they were born almost isn't their fault.
After all I don't understand what my dad is talking about when he rambles on about The Beatles or the Rolling Stones (I mean who are these people) do I? Of course not. Most of that is probably due to the fact that that was an inferior culture, but still. Times change. People change. And if referring to the greatest mutant, reptile crime fighting force that the world has ever known as "gay" is cool now a days then, hey...that's stupid as shit. I don't understand these kids, and I never will.Old as Dirty Sign #3: Your Body is Breaking Down-
Ever single part of my body hurts all-day, everyday. My back, my knees, my toes, my fingers, my testicles, my butt-hole. Now some of this pain is certainly not due to natural aging, but instead my crazy, free-swinging lifestyle (bet you can't guess which ones). I understand and accept that. I live life in the fast lane, even though I have no money, job, women who will talk to me, or emotions.However, some of this is also due to getting old. When I was in college I could eat an entire cherry pie and then go and walk 17 steps to class with no problem like some sort of physical freak.
Now I can eat an entire cherry pie, walk to the bathroom, and collapse on the floor. True story. Where do you think I am laying right now...Old as Dirt Sign #4: Viagra-
There's no question that Viagra is the greatest drug ever invented. And yes, that includes those drugs that cured Magic Johnson of AIDS (what are they called again? Oh yeah...$100 bills). Because, while those drugs may have given him life...Viagra gave him the ability to enjoy Internet Porn. And isn't that what life is all about? Duh.Anyways, one of the clearest way to tell that you're old as f is to not be able and get a boner while you're grinding on some fairly unattractive chick on the dance floor.
When everyone is sneaking into the bathroom to take ecstasy or some sort of low-grade beaver tranquilizer, and you need to do it just to get a half-chub that no one will ever touch...then you know you are old. And when you put a scene where your son-in-law is forced to stab your weiner with a needle because you can't get your half-chub to go away in your screenplay...then you know you have made a terrible movie
. You had me at hello De Niro. You lost me at "stick that needle into my dick Ben Stiller." You lost me forever.Old as Dirt Sign #5: No one Else is Wearing Eddie Bauer-
This is the Big Daddy...and the only way to know that you are truly older than everyone else is. Back when that Kurt Cobaine guy was doing drugs and smangin' hoes, Eddie Bauer cargo pants and flannels were the look. Now, not so much.
I mean I don't even know what Abercrombie and Fitch is. I thought they were a gun manufacturer who invented the concept of "product placement" by having Ernest Hemingway kill himself with one of their pistols
. Yeah I've made this joke before. Yeah, no one got it the first time. Yeah...that makes me feel even older than I already did. Yeah...I'm gonna die a virgin, with no money, making Ernest Hemingway + Abercrombie jokes that no one gets while begging for change on a Guatemalan street corner. One day in the next 2.5 years...that will become my life. It's pretty much inevitable at this point.Old as Dirt Sign #6: You Become a Laughing Stock-I guess I have always been old, because this has always been the case.
However, just in case this blog isn't enough evidence for you...check out the YouTube video below. God, my life has about as much purpose as a, uh...something without a lot of purpose. A Hugh Grant movie or the French army or the WNBA? I don't know...I'm running out of Europeans and women to insult here.Text Updates and Big UpsMy current text messaging score since April 13 is a +139 (124-inbox, 109-sent,
0 from females), which, along with my strong attraction to former president Ulysess S. Grant, seems to indicate pretty strongly that I may be a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). My Twitter popularity score has also fallen off from an all-time high of 262 followers down to a measley 260 followers so...my life is clearly not going as well as you would think by reading about me and Amanda Bynes doing things
in Us Weekly.I don't really have a lot of big ups to extend in this edition of the blog either. I'd just like to thank my boy JJ for always standing by me, and the boys at the frat castle for making me feel old as shit. Also special thanks to my dude Silly Dilly Hess for making me a laughingstock in the YouTube video below. God...I need to move on with my life.Back next week with some more shit about a different day where I will probably take a coupl
e of shits.In Hoc,Sachary L. Poelker"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
Dear Readers,As all of you should know, both because I've told you and you've been in a frat (assuming you're not socially awkward or homeless), drinking copious amounts of alcohol between the hours of 7 A.M. and 6 P.M. is just about the greatest thing you can ever do
. It's the purest way to celebrate accomplishments in your own life, or to celebrate the spectacular things others have done such as ending Communism in real life (REAGAN!!!) or ending Communism on a movie screen
(HARRISON!!!). It's the best way to live life as God intended: fat, drunk, stupid...and constantly making questionable moral decisions. It's what all great men do. It's who all great men are. And there's no question about it.So, why isn't this culture of daylight drunkeness celebrated in our society like American Idol or
Channing Tatum? How are college
professor expected to prepare their students for the future if they aren't showing them how to slur their words and publicly urinate on the job? How do we expect to compete with China in the nuclear weapons race or Indonesia in the "getting 10-year-old children jobs
making Air Jordans" sweepstakes
if we are not drunk at work? If we let the daytime pass us by?The answer is that we can't--can't teach men how to be boys or get the child labor force mobilized to fuel our
economy--without being drunk. Ronald Reagan knew this, and so did Harrison Ford. That's why Russia pretty much doesn't exist anymore. That's why America is the guiding light for freedom and fairly distributed wealth
and healthcare services in the world. Because our leaders were men (or women) who knew things.Maybe one day we'll remember that again. Ronald Reagan and Harrison Ford may be dead...but they will never be forgotten. Because, as long as you spend all day getting drunk, then forgetting things...well that's impossible.
I'm 94.37% sure on that one...Day Drinking Builds CharacterSo now that we all know and understand why day drinking is an invaluable activity in our nation's quest to regain world supremacy, let's take a closer look at how day drinking turns boys into men, girls into women, and Lady Gaga into something
the 80's versions of Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake will voluntarily have a 3-way with (6-balls, 3-weiners, and maybe a vagina...that's so hot right now).Lesson #1: Day Drankin' Teaches How to Deal With Adversity-
As I wrote in my adward winning post "Sack and the Binge Drinking Life Cycle
" (which I will be reading at the DePaul University English Graduate Association Conference Friday. Seriously...I will) massive amounts of alcohol consumption builds character. Getting drunk and pushing through the hungover pain to not kill yourself while knowingly wasting your life at some dog end pet (or poor people) insurance
job shows a lot of heart. That's pretty much a scientifically inarguable fact at this point, like all humans descending from Adam and Eve or all fruit being cursed because apple's are the reason that all people in the world aren't allowed to frolick around naked. You just have to accept all these things as being true, and live your life accordingly.So if regular alcohol consumption already builds heart and character, what can day drankin' possibly add to the equation? Well it's this simple; if making your way through your kindergarten's production of "Lease" hungover builds intestinal fortitude
, then (like with everything else) doing it drunk builds more. So drink up m'fers, and don't worry about work, driving your kids to school or passing the GED
. Cause, if you can't do those things drunk...then what do they really mean anyway? Not a whole lot am I right?Lesson #2: Day Drankin' Teaches Time Management Skills-What if I told you that most kids who fail out of community college don't do it because they are drunk and partying all the time, but because 1-They can't read, 2-They play Halo 24/7, 3-An associates degree doesn't matter when you are trying to emulate Terrence Howard's life story from Hustle and Flow or 4-No one fails out of community college?
Do you see the terms "alcohol" or "drinking" anywhere in those possible explanations? Of course not...alcohol has never been the reason why anyone has ever failed to do anything.But while day drankin' cannot be the reason for anyone's failure, it can be a significant cause for their success.
After all if you can spend the daylight hours downing Jim Beam, and are still able to read and do arithmetic at the fourth grade level it takes to acquire a Chevy Chase level of education
and romantic skills, then you know how to get things done...and you are going somewhere with your life. You're probably just not running a stable of hoes on the screets of Memphis or becoming a rap superstar...that's all.Lesson #3: You Practice Like You Play-Let's take a look at all the great men in the world and how they become great. I mean how do you think Michael Jordan became the world's greatest athlete and worst-dressed famous person?
By copious hours of practicing his basketball skills and shopping at Clown-thrift shops
. How do you think Donald Trump became the world's most famous racist and firer of people? By questioning minorities birth places and firing his shoe shiners for being born in Jamaica. How do you think that black guy from 40-year-old virgin became famous? By tackling drunk b****es
.These men rose to the top of the heap and gained famed and superstardom by putting in the time, work, and effort away from the limelight to make themselves into the people that they wanted to become. So what does this have to do with day drankin'? Well, like these great men, we all need to practice like we play.
We can't just expect to go out on a Saturday night, get hammed face, and impregnate Lindsay Lohan. We need to practice. That's what the daytime is for...learning how to be the kind of drunk person that you want to be. And, more importantly, learning how to succeed in life. Which brings me to my next point...Lesson #4: All the Rich, Success, and Beautiful People Are Doing It-
I'm sure that all you of you are familiar with the hit AMC television drama Mad Men, but if you aren't let me summarize all six-seasons of the show for you. This really good looking guy works at an advertising agency, cheats on his wife, divorces her, gets a new wife, apparently kills some woman after banging her in last week's episode, does little to no actual work (that I can see anyways) and still is a baller who is rich as F and pretty much runs NYC while getting blasted at work 6 days a week. So what is the important information in all of this, the real life lesson to be learned from the tale of Don Draper?Easy, if you spend all day getting drunk and doing nothing, then you will get to live the American dream. You will become rich, famous, emotionally distant, unfaithful to gorgeous women who will still always love you, and most of all...you will eventually look like this guy. How do I know this is true? Because I saw it on TV. And TV never lies.
Just look at that documentary Lost.Lesson #5: If you're not Day Drankin'...Then There's No Joy in Your Life-
Which brings us to our final, and most important, lesson. Now before I explain further, think back to some of your fondest memories during the day-time. Maybe it's taking a beautiful stroll next to the Lake, or taking your newborn child out for a picnic. Maybe it's a bike ride through the beautiful scenary of Flint, Michigan
. Maybe it's that one time you beat those mentally-challenged kids in slow pitch softball, and taught them that they have to earn everything that they get in life. Whatever it is, close your eyes and picture that moment, when the sun was shining and everything seemed to be right in the world.Now open your eyes and realize that that moment meant nothing...because you were sober. Know that you have wasted your life, that each and everyone of those moments paled in comparison to the time I went to Target hammered on a Tuesday afternoon and asked the stock boy where the "weiner" section was.
Know that when you look back on those moments you won't remember the fun you had or the memories you created; you'll only be sad that you weren't standing at a Chase ATM borderline blacked out and trying to remember your pin and not to puke on your money all at the same time.Know that a drunk morning and/or afternoon beats a sober one every time. Because, in the end, it's not what you are doing that matters...it's how good you felt when you were doing it. That's what day drankin' has taught me.
And I hope one day each and every one of you will be lucky enough to learn the same thing.Now go out there, buy the liquor or beer of your choice...and make a GD memory. And do it all while the spring sun is shining down on you. Then, and only then...you'll learn how to have meaning in your life. Yeah...I'm talking to you smart ass Willy Wonka.Text Updates and Big UpsMy current text messaging score April 6 is a pathetic +106 (
89-inbox, 73-sent, 1 from a female) which once again strongly indicates that 1-I have no friends, 2-I may be gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) and 3-I may be a gay guy who has no friends. However, on a positive note my Twitter popularity score is at an all-time high of 258 followers so, once again I either 1-Have no friends, 2-May be gay or 3-May be a gay guy who has no friends.I don't really have my big ups to extend in this edition of the blog either. Although I will give some props to
R. Kelly for taking time out of his busy day to explain to each and every one of us what the word "Echo" means (see youtube video below). God I wish he would pee on me. I mean, yeah...that is just a true statement at this point.Back next week rockin' socks and suckin, eh...what?
I don't even know what I'm saying right now.In Hoc,Sachary L. Poelker"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
Dear Readers,As I'm sure all of you know we live in the greatest country in the world. A country where freedom is celebrated, and people like bosses or parents telling you how to live your life is outlawed by the Supreme Court. A country where people will never be forced to buy healthcare, because dying in the street is your god damn right. A country where dreams come true, and there is no such thing as a racial, economic, or gender advantage for anyone because we all compete on a level playing field. Simple put, a country where life is perfect.Or at least it was. Now unforunately things are changing.
Our freedom is being taken away, our civil liberties are being restricted, and the government is telling us what to do. You want to breed and raise your own alligator
and keep it in basement? No way. You want to smoke a pack of cigs in a daycare? Not happening. You want to walk around naked because your have a large dick that is being wasted covered up by pants and GAP boxers? Forget about it.You want to drink alcohol in a collegiate sporting event because being sober is a terrible life decision and a complete waste of time? Not in today's America. And that's what really grinds my gears. Because, what is America about if not owing reptiles, exposing young children to second-hand smoke, showing off your large dong to the chicas and getting hammered drunk while watching a group of exploited 19 year-olds make billions of dollars for old, white people while not getting paid a nickel? I mean what are we here for?
What do we stand for? What are we all about? Sometimes...I'm not sure that I know anymore. And that my friends, is pretty f'in scary. Kinda like Scary Movie, but with all the laughter and Wayans brothers and what not.Sneaking a Flask Through a Metal Detector So now that we've established that our great nation has changed for the worse, the question becomes...what can we do about it?
Well if there's one thing that I've learned through my study of historical figures like Jesus, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King
, Ronald Reagan, and Martin Lawrence it's this...one man can't change anything. One person can never make a lasting difference. Not even you Martin Lawrence...not even you.But, one man can teach a bunch of other men (and women) how to circumvent the rules, stick it to the man, and stand up for your rights in the process. One man (myself) can teach you how to sneak a flask through a metal detector
. I can teach you how to be an American again. So...are you ready?Method #1: Swallow it Whole-
This is easily the most tried and true method. After all how do you think world rulers from Caesar to Johnny Depp's character in Blow have been able to smuggle in their blow and fuel the world's greatest economies? All you need to do is stuff the flask down your gullet, take some ex-lax, drop a diarreh poop as soon as crossing the metal detector threshold and then sift through your feces to retrieve your flask. It's really that easy. The only question is...have you ever pooped a balloon
?Method #2: Up the B-Hole-This is easily my favorite method. Look it's common knowledge that if you swallow something through your mouth, then you will poop it out of your butt. It's slightly commoner knowledge that if you swallow something through your butt, then you will poop it out of your mouth.
In fact the America Medical Assosciation has advocated this method of digestion and defecation for years, because it prevents adult on-set diabetes
. I am almost sure.So why is this my favorite method? Well it combines the sexual pleasure of the flask-into-butthole insertion (Not saying that I am into this, not saying that I am not...or that there's anything wrong with it) with the relief of the out-of-the mouth-excretion. Everyone feels better when they puke. Why do you think Steamin' Willie Beamen did it before every big Miami Sharks' game or Ulysses S. Grant did it before sending hundreds of thousands of men to their death at Gettysburg? Do you think he even remembers that by the way?
Or his cameo appearance in Wild Wild West?Method #3: Surgery-
You know how some people get like a metal plate inserted into their head because their brain transplant was unsuccessful? Well how about a flask instead? In a perfect world it'd be an open flask which was constantly leaking whiskey directly into your brain. That way you'd always be drunk...and probably could go on disability. Having the government pay you to get drunk as f? That's a win-win-win if I've ever seen one.Method #4: Magic-If there are two things David Blaine has taught me about magic it's 1-You should only use it for the good of humanity, or to make a ton of money, and 2-You can magically make Orange Soda
and/or orange Smirnoff vodka appear in your (or anyone else's) mouth at any time. Who needs a flask when you can just summon vodka into your mouth while you are watching the game? That's totally logical, totally practical, and totally simple for anyone without a metal plate and/or flask substituting for their brain. Try it sometime, and I promise...you will think I have a mental disability for suggesting it.Method #4a: Invisibility Cloak-Have you guys ever heard of the moderately successful, Pultizer Prize/Academy Award winning, film/literary series Harry Potter? No? Well it's about this British kid with an above-average sized dick
who can do magic and fly brooms almost as well as David Blaine. Oh and he has this invisibility cloak
which makes him uh, invisibile, when he wears it. Anyways I
heard they sale these things for $39.99 a pop at Sharper Image so...you might wanna check it out. My only piece of advice when sportin' one of these bad boys? Don't fart. Everyone will see the bubbles. It's kinda like you're in a swimming pool or something.Method #5: Get a Super Bowl Ring-Everyone knows that once you get a Super Bowl ring that you get a ton of chicks,
permanent brain damage (just look at Terry Bradshaw), and a half-price passes to any Disney themed Theme Park in North America. Those perks are givens. And they are awesome.But, you also get to bypass metal detectors for the rest of your life, which is pretty sweet. It's good to have a ring. It sucks not to have one. Just ask Michael Vick...or Frank Caliendo.Method #6: Try Your Hardest Not to Be Arab-Look in my world there is no such thing as race, and everyone looks the exact same and walks around holding each other's hands and laughing about how happy and silly we all are together. In fact I am probably the only person to mistake Yao Ming for Arabic basketball phenom Lek Lawrence. Because I am a good person, and like all good people...I just don't see things like that.
And by things like that I mean height. Cause that Arab guy is probably a good foot and a half shorter than Yao.Sadly however, the rest of the world does not live in my racial utopia, and racially profiling is a real thing. Am I in favor of it? No. But in the world we live in a billionaire Saudi prince has a harder time getting through a metal detector than the Russian bad-guy from Air Force One.
And people wonder why Harrison Ford's plane was attacked? Come on...get your shit together TSA.Method #7: Be Iron Man-Look if an event requires a metal detector just to enter...then there's a good chance that
it's going to get attacked. So, the question remains...how do we stop it? How do we save the lives of all the innocent people? How do we keep America safe?And the answer my friends is simple...Iron Man. So next time you are feeling like a hero, pull on that Iron Man suit, throw your flask in your pocket and walk right through that metal detector. Despite metal covering your entire body, no one will dare stop you. You'll be saving the greatest country in the world. And there's nothing in the constitution that says you can't get a little tipsy while you're doing it.Text Updates and Big Ups
My text messaging score since March 30th is a paltry 134 (105-inbox, 94-sent, 18 from females), which shows exactly what I expected...chicks dig drunk guys in Iron Man costumes. Also my Twitter popularity score is at an all-time high with 252 followers so...I'm pretty much killing it. My parent's are so proud that they just sent me a postcard addressed to "poop stain" instead of "retarded poop boy" so...I'm clearly moving up in the world.I don't have much in the way of big ups to extend in this edition of the blog. However, I will thank my main man Jimbo for helping inspiring this very-mediocre and not very original post as well as my home boy Chris for showing me the Youtube video below. I hate it, and you will too. That's why the world needs to see it.Back next week with more about magic and other unimaginative pop culture references.In Hoc,Sachary L. Poelker"The Sack