Dear Readers,
As all of you should know, because you seen the film Hot Rod and find it hilarious because you aren't some "mature" douche who doesn't think the word "choad" is hysterical, all great men have mustaches.  Or at least they did until Magnum P.I. went off the air and suddenly things changed.  Now having a Tom Selleck esque mustache almost certainly makes you a pedophile, which I guess is frowned upon after that whole Penn State thing (too soon? RIP Joe Pa...and that's no joke homey).  And it should be.  After all if you are a kid...nothing is more dangerous than a big, fat, motherf*#$%ing pedophile.

So what are great men (like myself) to do now?  If having a mustache means that we will almost certainly become a priest, bleached skinned pop star, or assistant collegiate athletic coach at an University in the Eastern United States...where are we suppose to turn?  How do we show the world exactly how great we are without a patch of fur covering our upper lip?  Grow out our ball fros until they merge with our chest pubes and turn into an irresistibly luscious V of fury sexual attractiveness?  Yeah...that sounds about right.

Only it doesn't.  Because if looking like Ron Jeremy makes you a pedophile now a days...then showing off your body hair at the local schoolyard certainly will as well.  No, with this whole pedophile thing we great men are left with one option and one option only.  We need to kick it old school, go big or go home, and follow some sort of other played cliche which has escaped me mind.

Basically we need to grow out our beards, and show the world our strength.  All great men used to have mustaches...until they started touching little boys.  Now all great men have beards (check the pic above if you don't believe me). 

So hopefully you don't have a hormone disorder.  And if you do, then growing out your ball fro may be a good idea...one way or another.

The Sack Tells you all about the Beardvantages
So now that I have convinced each and every one of you that having a beard is the only way to attain greatness and power in our society, let me go beyond looking at the beard as just a symbol of strength and sexual virility.  You see, power beards have many practical functions as well, which will certainly support my argument and make it the best piece of logic you have heard since Atticus Finch got that black guy convicted of murder.  Good lawyering there Gregory Peck, but just know...that dude's blood is on your hands.

Beardvantage #1: They provide warmth-Alright so I forgot to telling you something about having a beard. Growing a power beard will almost certainly make you homeless.  But, according to several of my political sources on FOX News, being homeless means you have all the political/economic/sexual power in our nation today...which is the whole GD point of growing a beard in the first place.  Besides growing a power neck-beard, moving into a tent city set up in some public park, not showering for six months, and protesting against Mormon millionaires who unfairly have to pay 13.9% of their $42,000,000 income in taxes is all the rage right now.  It will even get you named as Time Magazine person of the year (trust me, the dude/chick in that pic is wearing a beard under that scarf thing covering their face).

Now that I've sold you all on becoming homeless, you have to think...what's the main thing that homeless people need?  That's right...the ability to be warm.  And nothing keeps your neck/the bottom portion of your face warm like some scraggly hairs that don't connect together in a particularly attractive way.  Well maybe that scarf thing in the Time Magazine picture does, but...wearing that may or may not make you look like a fruit cake (not that there's anything wrong with that).  Plus beards can keep other parts of your body warm.  For instance I don't even wear gloves anymore (OK...I can't afford them).  I just stick my hands inside of my power beard, and let the hair keep them warm.  That's what I call killing too birds with one stone...or something like that.

Beardvantage #2: They Feed you-Once you are homeless another thing you will always desperately need is food.  Sure sometimes you'll be able to sneak into a soup kitchen, or get an erection, stick it under your waistband (a la a handgun), and pretend that it is a gun so you can steal some dude's hot dog stand...but those opportunities are few and far between.  However, you will always have the chance to stash food in your beard and save it for later.  I mean at one point I had almost an entire ham in there and just walked around the city eating it whenever I was hungry...and it was always warm.

Currently I have closed to a year's supply of nacho cheese stash in my beard.  That way if I am ever able to find a bag of tortilla chips in the dumpster and end up on a coach bus with Magic Johnson, James Worthy and Lamar Odom...I won't have to mug them with my boner and steal the Larry O'Brien trophy so I can make some nachos.

Beardvantage #3: The Chicks Dig It-And no I am not saying that girls will have sex with because of your power beard.  For one they will be way to intimidate by your power/overall scent to get busy with you.  For two you are homeless so you got no game, and would have to sneak into a Starbucks bathroom just to have a place to bang anyways.  But, even without the whole sex thing, chicks will still be so curious about your facial hair that they will want to rub it, and probably pull on it, which is more action than I've gotten since well, uh...let's just say that is some action.

Beardvantage #4: Bum Fighting-Look once you are homeless, and our country is ravaged by starvation, you will have no recourse other then selling your body and getting AIDS...unless you can brawl.  Fighting other bums for a crack rock wrapped in a bologna sandwich wrapped in a 3 dollar bill, is a time honored homeless tradition like no other...besides maybe alcoholism/drug addiction, mental illness, or stabbing people.  And as Kimbo Slice taught us, homeless men with power beards can beat the shit outta other homeless men...and then suck at MMA.  If you're living on the streets, and don't want AIDS...then is the only way to survive.

Beardvantage #5: Not Making Out with Drew Bledsoe-Not that there's anything wrong with this.  In fact Drew Bledsoe is a very rich, successful and good looking man...the kinda guy we'd all be lucky to swap spit with. But, with that being said, if this is something that you are still somehow just not into, a beard is a must.  Because, as we saw last Sunday, if you don't have a beard...Drew Bledsoe is going to make out with you.  But, if you do have a beard...he will get nothing but nacho cheese.  Besides, I'd only shave my beard for Tom Brady...if you know what I'm saying.

Beardvantage #6: Not Being a Racist-The greatest non-racist of all-time, aka Abraham Lincoln, had a beard.  Therefore if you don't have a beard like Abraham Lincoln did...you are in favor of slavery.  Can't argue with that logic...I don't think.

Beardvantage #7: Meeting Will Ferrell-As the youtube video below demonstrates, Will Ferrell clearly has a personal vendetta against beards.  So, if you grow a beard, then Will Ferrell will track you down and cut it off in front of the 19 people watching on TBS.  I've always wanted to meet Frank the Tank so...check out Conan on February 17th.  I think I am on after the retarded guy from that movie Radio. Oh what's his name? Oh yeah...Radio.

The Only Beardisvantage: Extra Airport Security-Now I am not saying that all dudes with beards are terrorists.  But I am also not saying that the FAA doesn't think that all dudes with beards are terrorists.  Hope you like cavity searches.  Hey...which airport do you think Drew Bledsoe works at?

Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since January 20th is +427 (346-inbox, 262-sent, 0 from females, 1 unreturned text).  Now I am not going to say who the unreturned text message is from, but I will say that it may or may not be the person who is currently in possession of my frat cup...and is forcing me to drink Kool-Aide out of a generic glass like some f'in GDI.  Also my Twitter popularity score has reached an all-time high of 223 followers so...wakin, bakin, poopin is quickly becoming a national phenomenom. 

I do have a couple of editions of big ups to extend in this post as well.  First to my man Ace for posting the Drew Bledsoe make out video on my Facebook wall, and concealing his boner while watching it live with me, you are my dude.  Second to my homey Jayboy...thanks for the continued support/being the only person to read and enjoy my last post.  You guys are the man...or men.  Whatever makes more sense here.

Back next week with more of the same about less

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
 
 
Dear Readers,
As all of you should know, Wednesday was a dark, dark day for the greatest civilization the world has ever known.  And no I am not talking about overcast weather, or a power outage, or some sort of offensive joke that all you racists out there have already concocted in your sick minds.  No, per usual with a person as enlightened as myself...racism has nothing to do with what I am talking about. 

And today I am talking about one of our society's great assets, a guiding light in the fight for freedom, equality and betterment in our great nation, being forced to shut its doors, turn off its lights, and go dark for 24 hours.  Yes that's right, I am talking about Wikipedia, the greatest educational resources the world has ever known (more on this later), and their politically-forced shut down this past a mere few days ago. 

Now everyone knows that the Sack only cares about one political issues/party/event...and that's America.  So, if there's something out there that can force one of America's defining web-based knowledge centers to shut down, thereby threatening the freedom and liberty that T-Jeff and the fellas fought so hard for, I know what must be done.  I must take a stand.  I must let me voice be heard.  And, like the Beastie Boys before me, I must fight for my right...to party.

Welcome to America b*#$h!! An America that will never change...at least if the Sack has anything to say about it.

F*$k SOPA
So now that I told you all what you already knew (that Wikipedia shut down this week), let me tell you why.  Basically Wikipedia shut down to protest some pending Congressional legislation called SOPA.  Now, I am not going to insult you all by telling you what exactly SOPA entails with any sort of detail, so I'll let Wikipedia do it for me.  But I will say the jist of this bill seems to be the federal government's attempt to censor everything we do until we eventually become a race of identical robots that would never lie, steal, cheat, or violate federal copyright laws.  However, we all know how that worked out for Will Smith and company so...clearly this isn't a good idea.  Now let me tell you why.

1) SOPA Violates Personal Liberties-Do you like your freedom of speech?  Or Google's ability to correct you when you search for "white people stole my car?"  (told ya Google was racist).  Or your inalienable right to watch X-Men movies illegally over the Internet a free weeks before they hit the theater?  Yeah I've read the constitution (give or take), so I know how this whole personal liberty thing works, and SOPA violates each and every one of them.

Look I can't afford premium cable, so it is my right as an American to watch it illegally over the Internet.  That's just a fact.  Don't like it?  Well Showtime exec, move to Canada, and get paid in monopoly money.  Free, illegal piracy is the price you pay for being an American.  I thought the guy Justin Timberlake played in the Social Network taught us all that by now.

2) SOPA Hinders Academic Achievment-Like I said earlier, Wikipedia is the best educational resource in the history of our society.  I mean Wikipedia is the best thing ever (keep in mind that I am pretty sure that posting this clip is a SOPA violation). Anyone in the world can write anything that they want about any subject...so you know that you are getting the best possible information.  Nuff said.

So how did kids learn before Wikipedia?  Books?  Abacuses?  Farming?  Actually leaving their houses and living life?  Wow...all of that just sounds awful to me. And all of those techniques clearly just don't work...just look at the baby boomers.  No wonder academic achievement in this nation has increased so much since the creation of the Internet.

3) SOPA Limits Religious Expression-You know how every church that you walk into has a mural of Jesus saving our souls/eating bread and drankin wine with his homies, or Mary Madagalen getting busy, or Tom Brady stomping on Tim Tebow's face while wearing a fashionable pair of UGGZ?  Yeah well I am pretty sure that all of those images are copyright protected so...say bye bye to God being a part of your life.  Get used to this guy being the public face of TIm Tebow/Jesus from now on.  I think our world just got a little bit worse right here...don't you?

4) SOPA Makes People Retarded-This is pretty much the same thing as #2...only worse.  I mean imagine a world where even Jeopardy contestants are so retarded that they say "Donkey Punch" on national television? (this video=SOPA violation #2).  Imagine a world where someone who laughs in a bathtub and cracks up about it becomes a rap star because they sang a song about Chiptole that embarrassed an entire society (see youtube video below).  Imagine a world where Simple Jack is teaching Modern American Literature at Middlebury College.  This is a world without Wikipedia.  And this is the world SOPA will cause us all to live in.

5) SOPA Takes Away Porn-And now we are getting to the crux of the issue.  What is the most American right of all?  Our right to see boobies, nipples, vaginas, and even cocks and balls.  Our right to click a bookmark on an Internet browser and see full penetration in a matter of seconds.  Our right to stand on a mountain top and tell the world that we don't need partners of the opposite sex...because we have a computer and bottle of KY and a hand or two, which is all we really need in order to be happy. 

Do we really want to go back to a time when men and women had to lay in bed and look out the window and pray that a naked person would be within their line of vision?  Or when men would have no way to get rid of their morning boners, and would walk around the office pitching a tent and knocking over coffee mugs with it all day?  Or when young boys would be stuck watching 30 second porno trailers 17 times in a row until they could finally finish their business, and turn off their dial up Internet so their parents could once again receive/make phone calls?

Of course not.  After all porn has been a part of American from the beginning, when George Washington was watching "The Anal Minutemen" or Abraham Lincoln popped "The Emanicipation Proclimation...of Sex" (the first piece of known bi-sexual erotica by the way) into his VCR.  Porn has helped us tear down tyranny, racial oppression, and sexual incompetence, three of the greatest evils our world has ever known.  It has given us this man. And now we are going to turn our back on it?  And for what?  So some kid wearing jeans that are 3 sizes too small has to pay $0.99 to download a Ramones song?  Come on people.

This is America.  And free, streaming, hardcore sex is what we stand for.  And I, for one, am not going to give that up without a fight.  So contact your senator or congressman and tell them that we want porn...even if none of the other shit that I wrote makes any God damn sense.

Text Update and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since January 13 is +287 (241-inbox, 195-sent, 0 from females), which means that my text conversations this past week have had as much female involvement as a house party in San Francisco (hey-yo!! not that there's anything wrong with that).  But, my twitter popularity score is at an all-time high with 216 followers so looks like I got some cyber friends after all...who probably attend house parties in San Francisco (hey-yo!! not that there's anything wrong with that).

I also have a couple of big ups to extend in this edition of the blog.  First to Tony Bologna Crivello for showing my the youtube video below, and enlightening me to the plight that the mentally challenged face every day, I thank you.  Actually that's about it. 

Welp...see ya later.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"

 
 
Dear Readers,
As surely all of you know 2012 is well...an ominous year on the Mayan calender.  Planes crash.  Yellowstone Park gets blown up (JACKPOT!!).  Sharks are able to breath out of water, and run across the land eating both humans and peanut butter snickers (and humans who have eaten peanut butter snickers).  To be honest...it sounds pretty rough.  Like a Godzilla remake...without Matthew Broderick there to save us.

And I know that I told all of you that this was a crazy pipe dream, something that was as about as likely to happen as John Cusack winning an Oscar.  And I also know that each and every one of you believe every word I have ever said, or written, because those words give your life a sense of direction and purpose.  But I also now know something else, something that could shape the way the rest of us live our lives.  For the first time in my entire life, I know that I was wrong.  The world is going to end.  And we are all F'ed in the A.

Now you maybe be asking "Hey Sack, what caused the sudden 180 that made you believe a bunch Mexican Indians that stick bones through their nose and speak gibberish?"  And that's certainly a fair question that deserves an honest and direct answer.  You see last Sunday I saw something that shook me to my very core and challenged everything I have ever believed.  I saw Jesus, I mean Tim Tebow, win a playoff game.  Then I poured holy water all over my face and felt it burn.

Because as Tebow was scorching the Steelers defense in spite of his full body dry heave of a delivery, I realized one thing.  Good things happen to those who believe.  Bad things happen to those who are forced to make a masturbation schedule so they don't have Internet porn flowing on their computer like a fine wine (and don't chafe their wieners off).  Tebow didn't show me that he's an NFL quarterback on Sunday.  He showed me that God loves him...at least a little bit more than he loves James Harrison.

So ladies and gents, in the end you're either with Jesus, uh I mean Tebow, or your against him.  But choose your side wisely.  Cause all Tim Tebow does is win.  And the rest of us? Well...how's chafing in hell sound to you? Looks like it's gonna be a hot one.

The Sack Reveals...The Tim Tebow Life Cycle
As all you know Jesus had the bible to depict and tell the story of his life.  Well now Tim Tebow has the Sack.  The first edition of our life cycle series took a look at how we could all grow and mature while maintaining our desire to get blacked out drunk 4+ times a week.  The second edition of our life cycle series investigated how we could all grow and mature while maintaining our desire to return to our college campuses and get blacked out drunk 4+ times a week.  The third edition of our life cycle series investigating how we could all grow and mature while living with our parents...and maintaining our desire to get blacked out drunk 4+ times a week.  And the fourth edition will serve as the Gospel of Tim Tebow...and will have nothing to do with getting blacked out drunk.  I don't think.  Let's take a look...shall we? 

Stage #1: The Immaculate Conception-Do you guys know how God banged Mary with his mind so she could become pregnant with Jesus and deny Joseph sex for the rest of his relatively unhappy life?  Well he did the same thing with Tim Tebow's mom...who thankfully decided not to have an abortion.  This means that Tim Tebow's father, and all of his male heirs, have never (and will never) have sex.  Or jerk off.  Maybe they'll get a handjob from someone else, I don't know.  The point is God's mind knocked up Tebow's mom, she decided against the whole abortion thing, and Tebow's dad has never had sex.  Or jerked off.  Maybe he got a handjob from someone else at some point.  I don't know.

Stage #2: The Holy Upbringing-To Tebow's dad's credit, he decided to raise Timothy as his own son.  Just like Joseph did with Jesus, so...big Ups on that.  However, Tebow's dad was not a carpenter.  He was a pastor (or a preacher or whatever protestant people call priest who can somehow be women/get married).  So at almost the exact same time (Tebow is exactly 15 days younger than me) that my parent's were sitting me in front of a TV playing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies on a constant loop and feeding me a diet comprised solely of Mountain Dew and Nacho Cheese Doritos, Tim Tebow was learning how to abstain from sex and eating nothing but unlevened bread and watching Christian Cartoons and basically learning how to be a good person who never makes mistakes.  This is where the foundation was set.  Tebow was also homeschooled so...he never had the chance to tell a group of nuns to go blow themselves during your elementary schools shitty rendition of the stations of the cross. Lucky SOB.

Stage #3: The Mission-It's well documented that Tebow was born and lived in the Philippines during the early portion of his life and single handily cured leprosy in the country so...that's pretty impressive.  But seriously Tebow was serving at Philipino missions at the exact same time that I was telling a group of nuns to go blow themselves during my elementary school's shitty rendition of the stations of the cross so...yeah.  Add the whole curing leprosy and introducing Manny Pacquiao to Jimmy Kimmel thing and...this dude was clearly on the holy fast track.

Stage #4: The Maturity-Tebow and his family eventually moved back to the States and settled in Florida.  There Tebow continued his home schooling while lighting up the scoreboard as the star QB at Nease High School.  So at the same time that I was A-keeping my parents from getting phone calls by using our dial up internet to download copious amounts of porn, B-Drinking NyQuil by the bottle and sleeping 16 hours a day, C-Blaming God and everyone else around me for my face looking like a Papa John's double pepporoni pizza or D-All of the above, Tebow was A-winning state titles, B-refusing to go to public school so he could memorize the book of Ruth, and C-using his incredible sexual restraint to only hold hands and nuzzle faces with the skanky public school chicks who were throwing themselves at him.  Why do I keep comparing myself with this dude? Oh yeah, cause we were born 15 days apart and our throwing mechanics are of roughly the same quality.  Duh.

Stage #5: Jumping to God-When Tebow first arrived at the University of Florida he spent his freshman year as a backup QB who ran the football and jumped towards God while throwing TD passes that helped his team earn a national title.  Do people remember that he was actually a back up?  Of course not.  I mean do people remember that Jesus always lost to Peter in their weekly Uno games, and got so upset about it that he eventually trashed the money tables at the Temple?  Yeah...that's the true story.  Look it up.

Stage #6: The Heisman-Is the Heisman Trophy a false idol?  Well Tebow won it so...my guess would be no.  Besides I'm pretty sure it has a little, bronze crucifix around it's neck.

Stage #7: College Virgin-During his collegiate career Tim Tebow became a Heisman winner, a 2 time national champion, and arguably the greatest player in the history of modern college football.  He also dated this chick.  And he never had sex.  In the mean time during my collegiate career I became arguably the worst player in the history of modern college football, dated this girl, and (as you can tell by that pic) we banged all the time so...I still can't tell who had it better during our 4 years of higher education.  Call it a tie I guess. 

Stage #:8 FRS Supplement Spokesmen-As Tebow proved, man cannot live on bread and water alone.  But, he can live on bread, water and FRS supplements...available at any local GNC or Vitamin Shoppe outlet.

Stage #9: The Trials of the NFL-As we all know Tim Tebow faced (and still does face) his fair share of doubters as he took his game to the next level (including myself).  And, to be fair, these doubters seemed like prophets when Tebow's completition percentage was about 13.3333% during his first 2 years in the League.  Even when Tebow was leading his team to heroic 4th quarter comebacks it was seen as a hoax, as more of a product of Marion Barber having the football IQ of Charlie Brown than anything Tebow did himself.  Was this fair?  It was in my book.  But since no one would read my book (or this blog), and millions of people have read Tim Tebow's book (not including his other book...the bible) so it looks like I am the dummy.  Shocker.

Stage #10: Playoff Savior/The End of the World-Look we all know what happened last Sunday.  Tebow was lights out.  I know it.  You know it.  Jesus almost certainly knows it.  And give Tebow credit for overcoming the obstacles, for sticking to his beliefs even when people like me were making terrible jokes about him, for believing in his own ability even when he was chucking the ball into the Mile High like he had some sort of undiagnosed down syndrome (not meant to be an insult to Tebow...or people with down syndrome.  So wait...who am I making fun of here).  Just know this.  Tim Tebow legitimately won an NFL playoff game.  And that's all the proof I need.  The time of reckoning is here.  The world has to be coming to an end. 

And if it's not, I want it to be.  Because I can't go living in a world where Tim Tebow can win a playoff game...and Matt Ryan can't.  Actually come to think of it, I really can't live in a world where Mark Sanchez can win 4 playoff games and actually make me want to drink a Pepsi Max so...I guess Tebow really has nothing to do with it after all.  Looks like it was a false alarm.  My bad.

Stage #11: Post Apocalyptic Comedy Star-Who's going to be funny when the world ends? Tim Tebow...and Liam Neeson (check out the youtube video below for proof).  Nuff said.

Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score since January 6th is +468 (403-inbox, 348-sent, 10 from females), which is pretty good for someone who was having sex with a plastic doll throughout college.  Also my twitter score is holding steady with 212 followers so...not much to tell there I guess.

I have a couple of big ups to extend in this post.  First to Tim Tebow, thank you for being such a polarizing figure that I eventually became forced to write terrible jokes about you.  Second to Liam Neeson...good luck with those AIDS man.  Finally to my dude Ace...thanks for showing me that video about Liam Neeson getting those AIDS.  It was refreshing.

Back next week with more writing that hopefully will not be quite so religiously offensive to 60% of the nation...but no promises.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
 
 
Dear Readers,
As surely all of you know the year 2012 is upon us, and we are all very, very afraid.  Because for years Old-school Mexican predictions and Oscar-worthy John Cusack films and some sort of talking, drawing hands that predict financial crises/the end of American society have conditioned us to be.  We have been taught all our lives that sometimes in the next 366 days (Leap Year son!!) we are all going to die.  The greatest art and culture our society has ever known (aka Bad Boys II) will be lost.  Both literally and figuratively...the world will end.

However, as my good friend Patrick Hane-Dogg once said to my 8th grade English class, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself."  And what this means to me is that we shouldn't ever be afraid.  Unless we are afraid of being afraid.  Then that's OK.

So in the end we all have a decision to make.  We can Nut Up or Shut Up.  Put Up or Nut Up.  Get a boner and drunkenly bang a slut or stay flaccid and discussion The Hunger Games theatrical trailer

The choice is ours, so choose wisely.  Just know that you have nothing to be afraid of.  The world isn't going to end in 2012...no matter how convincing an actor John Cusack really is.

New Year's Resolutiones
So now that I've calmed you all down by being able to see into the future and promise that the world will not end/not of us will ever die, let us all take a moment to stop and reflect on how we want to live our lives in 2012.  How can we become better people?  How can we treat others in our society with more respect?  And, perhaps most importantly, how can we do it all while selfishly profiting the most that we can from our improved morals and ethics?  These are the questions we need to consider when coming up with our New Year's Resolutions.  Now...let's take a look at mine.

#1 Be Nicer/Stop Bullying-Look it's no secret that in the past year the Sack has been, well...kind of a dick.  I mean I've taken my share of shots at a number of parties, including (but not limited to) Tyler Perry, Tim Tebow, Barrack Obama, the cast of The Big Bang Theory, racist people, Jay Leno, Nicolas Cage and women who drive.  I now realize how cruel and viscious I've been to all of these people (and many others) and would like to take this opportunity to apologize to each and every one of them. 

However, I don't want anyone of you out there to get the wrong idea.  This apology is simply a promise to lay off those who are too weak to stand up for themselves.  That means that the rest of you are no on notice.  So game on Rick Perry, Craig James and OJ Simpson cause I'm making jokes about you...even if no one else has the guts to do it too.

#2 Get a Puppy-As opposed to Michael Vick, I love dogs.  However, my affection for canines has absolutely nothing to do with my resolute desire to own a pup.  In fact like any good resolution this one comes with a 100% pure selfish personal gain.  You see I may not know much of anything (or anything of anything) about the ladies, but I have learned one undeniable truth about the opposite sex...Chicks dig puppies. And scares...unless those scars are from the acne it turns out.

Anyways I was walking around St. Louis the other day with 2 chicks (jackpot) when we happened to come across some sort of bulldog puppy walking around.  Now when I saw this creature all I could think about was the dog in Van Wilder with his gigantic testicles floating around in Van's hot tub.  However, when the girls saw him they didn't think about gigantic balls floating in a bubbly pool of 103 degree water.  No they were seeing past the ball sack and chilli farts and dog semen filled pastries to the cute, cuddly nature of the beast itself.  And they suddenly found themselves having strong lesbian feelings for the dog's female owner as well.  Now can you imagine if you put a 315 pound, neck-bearded ogre behind that dog's leash and let him take the pooch out for a spin? I mean it wouldn't even be fair. It'd be like fishing with dynamite.

#3 Driving More-Look there is no question that driving less = less cars being made = GM going bankrupt = No one in America having a job.  Plus my car just sits out in front of my house taking up a parking spot that some handicapped person or old lady could be using, so I am actually trying not to be selfish here. You think I want to stop walking everyone and burning all those calories and experiencing the beautiful winterwonderland that is Chicago? Of course not. That's like Jackie Chan wanting his career to be at a point where he's promoting Tropicana instead of doing V8 commercials. I mean...how sad would that be right?

#4 Never Shaving-That's right my neck-heavy beard/blonde mustache is that powerful right now. Sampson had his hair.  Ron Jeremy had his penis.  I have my beard.  Plus...I like rubbing my hands through my thick mane that I am sort of retarded lion.  But the beard does not mean I am harry everywhere.  My entire body is shaved. Now Arnold Palmer alert, Arnold Palmer alert...who wants some Arnie Palmies?!?!?!

#5 Fixing My Internet-Yeah so...I'm having some trouble with my Internet right now so I'm forced to drive to Starbucks.  And I don't have to tell you have awkward it is to be watching hardcore porn, with the sound obviously, and cranking it in front of a bunch of Soccer Moms and sexually ambiguous hipsters drinking lattes at 2 in the afternoon do I? In fact It's quite exhilarating. 

#6 Not Masturbating so much in Public-Did I mention the whole awkwardly masturbating while using the free Wi-Fi at Starbucks thing? Although not masturbating in public may actually turn out being quite selfish.  I mean masturbating at a Starbucks can do some good.  Here's some more cream for your mocachino ma'am.

#7 Eating More Chicken McNuggets Than Ever Before-Watch the youtube video below...and these little nuggets of joy will seem more appetizing to you than ever. I guarantee it.

Text Updates and Big Ups
My current text messaging score is since December 17th +1,443 (1,045-inbox, 859-sent, 212 from females), which is awesome if you don't consider that this tally has been built up over the past 3 weeks. Also my Twitter popularity score is sitting at 211 followers so...whatever.

Also as the blog returns, the big ups do not really. But I will give a quick shot to my guys Danny boy for his continued and constant support and Kovach for helping me find that Chicken McNugget video.  Way to go fellas.

Back next week with more about less about more or less than before.

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